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They Walk Among Us - BE VERY WARY
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
"What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?"
The recession in the USA
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did.
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead “The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn ," replies the man nervously."What do you do, just across the Severn ?", "I'm a taxidermist.""What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals.""It's alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
Spent $40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.
An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden? she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too!
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not fucking listening!
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you." She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
"Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was!"
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
THE AFGHAN FOOTBALLER
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you tell me that you were having a great time.'
An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...He asked the trainer that was near by "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"The trainer looked him up and down and said
A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust.
Before sex, you help each other get naked!!
Last Kiss...either way you look at it !!!!!
A tough looking group of policemen were patrolling when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets out of his police car and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the policeman says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
A wife asks her engineer husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied "They had eggs."
Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tonnes of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.
Local residents were stunned and a community spokesman said:
"We're all shocked, we never knew we had a library."
Now you know why some people are where they are!
It just hit me!
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. Once a year for his check-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.......
My dog is a POLITICIAN
ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE
BY JOHN CLEESE
THESE REALLY WORK!!
An Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and sadly rather true
Irish bailout explained?
It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."
Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead beatle for the last thirty years.
I got sacked last night from serving in the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders, all I said was, 'Hurry up for f*cks sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'
Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird that doesn't gobble anymore.
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!
Not every flower can say love, but a rose can.
Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can.
Not every vegetable can read, but bless, look at you having a little go!
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham.
In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry OK?' I said, 'Go on then, just one song then bugger off''
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'The sign says, insert £2 and push knob in'.
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