We ask a dear friend - or X lover - relative or even work mate - to attend an important date with us in the future and they accept and we are thrilled. Then later on they say they cannot make it and regardless of how in advance they have informed us of their change of heart it does disappoint - you may even feel let down and even taken for granted or in my case recently - disheartened that my X lover from the USA who has a great wealth to play with, has never been here - and after accepting my invitation some time ago to attend my 15th anniversary ( March 30th 2015 ) weekend here at Hamilton Hall with other friends and people who have been here for me through these years - he now e mails to say that because he is use to living in the desert and the warm weather, and how his skin has become thin due to acclimatizing to the heat and how he feels he cannot go anywhere that is colder than 50' - he will now not even think of coming to the UK unless in the summer months, and once again - as he has done so many many times before, he has let me down, disappointed me, and I had really thought he might this time keep to his word and be true to what was agreed and that he would actually put himself out for me for a change and do this - come to the anniversary, and be a part of something where he was not Number One - not centre stage - not all about him and was all about something other than himself and where he could show me how proud he was of what I have achieved - for although I have absolutely no idea why, I do care what he thinks...
But why ???
He obviously doesn't give a damn what I do - not one bit, otherwise he would come. He would show some interest, some joy at what I do and share more of himself with me, and when I put my head on the block - once again - and sit with my head ready for the axe to fall, why am I always so surprised when it comes slamming down and instead of chopping off my head, it breaks my heart a little bit more each and every time he does this to me.
But why ?
We were only together for around 3½ years and we have been apart for almost 30. Why do I still care what he thinks and how he reacts:- and why do we allow these people to put us through such grief over and over again and why do we feel hurt - all over again - at the way in which they treat us when we know all along what the outcome will be - so why be so surprised when the shit hits the fan and once again, your heart swells in your chest, you feel your mood plunge and your eyes fill and - you feel so let down and alone ?
I get more from strangers. More from clients I knew when I was a sex worker. More from customers here at Hamilton Hall and more from complete strangers who e mail from the other side of the world who have seen and read this web site and just want to share some pleasant thoughts and words with me, and yet why do I allow someone who was close decades ago - to get to me ?
The answer is because I deeply care;- while it is clearly obvious he simply doesn't, and it has always saddened me to realise he doesn't really care about anyone or anything but himself and to hell with what I feel or think - the Limey - and I doubt it even enters his mind - I doubt he will even consider what I might think of his change of mind, and I doubt he will give a damn - although I do know he will be annoyed and angry if and when he knows how much he has upset me this time - again - and will take no responsibility expect to not write for months and months in the hope that I will forget all about it when the truth is I want to cry at his - once again - thoughtless self self self attitude when it comes to me and I really do not understand why I care when all he really is - is an asshole.
So fuck him. I shall organise and plan a superb weekend and shall have the people around me who were / are suppose to be around me at this special time - this anniversary - and to hell with him. I shall look forward and never - ever - assume anything of him ever again, no hopes, no desires, no plans, no invitations and no trust at all that what he says will actually be seen through to the very end - at least - not when it comes to me:- and maybe I need to take responsibility for wanting - hoping - desiring more from him than he is actually able - willing to give of himself.
Maybe I was always expecting too much from him - more than he was able to give.
I shall always - however - be there for him if he ever has a need, as I am always there for those who I care about;- but as far as anything else is involved, I simply do not believe in him any more;- and maybe this is my fault, for being too trusting over the decades when this is not the first time he has let me down;- not the first time I have been upset at his actions and not the first time I have cried over his rejection of me and my life - my Hamilton Hall and what I do here.
He cannot come because his skin is thin and he feels the cold. I have heard all sorts of lame excuses over the years but this one just about beats the rest hands down and really - is quite pathetic.
You know: I have a client I first met back in 1987 who has remained a loyal and trusted client - who became a friend ,- and has always been there for me in so many ways over the decades and so loyal, and we have shared a great deal together - sexually, spiritually, emotionally, in business and in personal life, and this man is worth ten times - a million times - more than my X - because if and when I am in need of help / advise / care,- he is there - and while there is a different foundation to our relationship ( he was a client where as the other was my lover ) he is so much more to me - and has been for decades, that some rich bitch from the USA has ever been, and if nothing else, this disappointment that cut me deeply today with his change of heart has made me aware of who truly is my friend, my family, my lover, my Angel. It sure as hell aint my X lover by a very VERY long way - and while this does sadden me dearly as I really do care a great deal about him, he 'aint worth it. He simply is not worthy of my affection, my emotional investment or my thoughts - PERIOD.
But that said, I do feel very sad today after reading his e mail. It does drain me emotionally that yet again, exhaustingly so - he hasn't changed at all and is still the same man I split from all those decades ago - he hasn't learned a thing.
I do, however, know I am worthy of so much better than he offers me. I do know I am like Marmite ( love me or hate me ) and I do know I am a good and decent person who makes mistakes, speaks at the wrong time and gets in my own way all to often but that I have a heart of gold and mean well and that despite my heartache over my X and his - yet again - refusal - I am worth so much more than he has to offer - for all his wealth, and I am not going to allow this to drag me down and for him to win.
This emotional and thought provoking personal article, written by John Bellamy, shares some of the dangers - the highs and lows, of the sex industry.
If you are involved with the sex industry and you feel you are drowning, or finding it hard to cope, then come and have a chat with John and see if he can offer some useful and supportive advise. Many get it all wrong and assume they need to offer almost everything, when you do not.
You must set yourself guidelines and rules and be strict with them, regardless of how much someone offers. Respect and self worth are vital and NEVER - EVER - let anyone EVER put you down for what you do. It is vitally important work, more so than most comprehend.
The USA wants civil unrest. Through police brutality, airport security abuse, local governmnent, corporate abuse major financial abuse through the banks & politicians, the government is driving the innocent people to stand up for change and to take to the streets and to cause civil unrest because of the unwarranted abuse dished out to them from the authorities and this is exactly what the authorities want. They want to then spin this into terrorism and to put the constitution aside and with martial law, take control of the country and marshall all the trouble makers, - the grannies and children, the ordinary innocent men and women, who are just sick of the abuse of government, into Re Education Centres ( 800 FEMA Camps are already open and ready for business ) and this will allow the governments and Corporate / Banking America to plunder and steal - using us to police ourselves as in the Concentration Camps of WW2. The government will then sanction mass killing and mass domination of the mind, body and soul of the population with re education.
It has already started.
The FEMA Camps are there and open
Plans have already had 2 rehearsals by th US Government
OUR LEGAL AND MORAL RIGHTS ARE BEING ERODED BY GOVERNMENTS WHO SEE US AS GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT AND AS THE 99% WHO WORK AND PAY FOR THE 1% TO LIVE IT LUXURY WHILE MILLIONS ARE UNEMPLOYED, HOMELESS AND HUNGRY.
The government doesn't give a fuck.
It's about control. power and wealth.
Edward Snowden won the Swedish Human Rights Award for his daring and heroic revelations.
"Have you ever though there might be more to life?
Have you ever thought of the trouble and strife?
Have you ever thought you don't need a wife?
in this system that tells YOU what is right.
Have you ever thought that black could be white
Have you ever wanted dark to be light
Have you ever wished that wrong was right
to stop the arguing and end the fight.
Well yes.....guess what..? You're not alone
cos a mate'o'mine just heard on the phone
that an awakening is happening on this planet...your home.
Its such a good reason to have a moan
So put pen to paper and air your views
make a banner and get on the news,
have regular meetings...invite your crews
for this is the awakening...you know what to do
For this has been predicted through space and time
that the people will end up...not towing the line
and without the state...we'll be just fine
from the 1% and their hidden crimes.
The banks are corrupt
The leaders out of touch
The BBC is weird
and the planets burning up.
So we vote a change...cos we think it matters
we get a different group of mad hatters
or ask for new laws to cover the doors
of the apparent cause, to all the flaws
The government will not like us
on the streets with loud hailers and banners
we shout "make some new laws for these cheating scammers"
but we don't realise we are voting for laws that will hit us as well...like a row of angry hammers.
'Cos we all want change...but asking's not right
We must spread our wings if we really want flight
and not get caught up in their two party fight
Make up your own mind...don't believe the hype
You cant stop wars by bombing for peace
That's like trying to fuck for virginity at least
and when we ask for laws on hateful speech
we take away the freedom of each
So stop being offended of what people say
Its only because YOU hear it that way
Sticks and stones and come what may
Support freedom of speech everyday
So how do we make a new world for the better
I'll tell ya....I'll go through it letter for letter
Turn off your tellys and put on your wellies
'cos growing your own food is where its at.
Remove the fluoride from your diet
Its only there to keep you quiet
Get to know your neighbours and others around
and you'll soon find ...they're all quite sound.
Recognise the difference between statute and law
and the word UNDERSTAND.......it means much more.
For the acts are not real...they come from the sea
they were not meant for you and me.
It's all maritime law....it's corporate rules
and I'm sorry to say ...we have all been fooled.
There are very few laws for women and men
no harm....no loss...no damage...that's them
It's just a game...the game of life
you count yourself in when you use the dice,
and the dice is your name........
I'm watching you frown
For your names property of the Crown
Withholding information from people should be a crime. We believe is sharing knowledge and wisdoms freely, and if anything on this web site has been used without permission, then our apologies. Please inform us and if you wish, it will be removed. We do not make money from this web site and is part of a NOT FOR PROFIT VENUE of Hamilton Hall.
The poem above was written by Christopher Charles and you are welcome to re print and re use it and please always give a credit to the author and to this web site. If we find you are making a profit from it or stealing its content for other financial gain and taking the worthy praise that Christopher Charles - in my opinion, deserves for this brilliant piece, then we will seek legal action.