Wednesday January 28 , 2015


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Not an expert, just some friendly advise
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Dear John: ( edited from a much longer e mail )  I ewondered what you take on this might be.  I had a heated discussion with some people the other day that said only Politicians should speak for the people. Only bankers should run the banks. Only Priests should explain what the Bible means etc.  Their asertions were that the 'common people' should not get involved in what they do not understand and they presumed only a Priest to know what the Bible means etc.  

Dear Robbie:  Well the bankers have really fucked the banking system up - haven'ty they - and the world is in a real mess - yet politicians seem impotent to know what to do to straighten it up and as for the Priests - well we all know about the Magdelane Sisters and the child murders - the paedophilia that is so rife and the mass slaughter throughout history by the very church that claims to speak for God.  So - personally - if left only to those who claim to know better,  and yet have grossly mismanaged things - I'd say we need the common folk to get involved as all to often they have more common sense than the thieving bankers,  the corrupt politicians and the evil priests and nuns masquerading as doing God's work.  I say you are right to argue this point and to those who claim oterwise, they need to open their eyes and stop hiding behind spin through the media and corrupt news that supports and props up various systems that clearly do not work.  For the mass of people now see through the bullshit lies and can now see these institutions - and those they are designed to help prosper at the expense of the mass of people,  for what they clearly are - corrupt thieves bullying their way around the planet stealing our souls, our money and our powe

Dear John. I'm near on 60 and run own business for decades and have much respect from my customers but none from friends and family who seem not to realise how hard I work or what it takes. This saddens me. I have several X lovers from decades past who disrespect my business every time they can. This hurts as they do not work and have retired long time ago and do nothing while I work at my business because it is greatly needed and respected by many, shamefully not by those I care about though. Why is it that friends and family are this way ?  

Robert. ( New Zealand ) 

Hi Robert. Oh I hear you alright.  I am right with you on that one.  Some of my best and oldest friends find little good to say about me and Hamilton Hall and it does hurt, so I understand where you are at.  Dismissing them is not easy and you care about what they think and it does hurt when they see the glass as half empty all the time and not your passion and desire for what you do.  The only thing is to just keep at it and ignore them,  turn the other cheek and tell them that if they have nothing nice to say - then to say nothing, as it is not constructive or helpful and is - actually - damned rude and obnoxious.  Resentment and jealousy also hang in there sometimes and all you can do is just carry on and ignore them.  Have you thought to tell them how you feel and how you feel disrespected and that  in your opinion their attitude sucks ?  

Give it a try and see what their reaction is.


Dear John. I am 78 and my lover was just 66 when he died recently. I woke to find him dead in bed beside me and I had been sleeping right next to him all night. He made no noise and just had a heart attack and died peacefully. He was even smiling.  I thought I would have someone there for me when I got old ( even though I am already 78 ) and would have a companion until the end and now I am worried I will die alone.
I miss him greatly.  Now I have to shop alone, cook alone and sleep alone and it hurts after over 30 years together.  Some of my friends seem not to want to see me for some reason since the funeral and I have heard little from some of them since.
Will I ever get over it.  Daniel T. ( Southampton )

Hi Daniel. I am very sorry to hear about your loss.  I am sure it must have been a horrifying moment when you awoke and found your friend. Not a pleasant experience to have at any age.  You have my sympathy and thoughts. 
You never get over loosing someone and I am sure you have experience of loosing family members and friends before this,  and you know you never get over the loss, you just get more use to it.  Taking on board the shoping etc., that was once shared can be hard at first and finding the time to do all those little jobs he did will hit home for a while, but will soon become part of your routine.  It is harder the older you are and as you say, you thought he would be with you until your death.  Seems it was the other way round and he died with a smile on his face, which is always reassuring.
Do not feel sorry for yourself, as that will not help.  Talk to people and voice your concerns and grief but remember, many do not know how to act around someone who has lost a partner and - sadly - you may feel abandoned by your friends as well,  but see this as their fear;- fear of not knowing what to say to you and fear of their own death.  Invite them round and chat about other things as you once would have done.  Never be afraid to ask others for help and don't allow yourself to fall into that trap of sitting at home on your own all the time being miserable, It serves no one.  
If you would like to have a free week here - on me - you would be very welcome.  I know that ultimately you have to go home and get on with your life,  but a few days away might clear your head and allow you to see things from a different perspective, and we can chat some more.



John:  I was recently really taken for a ride by a friend I knew had mental health issues but never realised he used this as a method to get what he wanted from me and I got suckered in.  Eventually I woke up and threw him out but not after I was taken for a royal ride and back,   and where he really does consider me to be the bad guy in this and he is the victim, which really annoys me after all I did for this little rat.  Free home. Free bioard.  Even gave him mney when he was broke. Paid for his holiday home last summer. Always buying him little things and he turns on my like a viper.  Why do these people do it ?  Jeremy.

Hi Jeremy.  They do, because there will always be a sucker like you and I who fall for their story and offer help.  There is always the givers ( you and I ) and the takers  ( them ) and it often seems they do not get the point and do turn it all around, and all you can do is continue being true to yourself and others will see - eventually - what the truth is.  
There will always be those who take take take and consider it your job to give give give as if they have some right - some royal decree - some God given gift that they deserve being looked after, and often these are the very people who offer fuck all in return - or at least a bare minimum - and then complain bitterly when you wake up and stop forking out and doing everything.

Sadly, all you can do is put it behind you - promise you won't get suckered in again - and move on.  Chances are, he will not hear your words when you speak and what you say will land on deaf ears and he will hear what he wants to hear.  That's his type.  The likes of you and I just have to toughen up and not put up with it.  Be stong and be wise in future.  Don't give as much and demand something back in return right at the start and let it be known that there are no free rides with you


John. Speaking to you from the Netherlands. I living soon in UK and have reading your web site some time now.  Suggest may I a Masturbation Weekend like we have here. They are full events and great fun is had.  Think your hotel would be good for this and you certainbly have the experience.  What do you say - ?

Thanks Bernd - see the X Rated Section as this has now been sorted for May.


Dear John:  I write from Sweden. I read website often. Good reading from you John. I like much. Question.  I move in with boyfriend and by a week he mad and bad and we split and me now gone stay with friend and not boyfriend.  Why change quick. Why some men nice and then not nice. Why some men vagina cunt to them they say loving words to. Not understand.  I good without him.

Dear Eric. Some men are cunts. Some men are assholes. Some men see everything to their own advantage and not yours. Some do not understand love at all and we must pity them.  You learned a painful but quick lesson. At least you did not waste years with him to be thrown out later on. One week must be a record though.  We will never understand these people.  Stop trying. Do not put your ideas of love and affection onto them as they simply do not get it, and the sooner we get that, the better. Leave him to his own - lonely and isolated - way of seeing things and he will find hiumself always alone and without friends. Sad for him, but only he is the cause of that.~


John:  It has been years since I had sex and while I am just 42 years of age, I am wondering lately if there is something wrong with me.  My friends all think it very odd and I have to agree,  I think it is as well. I use to be a very sexual person and tricked several times a week with different guys and thoroughly enjoyed myself.,  Nothing happened. No death in the family or anything else. I just woke up one day and thought it was all so shallow and unfulfilling and I decided to take a break from those guiys who just wanted me for my big dick.  What I thought would be a couple of weeks,  has now been almost 6 years - and other than a couple of mild 20 minute blow jobs,  I have had bugger all.  I work hard and have plenty to occupy my mind and I do wank off aone my own most evenings, so I am not celibate.  Shopuld I do as my friends all suggest and go out there are get myself laid.  Thanks.  Jack

Dear Jack:  You should do exactly what feels right for you and do noit listen to anyone telling you what you 'should' be doing.  If you are happy with your sexuality, then never - ever - allow anyone to make you feel wrong about it. 
Unfulfilling sex is simply not worth having.  It can leave you wishing you had not bothered.  As you say,  you have abig dick, and many will want sex with you not for you, but for your dick and do not care who or what it is attached to, and this can be fun,  but it can also leave you feeling used and ignored as a person.  Taking time off to discover who and what yoiu want from life as well as from sex is a good idea and after a while,  if you are to consider being sexualk again,  you are not about to give it away to the first man who comes along and who may leave you feeling empty - as before.  I would suggest you out it out to the universe that you are available for sex - WITH THE RIGHT GUY - and wait and see what happens.   In the meantime, enjoy your wanking and don't pay heed to others who tell you what you should be doing.   Follow what feels right for you within your heart.



Dear John:  I have a lover who suffers from depression and it is really getting to me. Anything seems to set it off and often I am unaware that he is in 'this place' until I get all annoyed at him because of his selfish attitude and when he then cries on my shoulder, I feel like a right shit.  But how am I to know - as I am not his carer and not his Mother and I have my own needs and while I never suffer from depression,  it is hard to be around someone where you have no idea whether he is up - or down.  What do I do, especially as he forgets to take his anti depressants.  ?

Hi Malcolm. Not an easy one.  Being unsure all the time is like walking on egg shells in order not to upset or say the wrong thing and this can be draining.  You do need to set some boundaries between you so you can recognise the symptoms - and he needs to be able to think about your feelings and confide in you if and when he feels unwell.  Taking his medication on a regular basis would help and maybe you need to be his nurse and just get the tablets ready each day for him, in a little container beside his breakfast, so he remembers to take them on time and with food.  If you value his love and the relationship, then sorry Hun, but you may well be his carer and while you have your own problems,  unless they cause you major concern, it seems his depression is more important and you may need to be a little more considerate of him, as he needs to be a little more considerate of your feelings as well.  Trouble is, he may not be aware - or even think - of your feelings until you bark at him about something and that will just add to his depression.  Tread softly.  Be patient. Think before you speak and ask him how he is feeling  before complaining, as you know how bad you feel if and when you speak up and he ends up crying and then you feel like such a schmuck.


Dear John:
I have been with my lover for about a year now and I love him dearly and the hard thing for me is that I know he is still in love with his X who died of HIV a year before we met.   I know I can never live up to the dream and feel all the time that he is comparing me in all ways.  He never says anything,  He goes off into this dream like state at times and I just know he is emotionally thinking of his past lover.  He tells me about him all the time and I try and be as good, as sexy, as strong and so forth as this fantom from his past but I feel I am loosing him.  Help.

Robin. ( London )

Dear Robin.  You really need to sit down with your partner and explain how he talks all the time about his past lover and that this needs to stop.  He needs to be brought into awareness of how this hurts and is damaging your relationship and causing you pain.  Explain your love for him and how this is a new relstionship that is haunted by someone you never knew - and that you feel there are 3 of you in this relationshiup and that one has to go.  Be respectful - as he will always love his X and you cannot expect that to end - or that he will stop thinking about him ( especially on anniversaries etc ) but he needs to learn to move forward and stop dragging the past into the present as it will destroy your relationship and both your future happiness.

Do not compare yourself with this past love and do not try and be as good as him  - BE YOURSELF - YOU MUST be yourself and do not loose sight of who you are and what you want and do not fall into the trap of concentrating on making him happy in the belief that one day he might realise how much he loves you after all  - as you may get lost living a lie - living someone elses dream and being someone you are not. 

If he suggests a holiday somewhere you know he went with his X - suggest somewhere new, so you can both make some new memories and your holiday will not be filled with what happened years ago.  Same goes with bars, restaurants and your social life.  Create new memories that have no connection with the X.  Be discrete, be gentle and be thoughtful, and unless you want to loose him,  this is going to be hard.  He will get over the X in time and realise what he has in you,  so if as you say you love him dearly,  give it time,  find ways to help him move away from those memories or people / places that remind him / and fnd your own memories together.

Has he ever been for bereavement counseling ?


Hi John:  To make it brief. I was married for 12 years and never once saw my wife naked and never once did she touch me - ever. Once a month in the dark and under the quilt, she would pull up her nitie and I was 'permitted' to climb on and fuck her and she would then rush to the bathroom to wash and clean herself and other than that - absolutely no physical contact at all.  We had 2 children and the fuss she made about carying and giving birth - ...  We eventually divorced when I could take no more and I came out as a gay man, became a sex worker ( I am tall, dark, hairy and hung - and have been in the sex business now for 5 years and have made a fortune and made up for lost time ) and I now realise I am quite a sexually attractive man - greatly sought after for my physical apprearance and huge dick,  and I now pity my X wife. 
Have you heard of this kind of thing before ?
Robert.  ( London )

Robert - Yes I have, many times, women who use sex as a weapon to keep their husbands controlable and as one put it - ' like putty in my hands and who will do whatever I want when I promise sex'  and I had to tell her that this was not the reasons to have sex with her husband.  Many of my clients said that sex went out the window when the kids were born, which is understandable as she is coping all day with small children and hardly in the mood for nookie,  and we men - well we have a penis that sticks out in front of us and gets hard and - well, we want to play with it.  Sex ius a natural thing and some women do seem to have issues with it.

I am pleased to hear you eventually ' saw the light' as any relationship that is so dysfunctional sexually is doomed to unhappiness and as long as you are being careful with your sexuality and your life as an oput gay man and an escort,  more power to you.  Your wife, sadly, will probably never understand what she had laying in the bed next to her all those years and how many of us would willingly worship someone like you...


John:  My lover and I have been together for ten years and every April we have my parents over from Canada for the whole month This year,  his Mother is having major surgery and he wants her to spend some time with us here in recovery and it will be for the entire periuod that my parents usually visit.  His Father died 2 years ago and his Mother is now alone.  I think it inconsiderate of him to expect her to stay with us here when she can afford a nursing home.  It would mean my parents having to stay in a B&B locally and this would not be as convenient.  I really do think he is being inconsiderate.  Johnny B.

Dear Johnny B.  Actually I think it is you who is being inconsiderate and thoughtless and you need a severe reality check.  You say his mother is having major surgery and now that she is alone, she is probably going through all sorts of fear based emotions concerning her own death, after loosing her husband,  and a lot of older people want and need family close at hand when they are unwell.  I do not think it is too much to ask that she spends some time with you in recovery and you help look after her. Your parenhts have enjoyed a free holiday - presumably - for some years and I am sure they will more than understand and appreciate the reasons.   If she is unwell, then a nursing home is best,  but if it is just rest and relaxation and some friendly family around in order for her to get well, then you need to suck it up and behave.  When your parents are unwell, I am sure it will be a very different kettle of fish but in the meantime,  welcome her to your home with open arms and if you take good care of her, maybe she will get well fast and go home and you can have your cake and eat it.


John:  When my lover and I broke recently after a somewhat noisy and violent period, one of my best friends walked away and I have never heard from him since.  For almost 20 years I have been there for this friend  through thick and thin and yet when I was in need of some support and help, for the first time I will popint out, he left me to struggle on my own and his disloyalty and cowardice hurt me more than the break up of my relationship.  What should I do ?  Rob ( Hants )

Rob:  One of my good and dear friends did the very same thing to me a few years ago and it stunned me that some friends can be that shallow and that selfish that it is so easy to walk away without even having the guts and the need to talk it over with you beforehand and try - in some way - to save the friendship.  It sends a loud and clear message about how they are obviously less mature and capable of coping with emotional breakdowns - or at least - not their own - and how they are immature in many ways.  I sympathise dearly as it does hurt and all you can do is respect their choice and move on without them.  They have chosen to walk away and write you off as a friend and it is probably better they do it now than in the future when you have in vested even more in your relationship.  Some gay men are so vacious it beggars belief.   Move on with your life and try, if you can, to put him in your past.



John:  My boyfriend and I are getting married in a few months time and after we sent out the invitations,  is when the funny comments started coming back to us and it seems some people think us nuts.  We have been together for 2 years and are truly committed to each other and see no reason not to have a civil partnership to protect each other should anything happen to one of us, and these funny comments are hurtful.  I thought people would be pleased for us but it seems that while most are, there are a few who are not. I am 47 and my partner is 37 - we are both professionals, own our own homes and have good incomes.   Graham ( Swindon )

Graham:  Absolutely good for you - well done on finding the man you want to be with and do not take any notice of those who have nothing but negativity to throw in your direction.  Obviosuly you have given it a lot of thought and consideration,  weighed up the pros and cons - seen both sides of things and have come to the decision you have from an adult point of view. Have a great and special day and make it yours.  If others are jealous, then that is a compliment to you and sad for them that they have not got the love and friendship that you have. Share your hapiness with others and if they cannot accept that,  cut them loose. 



John. I visited another establishment that claimed to be gay, in Cardiff, and it was not gay at all. It looked like an Ikea showroom inside with little imagination, comfortabnle and stylish but all from Ikea, and at breakfast there was not another gay person staying it was all straight couples who never said a word to us yet spoke to each other freely.  My bf and I really felt out of place.  The owners were gay and we shared a chat with them when we arrived, but for a venue claiming on a gay web site to be gay owned and run,  we were disgusted at the lack of truth. At least Hamiltoin Hall is exclusively men only.,  Grant ( Manchester )

Grant:  I think I know where you are talkiing about in Cardiff as I have also stayed there and it was the same for us.  We also were the only gay guests amongst a load of straights and I know and appreciate exactly what you say.
Many venues cannot find any way around the discrimination act and cannot - or will not - use their logic to find a reason - and also - are not brave anough to limit their market, needing every customer they get - and it takes guts to refuse business in order to keep it strictly gay.  You really need to ask when you make a booking and check with the owners in advance if they are strictly a gay / men only venue or if women and children are allowed, as it is more common on gay web sites advertising gay venues than you realise.



 John.  I visited recently your establishment and got talking to a very fucked up guy who was just a mess in so many ways, agressive, hostile, talking so negatively about your venue and when I told him I thought he had completely missed the value and point of your delightful place, he almost hit me.  He went so over the top I just left him to it.  Why do you think so many on the gay scene are so messed up.  Rob ( London )

Rob:  I think I know who you are talking about although not a single word of complaint was offered to me, and some people just like to moan for moaning sake. Give them Paradise and they would find something wrong.
Some envy and resent us here and so - very often - I tend to ignore those bitchy queens who like to throw mud in the hope that it will hurt and cause distress and buying into their bullshit, their fucked up attitude, just confirms that they were right all along and that their paranioia is accurate, so the best way is just to say nothing and ignore them. Not so easy though and even I - at times - have been dragged into a discussion with those who are hell bent on getting you involved in an argument. 
The gay community is not very supportive of itself and there is much annamosity and negative attitude by many who resent and envy others and there are a lot of gay / bi men out there who carry their baggage right where everyone can see it and throw it in peoples faces all the time and seem to think it is clever to do so.  Sadly for many, it just sends a loud message to avoid them.
Many come from damaged childhoods and never try and grow out of it - Many come from abusive lifestyles and seem hell bent on throwing that at others and some, are quite simply, not very nice people and need avoiding.



John:  My boyfriend and I have not had sex for ages and I am worried he has someone else. He says he doesn't and that its just stress at work and the credit crunch. Is he being honest with me  Tony.

Tony - stress and the credit crunch is exactly the sort of thing that takes the sting out of a sexual feeling - makes you feel depressed and like a damp squid,  so chances are your boyfriend is telling you the truth.  If his job is on the line or if he is threatened with 'down sizing' like many,  and if he sees how many each month are being made redundant and find themselves on the dole, then he will be worried about his future and sexual feelings often take a back seat.  Don't worry about him as he will pick up if and when his worries are eased at work. Be understanding and sympathetic and not not add to his pressure.  It will only push him away at a time when he is probably more concerned with his future.  You  do need to talk to him though,  quietly and with support and tell himhhow you feel as your relationship is a two way street.


John:  I read that you were a hooker for years and years and wondered if it was a good thing to get into. I see all sorts of amazing adverts for escort agencies, articles and interviews in the gay press and one mag even has a full page 'escort of the month.'  Is this good.  Barry. London.

Barry:  The media now like to glorify sex workers with respectability and interviews - and so it should be - they are fulfilling  a need in society and helping keep it from boiling over. Sex workers are much needed. HOWEVER:  Do not get caught up in the trap that sex work is lovely, glorious and honourable work - as it is fucking hard work, literally, and many MANY who enter the profession end up totally fucked up by it - broke - emotionally screwed up,  physically and sexually a mess and often HIV Positive.   The sex industry attracts damaged people who have damaged pasts and it just makes things worse. Earning lots of money is not always a benefit to some who then waste the lot and end up broke again.  It is not an easy business and I have to say that many - and I mean MANY - of the escorts who advertise in the gay media may look cute and sexy - but most haven't a clue about what it is to give any kind of decent service or - come to that - decent sex.  I have visited quite a few - as a client - and been gob smacked at the crap sex that is offered and I aint no dog.  Just imagine what is offered to a fat old man with BO ?  I have experienced really bad BAD sex from male prostitutes and an attitude problem the size of the Albert Hall.

If in doubt, stay away. Keep your normal job and fantasise,  or at least - come and speak to me here first for some guidance and advise or reap the consequences - as there are always consequences - and out of all the people I knew who were full time sex workers - most have nothing today and only  afew survived intact.





this is the best self help I can think of

Smiling is infectious,  you catch it like the flu
 When someone smiled at me today,  I started smiling to.
 I passed around the corner,  and someone saw me grin,
 When he smiled I realized,  I'd passed it on to him.
 I thought about the smile,  then I realized its worth,
 A single smile like mine,  could travel around the earth.
 So if you feel a smile begin,
  don't leave it undetected,
 Let's start an epidemic,  and get the world infected.




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