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JOKES


These pages are just for light hearted
moments to share a smile.

Send in your items, pictures, jokes etc.

Let's see what else we can share to bring
some joy to our days

 
 

 

Click on the link below and watch this commercial and see if you can guess before it ends - what the advert is for.  I think you'll chuckle.

http://www.noob.us/humor/you-will-never-guess-what-this-ad-is-about/
WATCH THIS NOW
 

They Walk Among Us - BE VERY WARY




   IDIOT SIGHTING No.1

   My daughter and I went to the McDonald's drive through check-out window to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note. 

   Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.

   She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

   I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'

   She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request. 

   I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'

   The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.


   Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's !!



   IDIOT SIGHTING No2

   We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us

   that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

   I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

   He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' 

   I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'

   We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .



   IDIOT SIGHTING No3

   I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the

   Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign

   from our road.

   The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't

   think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.'


   Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.



   IDIOT SIGHTING No 4

   My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' 

   He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.


   From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.



   IDIOT SIGHTING No 5

   I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 

   'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' 

   To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' 

   He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'



   Happened at Luton Airport



   IDIOT SIGHTING No 6

   The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road.

   I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.

   She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

   I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. 

   Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

   She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex. (And she's NOT blonde)





   IDIOT SIGHTING No7

   When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, 

   we were told the keys had been locked in it. 

   We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door. 

   As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 

   'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'

   His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.' 

   This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.





   STAY ALERT! They walk among us. AND THEY BREED!

A man goes into Waterstones bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,
"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title.
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."The man said, "that's the one, I'll take a copy."
 

The 100 metres final at the 2012 Olympics will be just like any other Friday night in London.  There will be a gunshot followed by 8  black geezers legging it.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaners - fuck me, talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.""fuck that" says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead “The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn ," replies the man nervously."What do you do, just across the Severn ?", "I'm a taxidermist.""What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals.""It's alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

Spent $40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden? she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too!

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not fucking listening!

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you." She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

"Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was!"

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for  him.  She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

THE AFGHAN FOOTBALLER


The  Liverpool manager flies to  Kabul  to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes. 

The lad is a sensation. He scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day …

Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you tell me that you were having a great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'
'Sorry?!!!   Sorry?!!!'   says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...He asked the trainer that was near by "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"The trainer looked him up and down and said
"I would try the ATM in the lobby".......

A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust.
 
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
 
Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
 
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
 
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
 
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
 
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
 
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says
Sid.
 
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.
 
Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
 
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid.
 
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
that?"
 
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for
that matter. This is a flock of sheep.... 
 
Now give me back my dog.

Before sex, you help each other get naked!!
After sex, you only dress yourself.
The Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're fucked

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub....

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.  As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

 

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times:

"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self- taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all.

Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!  Dont stop believing!

 THESE REALLY WORK!! 

 AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO  HOLD THE VEGETABLES  WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING   A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

Irish bailout explained?

It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The lady of the night then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HA HA ... and then the bankers, politicians and tax man get involved and screw up the whole economy that is otherwise running quite smoothly, and mess it all up for everyone.

 During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" 
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." 
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"