Friday September 04 , 2015

John's Blog

'What I say - is responsible, and I am responsible, for saying it.' All views shared here are just my own.


Posted by: John

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An amazing BlogSite worth keeping an eye on is this one below:-





Newsletter 03.09.15 

 Refugees welcome here

Refugees Welcome Here
National Demonstration
12 September | 2pm  Assemble Marble Arch | London  -  March to Downing Street
Organise events where you live
Facebook Event »

Only one heart didn't melt at the pictures of the three-year-old Syrian Kurdish boy's dead body washed up on a Turkish beach: David Cameron's. He responded by refusing to take anymore refugees.

But he is still promising to try and make parliament agree to more bombing of Syria. This will only force more refugees to flee Syria. And then David Cameron will let them drown too.

The refugee crisis across Europe is growing worse by the day as thousands flee war and chaos. Many have died in the most terrible circumstances, suffocating in lorries or drowning during dangerous crossings of the Mediterranean.

They are being treated terribly by many of the government's of Europe, including our own. The majority of these refugees are the victims of war, many of them fleeing the disasterous conflict in Syria.

David Cameron's statement yesterday aims to justify further war and bombing rather than helping the refugees. He is refusing to take any refugees in Britain, one of the world's richest countries.

Stop the War has come together with many other organisations to call for a national demonstration in London. We are also urging our members, supporters and groups to take any action they can on that day where they live, alongside anti-racist and refugee groups.

Successive British governments have spent billions on wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya, plus on covert intervention in Syria. The outcome has been destruction of infrastructure across the Middle East, the growth of terrorism in the region, and the displacement of millions.

Their only solution is further war, even though it is increasingly obvious that this option is only creating yet more chaos. Just as we oppose wars, we try to show solidarity with its victims.

Please do everything you can to support this day of solidarity with refugees. If you want any help or further information, please contact the Stop the War national office. Email: | Tel: 020 7561 4830

• Lindsey German: Instead of brutality, hate and hypocrisy, refugees from war deserve our support
• Independent: If this powerful image will not change UK attitudes to refugees, what will?

For London Supporters: Protest when Netanyahu visits London
Israeli prime minister Netanyahu is visiting London next week for talks with David Cameron. A protest has been called by Palestine Solidarity Campaign, supported by Stop the War, on Wednesday 9 September, 11am, Downing Street:

War criminals not wecome here
Protest against Benjamin Netanyahu UK visit
Wednesday 9 September | 11am-1pm
Downing Street, London. More details»

Sign the petition: Arrest Benjamin Netanyahu for war crimes
Nearly 96,000 have signed the parliamentary petition for Netanjahu to be arrested when he is in the UK. If 100,000 sign, it qualifies the petition for a debate in parliament on the issue. If you have not signed yet, please do now and encourage as many people as you can to join you. Sign here »






Not available in December







Available  last Sunday of the month from October - March 2015 / 16
Advance reservation essential with credit / debit card and payment made at time of booking.


♦  Last Sunday of the month throughout the winter months from October - March  ♦
( exclusing special festive event periods. )

♦  For the more mature man who would like an evening where he can relax  ♦
with others of a similar age in the informal setting of Hamilton Hall

♦  Share good food, good company and good conversation  ♦
with our other guests staying overnight

♦  £20 for a 3 course dinner with free wine and ground coffee  ♦

♦  Book and Pay in advance by credit / debit card  ♦

♦  These evenings are being offered as an alternative to the gay scene for those who  ♦
rarely visit the bars  yet wish for some interaction with their fellow gay - bi  men

♦  Trans and Cross Dressing evenings can be arranged with pleasure  ♦

♦  This is not a clothing optional evening  ♦

♦  Maximum number - 12  ♦

♦  Advance booking & payment essential  ♦

♦  Designed for the more mature man - although all men are welcome  ♦





Hamilton Hall

supports the dairy farmers and would easily pay

double the price so that the farmers can get a

decent pricefor their milk and not be

forced out of business

by the cut throat supermarkets and imported

cheaper milk from outside of the UK.




The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.

If God had wanted us to believe in Him, He would have existed.

Morality is doing what is right, regardless of what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, regardless of what is right.

Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.

When one person suffers from a delusion, it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion.

A friend once told me how much he used to enjoy long walks on the beach with his boyfriend. Until the day the LSD wore off and he found himself dragging a mannequin through the sand.......

**Your car is German. Your vodka is Russian. Your pizza is Italian. Your democracy is Greek. Your coffee is Columbian. Your movies are American. Your shirt is Indian. Your electronics are Chinese. Your numbers are Arabic, your letters are Latin. And you complain that your neighbor is an immigrant?....go figure**




Was glorious, even though the weather was changeable.  Even if indoors,  we still had a giggle and this was a busyy period with lots of guys coming to ' hang out'; and share a laugh and a giggle together and all naturally naked.  There were evenings when it was a biut chilly and even the odd time I pout the heating on just for an hour to take the chill off, and considering this was July and August,  I suppose this was a typical English summer,,, a bit of everything.




' If a man lays with another man, he should be stoned.'

So there you have it. The Bible is encouraging men to smoke marijuana.

Now, I wonder what the Born Agains and Jahova Witness's have to say about this.



A LETTER FROM GOD - by Scoobius Pip


please - read and listen to the words, they are beautiful and puts the responsibility firmy in our own hands.


This video is amazing - watch it and realise THIS IS REAL -
no computer graphics but tons of real people actually really doing what you see... 


If you want a tear in your eye, watch this very sweet short youtube link




Thought you might like to see these e mails to and from Hammy Hall.  

It did make me laugh.


To Hamilton Hall :-    ' If I come to see any of your clients in the hotel do I have to pay anything?'

My Answer: :- 'I have no idea what you are talking about … . in plain English please.'

His answer :- 'In plain English: Can I come to your Hotel and have sex with your clients (I expect your clients to pay me) You can not expect me to pay for anything as I am short of money.'

My answer :-  'In plain English - FUCK OFF'



This is so sweet, a dog who discovers he doesn't have to swim




Tony Bray died just before Christmas  2014, and I shall miss him.  He was a good and dear friend who visited and loved Hamilton Hall and would sit in the Conservatory meeting and greeting people as they came and went and everyone loved his peaceful and charming manner.  He was 79 years of age and a real sweetheart.    He will be missed, dearly missed.








Take a look HERE






Every penny raised goes to help the many people we help with food, company, a week or  weekend away, counseling, and even sometimes helping with clothes. In one case we bought a homeless student a bike to get to college on,  and in another , a guitar and lessons to play for a local lad whose life was aimless and he was stoned on drugs all day and all night and we are today, guiding him into making  a life for himself - get his act together - and have some order in his empty life.  We do what we do for absolutely no reason other than 

This web site makes some useful suggestions to HOW TO COPE WITH HOMOPHOBIC FAMILIES











Posted by: John

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Russel Brand on gay marriage:- ' Everyone should be allowed the misery of marriage.'



My twin brother celebrated his 35th wedding anniversary recently - not that I remembered until I saw it on his facebook page weeks later - oops - and I wrote this brief piece which did make me laugh to write... See what you think:-

'Actually dead chuffed for you both - it is amazing but then, like buying a new house, it is such a hassle when you can just ' make do' with the old one..... and like an old house - as it ages, it starts to leak occasionally, not look as good as when new, and the bushes need a trim and the 'back yard' kept clean in case of visitors. The roof may start to go and it all looks a little tired and in need of a 'make over' - but it still serves a purpose which decline as your needs decline. But guess what, regardless, you love it - it is safe, it is home, it is where you feel you belong and regardless of newer and brighter and smarter homes that are available, and believe me, regardless of age there is always a new home somewhere that is ideal for you, yet there comes a time when you really look at the old barn and think, 'Why didn't I move decades ago.' as now you simply cannot be bothered. So you tart the old one up, find new ways of doing thing with it, and enjoy the future together as you have the decades that have passed, and there is a real beauty and love knowing that while things may change in the world, it will always be there for you - and you for it - as you were meant to be together.'



Ted Heath

With so much crime on the streets,  - with fighting of wars on several fronts and against ISIS, the fear of terrorism on our very streets and the banking scandal and how hundreds of bankers can screw the rest of us out of billions,  AND NOW WE STAND TO LOOSE £many billion through the incompetant sell off of RBS;-    Here we have 5 different police forces investigating historic accusations against a dead man who has been dead for almost ten years - Ted Heath and the charges are about paedophilia dating back almost 40 years.

The man is dead. What is the point ? If someone is still suffering 40 years later then it really is time to sort themselves out and to move on and stop using something that happened 40 years ago as an excuse for their own lives being shit and maybe - just maybe - it is shit because they never applied themselves and constantly used someone or something else as an excuse for their own failings.  Maybe :  - Or maybe something that happened 40 years ago was so traumatic it did linger and eat away and destroy - and that is what therapy is for.  It is unhealthy to carry bad vibes with us for long spells - especially 40 years, and there is something very odd about these people who come forward after so many decades - and while I feel for them,  I do question their motives.  What is the point ?  Getting even ?  Destroying someone's memory ? Nothing can be proven so it really is one persons word and that is not legally binding - actually - where no defence is offered.

The absurdity of this speaks volumes and the money and manpower used in this useless pursuit - where the outcome is that nothing will happen AS HE IS DEAD - is just a blatant waste of money which could be spent on pensioners, the NHS, Education etc. as we all know that millions will be spent and nothing will be solved. 

Police forces are complaining at cuts made to their budgets and how manpower is being cut and services slashed and even - as in Bournemouth and Poole,  big new police stations are remaining only50% open as they cannot afford to staff and manage the rest of the high tech building so it stays shut - lack of funds - while spending millions chasing up and down a motorway to and from Cliff Richards house - and the financial waste and bad publicity towards someone that has never - as yet - been charged and found guilty yet has suffered at the hands of the money grabbing media out for a story and the police - out for some good PR as they messed it up BIG TIME 40 years ago with Jimmy Saville and scores of others that AT THE TIME the police had reports about - AND DID NOTHING BECAUSE THEY WERE EITHER RICH, POWERFUL AND/OR FAMOUS.  

The police allowed it to happen by their lack of action and only now are they being seen to cross every T and dot every I - as the public is now aware and the police have got to be seen to be taking action, even if only on the easy cases and the 'unable to disprove' cases,  and innocent people are being destroyed along with the guilty.

How can historic charges be brought against a man who cannot speak for himself, and let's not forget that even with Jimmy Saville,  no one has ever given evidence in a court of law and faced the accused face to face with the allegations because, once again, he escaped this torture by dying first.  Saville most certainly was an abuser and there is no arguing against the truth of this as every person at the BBC knew not to leave a child alone on the set with him - everyone knew - and everyone now distancing themselves from any prior knowledge is doing so because no one - NO ONE said or did anything while knowing for decades exactly what was going on,- and only now through guilt,-    is the shit hitting the fan.  Police, diplomats, politicians and even doctors at hospitals where he volunteered, ALL KNEW and did and said NOTHING, FOR DECADES - and THAT is why this mad rampage of abuse by the state towards people whom only some are guilty,  and many others are having their lives destroyed by a dysfunctional media out for blood and a society who cannot see through the smoke screen that the bigger picture - the bigger problems - the much more serious problems we face - globally - are screened from us and we are kept in ignorance while jumping up and down about a dead man and what he may, or may not, have done back when I was a teenager in the 1970's.

5 police forces are wasting a great deal of money chasing a dead man.  Absurd. Absolutely absurd.

This is not to deminish the power and pain  that genuine child abuse offers to those who - at the hands of parents, uncles, brothers, sisters,  mothers, baby sitters, next door neighbours  and - usually family members as well as strangers,  were  - or are - abused - sexually, emotionally and physically -  and we forget that the emotional abuse often goes unseen and is in every home in the land - 
as Marianne Williams says - ' We have all been in abusive relationships, and sometimes we were the one being abused.'

We have a local man who was prosecuted decades ago for having sex with 2 boys in a tent. Now, for some reason, he is being prosecuted for ' historic abuse' for the same ' crime ', and because it was unproven at the time if he was involved, he just served time on remand - but has been persecuted through the local media ever since. Now it seems he is being dragged through the courts again - and one has to ask if this would be the case for any other crime - like the bankers stealing and defrauding the country and where not one single banker has been prosecuted.  Why are they chasing someone decades after - unless the police were incompetant at the time and therefore it is the police who should be investigated.  How about Hillsborough where mass death followed police innaction and the lies and hateful bullshit the police spewed up about innocent men, women and children killed,  resulted decades later in an apology from the Prime Minister and yet NOT ONE  POLICEMAN HAS EVER BEEN HELD ACCOUNTABLE while hundreds died and horrid, evil stories told about the dead BY THE POLICE to cover their tracks, and the pain and anguish caused these poor families has lasted decades - AND NOTHING IS DONE. NOT ONE SINGLE PROSECUTION OF THE POLICE RESPONSIBLE, and they all get their full pension while hundreds of peoples lives have been destroyed BECAUSE OF THE POLICE.

Smoke screens come in many styles, and this is just one of them.


I do not support any kind of abuse. 
We seem not to notice or comment on the amount of abuse thrown at us by the utility companies, petrol companies and so forth who screw us with inflated prices long after their product on the world stage has gone down in price and yet we are screwed out of millions so they can make even more profits.

British Business Gas a decade ago threatened to ' break your fucking knees'  because they claimed I owed them money,   when it turned out after an 8 month investigation, numerous court summonses and then this agressive threat to break my knees if I did not pay up - & this is  BRITISH BUSINESS GAS - that I did not, it was their mistake, and they couldn't even apologise.

Transport For London threatened me for 8 mkonths concerning a parking ticket I fount as wrong and it tuned out, EXACTLY AS I THOUGHT ALL ALONG, that TFL were lying through their teeth - bullying me in order to frighten me nto paying up,  when the truth was they were wrong AND KNEW IT but just wanted to scare me into paying and when I won the case and they were found to be in grave error, they actually REFUSED TO APOLOGISE OR OFFER COMPENSATION.

Abuse comes in many forms and when it comes down to it, we scream about a dead man when there is no evidence at all - just the media and some screwed up people - and yet when it hiuts us in the dace with the damned bankers, big corporate abuse and government abuse - we say and do nothing and rant about a dead man.  Smoke Screens people - clear your eyes and see what is REALLY the problem and see how the media and powers that be - use these to hide the truth and the reality that we live in an abusive society where it comes from the very top - GOVERNMENT - BIG BUSINESS - BANKS - THE EU - and we run around worrying about a dead man who unlike Jimmy Saville,  never had those rhumours about him during the decades past.  Only now - 10 years after he is dead,  and when the media needs a new smoke screen, are we being presented with this emotive storyline.

It is all very questionable.








the dumbing down of people

When injustice becomes law,   defiance becomes duty.




The following BOURNEBATERS poll is now closed. Here are the
final results:



- YES, 19 votes, 41.30%
- NO, 14 votes, 30.43%
- INDIFFERENCE TO SEX, 1 votes, 2.17%

For more information about this group, please visit




'We have all been in abusive relationships, and sometimes we were the one being abused.'

Marianne Williams











Posted by: John

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The Pleiadian Message - A Wake Up Call For the Family of Light



First there was the dinner party,  17 guys - mostly all naked - enjoying a roast chicken dinner with all the home made trimmings ( unlike the person  some years ago who said my food was all microwaved food slopped on a plate ) like home made lemon stuffing - propper crispy roast potatoes,  crisp fresh veg and yummy red wine gravy.  
After a yummy home made desert and ground coffee,  everyone chilled out for an hour while we got the room ready for the  cabaret and karaoke.


These are some of the comments made about our Bank Holiday Dinner and Cabaret Evening hosted here on Sunday August 30th.
I had advertised this event on the Naked Mates CLICK HERE web site as a clothing optional evening and it was so good to have a total of 25 people attending and sharing the laughter, singing and joining in.   Some were guests here while others were locals who came to join in the nights entertainment and it was great fun.

Robert - ' The Naked Singer' put on a  sensational show and included a tear jerking version of
ou're My World' in honour or Cilla Black and we all sang along.  Quite a few offered songs through karaoke and helped keep the party going with a swing.  I was going to sing something but heard Robert belting out a Bassey number and giggled and chose not to after all, as who the fuck can follow a Bassey number... sorry,  but I left it to Robert as he is soooo damned good. 

The two Stuarts ( Stewarts ? ) sang a couple of songs each as did a few others and it was such fun singing along and the atmosphere as great.   One couple sang a duet which sounded as if someone was throttling a pair of cats - but well done to them for trying,  even if I did get a call from the RSPCA... ha ha It is all about having fun and letting your hair down ( so to speak ) and enjoying the evening.

Robert did make us laugh when a couple of young guys at the back of the room were seen on their mobiles and he joked that they were probably on Grinder stating they were in hell listening to Bert Bacharach - and we did giggle over that one.

Our Community / Dining Room have been used for an assortment of uses since I have been here and we have hosted Yoga for Pregnant Women - Various Healing Workshops / Tantra / Massage / Yoga / ReBirthing / as well as some X Rated Adult weekends and then Christmas and New Year and all sorts of spiritual celebrations, and so much more, and to now see the room done out as a small cabaret rom with a stage and lighting and all sorts is a real treat, a thrill, and it does make my heart sing for joy to see so many people joining in and having a great evening.

The evening wound down around midnight and it was about 2am before we  got to bed - after clearing up and re setting the room ready for breakfast the next morning.   I just collapsed into bed as after a busy couple of weeks with the Air Show last weekend and now the long Bank Holiday busy period with a full house,  I was knackered,  and I am sure Robert must have been also as being on stage all evening is hard work, and while great fun for all,m  is still hard work, and bles shim for all he offers us here at Hammy Hall as it is MUCH appreciated by all concerned.

NOW:  Get your diary out and start planning the Christmas and New Year period as we shall, once again, be doing a Seasonal Christmas Show and with lots to nplan and outfits to get ready,  it will be a Christmas to remember.

Big Thanks to Robert.  You are a star.



It has just been reported on the BBC News that the UK Government earns about £10 billion from the sale of alcahol and that it costs the NHS, the police and other bodies responsible for picking up the pieces from alcahol abuse - £4 billion,  so there we have it... because it makes money, NOTHING WILL BE DONE, unlike the tax revenue on cigarettes and how much damage it does to society - when we all know that the dangers to society, the most deaths and chaos within family life, business and in all aspects of life... BOOZE IS THE BIGGEST CAUSE OF SOCIAL DEGREDATION and yet because the government makes money out of it, NOTHING WILL BE DONE.





While the e mail below is polite, it was really not appreciated.  Treating me and my venue as a place offering sex as and when it suite him,  is treating me as a pimp, and I DO NOT appreciate being treated as such. I may have been in the sex business 16 years ago,  but offering this level of disrespect and assuming I will offer such a service, and to someone who is not even a customer and never has been and whom I have never met, is outragously rude, and / or assuming he can just come into the venue and see who is here for some sex,  is taking advantage. If this is what you want, then bugger off to the sauna or some cheap tacky sex hotel in Blackpool,  but DO NOT assume we are all the same.  Just because I offer spiritual sexuality weekends, Jack Off Weekends and so forth DOES NOT MEAN you can come and get sex when you feel like it.  

I hope this E-mail finds you well, it's always good to receive your news letter. I'm looking for a couple of hours or so this coming Saturday to experience giving head and taking cock anally. I will be visiting family in Bournemouth and keen to have a few hours focussing on the above. Is this something you accommodate or do I have to be a resident at the hotel?
Thanks Rick




I found this old picture of Nikolai Alexandrovich Romanov - the last Tsar of Russia who was executed along with his whole family on July 17, 1918 aged just 50.  Of all the pictures I have seen of this man - as I read Russian History a lot in my teens -  I found this picture captivating in its look of today. The beard and style is very current and fashionable and - I found myself staring into his eyes wondering what was going through his mind - what he went through in his short life, the mistakes, the fears, the sumptious lifestyle compared to the vast majority of Russians at the time and the horrors surrounding his death. 

I have to admit that if I met him in a bar or here at the hotel I would think - -   ' CUTE ' and I do find his stare to be quite mesmerizing and to think, he was one of the most powerful men in the world at the time, although not a good Tsar,  like his Father before him who had been a great leader, Nikolia was a weak man, a family man, sensitive and caring,  and not well versed at war, and this became part of his downfall.  Like our Queen Mother - he had little sense of the realities of life for the common people and this caused great harm throughout the nation at the time of the Frst World War as well as a revolution within Russia for a change is how things were done,.  and it cost him and his entire family their lives.  But take a minute and stare into his eyes.  The bone structure, the beard, and he looks fit and in good shape.  There is something - for me - mesmerizing in his stare.


The next statement in true

The first statement is untrue



Gay priest takes

Church of England

to employment tribunal

Rev Pemberton refused a licence after marrying his male partner
Legal case opens today at Nottingham Employment Tribunal

London, UK - 15 June 2015
Canon Jeremy Pemberton today begins his historic employment discrimination case against the Church of England over its withdrawal of his right to officiate as a priest and its refusal to give him a licence to take up a chaplaincy post with Sherwood NHS.
The case takes place at Nottingham Employment Tribunal.
“There are two human rights principles at stake in this case. Is the Church of England exempt from the laws prohibiting workplace discrimination and is it entitled to discriminate against gay clergy who have been lawfully married in a civil ceremony?,” noted Peter Tatchell, human rights campaigner and Director of the Peter Tatchell Foundation.
Mr. Tatchell is supporting Rev Pemberton and last October confronted the Archbishop of York, accusing him of “victimising, intimidating and bullying” Pemberton.

“Rev Pemberton had his permission to officiate as a priest withdrawn after his lawful same-sex civil marriage to his partner, Laurence. He was also refused a licence to take up a chaplaincy post with Sherwood NHS.
“This strikes me as a clear case of employment discrimination. The Church of England has no right to seek exemption from the anti-discrimination laws that apply to everyone else.
“The disciplinary action was taken by the acting Bishop of Southwell and Nottingham, Richard Inwood, after seeking advice from the Archbishop of York, John Sentamu, who is thereby clearly implicated in the church’s discrimination against Rev Pemberton.
“It is disgraceful homophobia to deprive a priest of his right to work because he married the man he loves. Discrimination is not a Christian value.
“Jeremy Pemberton married his partner Laurence last year in a civil ceremony.
“Jeremy sought appointment to a job in the NHS. It is not reasonable for the Church of England to dictate to the NHS who it can employ.
“Just because the Church of England treats lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) clergy as second class Christians this is no excuse for it to impose its anti-gay discrimination on non-church institutions.
“In June 2014, Jeremy was offered the role of Chaplaincy Manager at Sherwood Forest Hospitals NHS Trust in Nottinghamshire. The job offer was withdrawn because the church refused to give Jeremy the required licence - solely because of his marriage to Laurence,” said Mr Tatchell.
Further information:
Peter Tatchell
Director, Peter Tatchell Foundation
0207 403 1790



Shameful behaviour by the church. Absolutely shameful. In its fear and paranoia of anything ' out of the ordinary' - or should it be ' out of their control'  the church sees fit to deny a sweet and loving man his career because of their own backward thinking and blatant lies about what biblical writings actually say.  If you have doubts about what the Bible does say on homosexuality - just ask - or search this web site - as what people assume it says are untrue and distorted and lied from pulots up and down the country and aroiund th world and a mass of population have the wrong facts - as the Bible DOES NOT DAMN GAY MEN AT ALL.
Cinsidering all the puffs, queens, hancy boys and queers who have worked and contiue to work in the church as page boys, chopir boys and right up to senior positions like Vicars, Priests and Bishops,  gay men are in all areas of the church while damning and destroying anyone who chooses to ' come out - and be proud.'

Shameful of the church. How UN CHRITIAN and how UNENLIGHTENED.






Posted by: John

Tagged in: Untagged 



If you loose part of this page - CLICK HERE


Restaurants & Cafes and then Hotels & B&B's top review chart

I notice it does not count Sex Workers & Escort Agencies



This is the e mail address of a thief. A cheat. A liar. This is someone who e mails hotels and makes an expensive booking and then tries to pay by Bankers Draft - which we do not accept - and wants to pay double what you ask and for you to send him the difference in cash and then weeks later it turns out that the whole thing was a con and you are left to repay the funds taken in the first place PLUS you have already sent him 50% as well, so you are now 150% out of pocket for some thief from an address he claims is in America, but all his details are fake.
This is a common one and most hoteliers are aware of this but you do initially have your time wasted with an enquiry - and in this instant, when he e mails in return accepting the room price and making the offer of paying double through bankers draft etc. I had already realised this was a con because this time he mentioned it was for him and his wife and as a men only venue, it was obviously just a mass e mail sent to thousands of venues without checking us out, and he only sent a personal reply once you had answered, and I dare say even that was a cut-and-paste reply,  the same thing sent to whomever answered.

Then when you write back and tell them to fuck off - they then write a bad review on Trip Advisor when all along, they are  the thief and the con man. They are the nasty man who is trying to destroy your business and all aimed at those who are simply trying to offer an honest venue and people like this cause trouble and negative vibes and has the potential to ruin a business.

I tell you, there are some horrible human beings out there and I do truly feel sorry for their victims, but also in a strange way, sorry for them as well,  as what kind of awful life have they had that makes them so nasty, so vile, so uncaring of others and so hard.  Did they even have parents to guide them or just the gang mentality.  Did they grow up - literally - on the streets - roughing it - and did they suffer terribly growing up and have no knowledge of love - at all.  Is that what makes them so hurtful and yet uncaring towards others ? 

Are they, like David Icke states, reptilian,   and have no knowledge of love and affection, being cold blooded and emotionless.  

Are they suffering from mental health like Aspergers Syndrome, where emotions can be seen as unchartered territory for many and love is an anathema - a weakness to be despised and where some have no knowledge of what it actually is ?

Are they Capricorn - as many Capricorns can be emotionless and the passion of love passes them by completely and some seem unable to comprehend what love actually is ?   

Whatever - be on the watch out for con artists, they come in many shapes and sizes and we get them here , through e mail and phone calls, trying it on all the time... Just as well I am not a fool and am street wise...





I am putting together a weekend for those who like to constantly moan about absolutely everything.

It will be a free weekend for those who always find fault but who actually offer and do


Now we all know someone who should attend and it could well be you.  You know the type ' No one is ever doing anything.' - and when they attend an event or a function they complain about the entry fee - the queue - the coat check - the queue at the bar or self serve cafe - the music is too loud - or ' I can't hear.' : - They complain about the lights being too bright / dim and even the car parking, which although free, really should have been planned better.  The catering was useless and the tea / coffee like gnats piss.  If a hotel,  the bed was uncomfortable and the decor not to their taste.   The breakfast service was slow and the toast too brown and as for the hard butter, ' Why you'd think they would get up earlier and take the butter out of the fridge so it wasn't too hard... well wouldn't you .'
  The cooked breakfast was bad with overcooked eggs and mushy beans  and the marmalade was cheap.   As for the cold plate - unforgivable.

These are the people with some good ideas to share of which not one single word out of their mouth is in the slightest bit constructive or supportive and is really no help what-so-ever and yet they will insist on sharing this with you.
They will tell you how they can offer something similar at a fraction of the cost, without actually having the faintest clue what the costs are or even what is involved, legally,  at putting on such an event,    and when you state the legal requirements -  all they do is wish it away with a wave of their hands and say it's all rubbish and unnessessary. 

These are the people who - basically - haven't a clue what is involved;-   How much hard work is involved,-   how many hours a day is put in to offer such an event or how much staff costs are, let alone 25% tax added to electricity and gas bills by the state.  

For these people are blind, deaf and dumb when it comes to the realities of running a small business as they - quite simply - have never done so.   These are the people who have always worked for someone else;-   where it is someone else who has constantly taken responsibility - and when it comes time to go home, they have their hat and coat on 15 minutes early and they have gone without a single thought of what is involved in closing up, locking up,  maybe sorting the financial takings of the day - arranging the banking and all the security etc. and even the staff rotas etc. 

These are the people who don't actually give a shit - for anything - but they want attention while having absolutely nothing - nada - zero to warrant having attention paid to them, for these are the people who often have nothing to say that is worth listening to - no valid opinion - nothing of interest - nothing amusing and certainly nothing with any logic set in reality;-   but they want to be heard and this stops and deminishes those WHO DO have something interesting and worth listening to and it exasperates. 

These are the people who spoil it for others and who cannot appreciate the beauty of the sunset without finding fault in the chill of the evening.   These are the people who complain about the children on the beach and miss the beautiful summer day.  These are the people who attend a wonderful loving wedding and bitch about everyones outfit and ' Doesn't she look fat in that dress.'

Now - to those who will now moan they cannot find any date or details about this FREE WEEKEND can moan all they like about how stupid, how incompetant, how irresponsible to put all this on here without actually putting a date and details about making a reservation for this spectacular weekend for moaners, and they will moan some more.  The point is,  IF I was to host such an event you would still moan, even if it was free and even if I had Harrods do the catering - Harvey Nicks the room decor and Buckingham Palace the staff.  You see, some people are so unhappy in their lives that all they do is moan and complain and moan some more and believe me, I occasionally hear it here and am not afraid to read the riot act at them and / or speak to their partner about their manner and how moaney it is and how we - actually - ALL can do without it.  Unhappiness manifests itself in many aspects of our daily lives and those who moan and complain all the time - are really very unhappy people and make those around them unhappy and then they have won... They have won because when you are also unhappy and start to moan - they will see it as how they are right.

So.   If you fancy a free weekend and you know that what you have read here  applies to you - then do by all means try and make a booking.  You will have plenty of ammunition by the time you get off the phone with me and especially if you e mail and the answer will give plenty to moan about.   Believe me, when I do get through with you - BOY - will you be moaning.

Now - How's that...???  Here I am offering a free opportunity to find something to moan about and ALL FOR FREE...    Surely, you can't find anything to complain about in that - Can you ?

If you found this article offensive, then you are welcome to complain,  as much as you like - if you think it will do you any good.  If in your life it DOES do you some good to moan all the time, then I feel desperately sorry for those who are 'giving in to you' and think they need to get a bigger pair of balls and tell you exactly where you can shove your moaning all the time as it REALLY does offer a 'half empty' and not 'half full'  look on life and that - my moaning friend, is such a bummer.

John Bellamy

Dear John:  Is your Moaning piece an early April Fools joke, cos I did so enjoy your tongue in cheek ending to it. Very good. Gordon G.
John:  I did laugh when I read your piece about the weekend for moaners. I can think of a few people I want to show that to. Pip R.
John. I must complain about your article on moaners.  I found it hillarious and so clever and it really did make me laugh as I have experienced what you wrote and so much more from customers over the years and you are right, - dead right - and thank you for bringing a smile to my mush.  Gerry M. London
John.  My partner insisted I sell our guest hours and choose another career where we could at least escape the moaners in the evenings.  After just five years it did his head in and we did sell up and move.  The moaners got to him while I appreciated it as a sign of very unhappy people and not those who think they are impressing,  at all.  Loved your article and it is so good to see someone with a mouth that is not afraid of using it to speak some truths.  You are a brave man and I bet it gives ammo to those who love to bitch about you.  
Richard ( Kissimmee Florida )


My Moan:  In June a couple cancelled a weekend stay here on the very day they were suppose to arrive - and this was on one of our SPECIAL OFFERS which comes with strict conditions attached,  and the customer thought he could carry his money paid over for another date - which he was informed was incorrect and that he had lost his money.  He then some time later tried making  a booking for another date and this time the full price was in effect and no special offer,  and he assumed - incorrectly - that the previous monies would / could be carried forward and that the SPECIAL OFFER from before would also count in July - which is did not and why he assumed either of these incorrect things is not my concern, especially as my web site, my e mails and even my e mail in connection to his original cancellation made this very clear. 
He then threw a tantrum and I have never heard from him again and I know that my venue and my name is now shit with him and he is bath mouthing me and my business to all;  when the problem is not mine, it was his mistake and his alone, and it is grossly unfair when negative reports are left on web sites by those who are too immature to accept the responsibility of their own mistakes and simply grow through the experience and learn from it .

I do expect a certain amount of professional attention given when doing any kind of business with a business,  as this IS a business and why some people are under the misunderstanding that they can mess me around and that as a business, we do not have a Terms and Conditions, is amazing.

I offer so much for free to those in need and this kind of bad attitude and abuse, because leaving a negative report on a web site because of something the venue is innocent about;-   is abuse;-   simply sucks and says a great deal about the author.  It also hurts me as I work hard at running HH amd when people do this,  it causes disharmony and
that is unnaceptable in anyones reality.

I am not going to prostitute myself again so others who expect

a subsidised journey can enjoy it on the cheap at my expense





Marijuana frequently gets a bad rap. How much of it is deserved? After my earlier blog, “Should Marijuana Be Legalized?” I conducted research to find out the benefits and problems linked with marijuana use. While there are many, here are ten of the health benefits attributed to marijuana and, of course, some of the problems linked to its use:

Alzheimer’s—Marijuana may be able to slow the progression of Alzheimer’s disease, according to research by the Scripps Research Institute and published in Molecular Pharmaceutics.

AnxietyHarvard Medical School found that marijuana may have anti-anxiety effects. Of course, keep in mind that high doses may increase anxiety and paranoia.

Arthritis—Marijuana can alleviate pain and inflammation linked to arthritis.

Cancer—Research in the journal Molecular Cancer Therapeutics found that cannabidiol found in marijuana, turns off a gene called “Id-1,” which cancer cells use to spread.

Epilepsy—Marijuana has been shown in studies by Virginia Commonwealth University, to stop seizures in the school’s animal studies.

GlaucomaResearchers are working on developing new drugs based on cannabis to treat glaucoma pain after learning its effectiveness for treating the condition. Glaucoma is a condition that increases pressure inside the eyeball and can lead to vision loss.

Improves Lung Health—Research in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that marijuana can increase lung capacity, not decrease it as many people have long believed.

Multiple Sclerosis—A study published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal found that cannabinoids found in marijuana significantly reduced multiple sclerosis pain.

Nausea—Marijuana contains a minimum of 60 chemicals known as cannabinoids, of which THC is the primary one associated with its mind-altering effects.  THC has been used in the treatment of nausea, including drug- or chemotherapy-induced nausea.

Parkinson’s Disease—Research published in MedPage Today found that marijuana use eased tremors and improved fine motor skills in patients with Parkinson’s disease.

Blood Sugar Problems.  Many suffer with ups and downs in energy levels caused by blood sugar problems and smoking or ingesting Marijuana helps dramatically in levelling this off and enabling a normal blood sugar level.  This allows the smoker to have a care free day without having to cinatsntly worry about eating food all the time in order to maintain a level blood sugar.  The effects are dramatic and almost instant.

Problems Linked with Marijuana Use:

Addiction—that’s a fairly obvious one. Also, it can cause uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms in people who discontinue use.

Comment from JB:  Marijuana is non addictive - the tobacco you mix it with is the danger,  not the dope.  If you have an addictive personality then do not blame the drugs or even the booze as it is the person and any substance can become addictive - chocolate - meat - and anything you put in your mouth to excess can become addictive.  How about sex and gambling... exercise - jogging - all can be addictive and eventually bad for you.

Anxiety and Paranoia—In high doses or in sensitive individuals, marijuana can cause anxiety and paranoia.

Comment from JB:  In tests - it was found that under 5% of people who smoke marijuana suffer from pananoia and this is usually because the person already had signs on mental health and the dope was the key. It is NOT common amongst regular smokers who have smoked for years.
  Do you ban something because a very small amount of people have a negative effect from something, because if that was the case almost everything would be banned - how about peanuts - 1 in 100 has an allergy and on a flight, if one person announces they are nut intollerant then the entire plane full of people are denied their peanuts... so why not ban peanuts...

Memory Impairment—As anyone who’s ever talked to someone who is high knows, memory impairment is common.

Comment by JB:  Sure , but this is short term and like getting drunk and not remembering much about the night before... what is the difference.

Mind-Altering Effects—This is particularly evident among people who haven’t used it before as well as many young people.

Comment from JB:  Just like booze or stress or prescription drugs - sometimes you can get an extra strong marijuana which can be a bit trippy,  just like some alcoholic substanbces which are quite legal.


Heart Attack—One study found an increase risk of heart attack within the first hour of smoking marijuana.

Comment by JB:  This is a first to me and sounds very suspicious that within the first hour this could lead to a heart attack - sounds like absolute rubbish to me as utter and complete nonesense.

If you think severe sentencing laws are doing more harm than good,

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ATTENTION: All you rule-breakers, you misfits & troublemakers, all you free-spirits & pioneers...
Everything the establishment has told you is wrong with you - is actually what's right with you...

A friend showed me this last night and I was awe struck by the power and the meaning in the words. 

Watch the video here - but most important -


It speaks to the heart of all those Light Workers
and those working for a higher cause -

Those who know there IS a Higher Cause
and those seekers of the TRUTH.

Go here:
Get it on iTunes:
Friend us at
Follow the creator on
Friend him on Facebook: HERE





I found this the most powerful piece I think I have ever heard and it moved me deeply.
I urge you to listen with your eyes shut - ignore the video for the first hearing, and just throw yourself into the message

Thanks to Chris who introduced me to this



Here are the words below :-
 By Garret John LoPorto on September 22, 2010



ATTENTION: All you rule-breakers, you misfits and troublemakers -

all you free spirits and pioneers - all you visionaries and non-conformists

Everything that the establishment has told you is wrong with you - is actually what's right with you.

You see things others don't. You are hardwired to change the world. Unlike 9 out of 10 people - your mind is irrepressible - and this threatens authority. You were born to be a revolutionary.

You can't stand rules because in your heart you know there's a better way.

You have strengths dangerous to the establishment - and it wants them eliminated, So your whole life you've been told your strengths were weaknesses - Now I'm telling you otherwise.

Your impulsivity is a gift - impulses are your key to the miraculous,

Your distractibility - is an artifact of your inspired creativity,

Your mood swings - reflect the natural pulse of life, they give you unstoppable energy when you're high and deep soulful insight when you're low,

Been diagnosed with a "disorder"? That's society's latest way to deny it's own illness by pointing the finger at you.


Your addictive personality is just a symptom of your vast underused capacity for heroic, creative expression and spiritual connection. your utter lack of repression, your wide eyed idealism, your unmitigated open mind - didn't anyone ever tell you?!

These are the traits shared by the greatest pioneers and visionaries and innovators, revolutionaries, procrastinators and drama queens, activists on the social scene, space cadets and mavericks, philosophers and derelicts, business suits flying fighter jets, football stars and sex addicts, celebrities with ADD, alcoholics who seek novelty, first responders - prophets and saints, mystics and change agents.

We are - all - the same - you know

'cuz we're all affected by the way -
We are - all - the same - you know
'cuz we're all attracted to the flame -
You know in your heart that there's a natural order to life,
something more sovereign than any man-made rules or laws could ever express

This natural order is called "the Way."


The Way is the eternal substrate of the cosmos. It guides the very current of time and space. The Way is known by some as the Will of God, Divine Providence, the Holy Spirit, the implicate order, the Tao, reverse-entropy, life-force, but for now we'll simply call it "the Way."

The Way is reflected in you as the source of your inspiration, the source of your passions, your wisdom, your enthusiasm, your intuition, your spiritual fire - love.

The Way takes the chaos out of the Universe and breathes life into it by reflecting divine order. The Way, when experienced by the mind, is genius, when perceived through the eyes is beauty, when felt with the senses is grace, when allowed into the heart ... is love.

Most people cannot sense the Way directly. ... But then there are the Wayseers. The keepers of the flame. Wayseers have an unexplainable knack for just knowing the Way.
They sense it in their very being. They can't tell you why or how they arrived at the right answer. They just know it in their core. They can't show their work. So don't ask. Their minds simply resonate with the Way. When the Way is present, so are they.

While others are blind to it, and society begs you to ignore it, "the Way" stirs you inside. Neurological repression blocks most people's awareness of the Way - censoring all thoughts and impulses from the unconscious is their prefrontal cortex - the gestapo of the brain -  nothing which violates its socialized programming even gets through; but your mind is different. your mind has been cracked wide open to the Way - by some miraculous genetic trait, some psychotropic chemical or maybe even by the will of your very soul, your brain's reward pathways have been hijacked - dopamine employed to overthrow the fascist dictatorship of your prefrontal cortex - now your brain is free of repression, your mind free of censorship, your awareness exposed to the turbulent seas of the unconscious - through this open doorway divine light shines into your consciousness showing you the Way. This is what makes you a Wayseer.

90% of human civilization is populated with those who's brains are blocked to the Way.  Their brains are hardwired to enforce the social programming indoctrinated since birth.
Unlike you they cannot break out of this programming, because they have not yet experienced the necessary revolution of mind. These programmed people take social institutions and rules very seriously. Society is full of games programmed to keep peoples' minds occupied so they will not revolt.

These games often cause sick fixations on peculiar protocols, power structures, taboos and domination - all subtle forms of human bondage - This distinct form of madness is not only tolerated by the masses but insisted upon. The programmed ones believe in rules so forcefully they become willing to destroy anyone who violates them.

Wayseers are the ones who call their bluff.  Since Wayseer minds are free to reject social programming, Wayseers readily see social institutions for what they are - imaginary games.  
Wayseers comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.
Helping those who are lost in these games and refuse to help themselves is a calling of many Wayseers.

Since Wayseers are the ones who keep contact with the original source of reality - they are able to disrupt societal conventions and even governments to realign humanity with the Way.

The Wayseers are an ancient lineage. A kind of priesthood - carriers of the flame - ones "in the know."  There must always be Wayseers to reform the dizzying psychotic spinning gears of society - giant mindless hamster wheels obscuring the pure blue sky, keeping humanity shackled in a darkened cage - so Wayseers are called - to shed light on the madness of society - to continually resurrect the timeless transcendent Spirit of Truth -

Wayseers reveal this divine truth by devoting themselves to the birth of some creative or disruptive act expressed through art or philosophy, innovations to shake up industry, revolutions for democracy, coups that topple hypocrisy, movements of solidarity, changes that leave a legacy, rebellions against policy, spirit infused technology, moments of clarity, things that challenge barbarity, watersheds of sincerity, momentous drives for charity

We are - all - the same - you know

'cuz we're all affected by the way -

We are - all - the same - you know

'cuz we're all attracted to the flame -

This is your calling, Wayseer

You've found your tribe.

Welcome home.





andy pryor

Died Sunday August 19th 2012 - aged, I think 43.

and you know what,  I don't think I have a picture of him - after a computer crash a few years ago where thousands of photos were lost, and now all I have is my memory - that picture in my head.

I first met Andy when he joined a group I was runnning called 'The Gay Spiritual Group' in London, and this would be around 1996-97. He was instantly a keen member  and quickly  joined the committee to help with the running of the group.  Once a month we hosted a Social  and would get anything up to 65 members in my London home and a really good spiritual evening would be had,  relaxed and informal,  with people just talking and laughing,   and at around 9pm I would introduce a speaker for 30 minutes or so, and one of these evenings,  Andy wanted to give a talk about an  experience he had recently had.
He was really nervous and with a little encouragement from me - he stood and introduced himself and gave a wonderful, lighthearted account of a recent trip to Egypt that had changed his life,  and it was a really lovely thing to be a part of and to hear this London cockney lad - offering such a  gentle story. 

For Andy was a little Tough Ted... an east end lad you might not - at one time - have trusted  with your wallet or car keys - as he had been a cheeky little rascall when he was a teenager and in private he would tell me some of the things he had got up to in the past which while illegal,   did make you smile broadly and laugh out loud... and while you felt for the victim who had had their car stolen - or whatever - it was never meant to be malicious or evil,  it was just lads messing about,  and we would laugh.  But all that was years behind him and he donated a great deal of his time to helping others, through voluntary charity work and in his private life as well,  and he was a very thoughtful and kind, considerate and loving man.

When I moved to Hamilton Hall he would come down and help us paint and decorate - or more often - he would actually bring a friend with him who he paid to do the work for him as his disabilities through various illnesses brought about through his HIV made it difficult for him to do some things physically,  and he was thrilled every time to be able to offer something and happy to be a part of Hamilton Hall, and I was very pleased to have him part of my life.

I remember one long hot summer, maybe around 2004 - he was down for a couple of weeks with his dog - a Doberman named Scooby ( naturally )  and we would sit in the garden until late at night with candles lit all over the place and just chill out and laugh and share stories from our past - as we actually had a lot in common - and these are happy memories.  His cheecky chappy grin and laugh won him many friends here and one elderly friend fell madly in love with him;- in a really nice and sweet way - and every time I mentioned Andy to him he would smile broadly and laugh...

I knew his health was up and down over the years and I would always be inviting him down for a free stay and more often than not, he would either come down or be too busy at home,  and all of a sudden he has having problems with his bowels and had already had an operation giving him a temporary colostomy and when he visited he was so up, so cheerful and so positive, he was such an inspiration even though I think he was going through a great deal. 

During a trip to Egypt where the pain became so great he increased his pain medication, he decided upon return to just tell the doctors to take his bowel right out and give him a full colostomy as he could not live with the pain and it was obviously not getting any better,  and this was done almost immediately.  He laughed about not needing to douch any more and was so positive all through it.  But it seems things went from bad to worst and although he was always up-beat when I phoned,  he eventually moved into a hospice - he said for pain management - but within a couple of weeks his phone was switched off and he had died.  A few days later his sister called and told me the news and as soon as she said she was Andy's sister, I knew - for I had had to go through my own sisters phone book years ago after her death - phoning people and telling them - and I just knew.  Instantly my tummy did a flip,  my heart missed a beat and a tear came to my eye.  Poor Andy, I wish he'd let me know how ill he was, I would have visited him in the hospice,  but I think he didn't want a fuss - didn't want people to see him in those last days and wanted us to remember him as he was,  and he left this world peacefully and as he had lived it , on his own terms.

He also chose not to have a funeral service of any kind,  and the family were to be told - after the fact - that he had been cremated by the funeral company after it was all over.  Some would have a hard time with this - as saying your final farewell in front of a coffin is traditional and what we all expect,  but not when it causes such grief for people.  Andy hated fuss,  and so chose to leave this life as quietly as he could and leave happy memories and not grief in his wake.  

No flowers.

No hymns. 
No getting to the place on time and having to wear something black - which he would have hated and no
eulogy describing his life in nine minutes.

I was upstairs late last night with a friend and Andy and I had always shared a cigarette or two together and evenings just talking and laughing,  so I did just that with Matt who works here and we shared a few smokes,  talked about loads of things including Andy - and just had one of those evenings where we were giggling like school girls...  and all the while aware of Andy and how he would have loved to be with us one last time,  and bless him. 

Getting older for me is fun,  I see so much of other older people in myself as I come closer to my 60's - people who are older than I am and now I am catching them up,  and the one sadness is remembering all the sweet people whose lives have come to an end so much younger and so much sooner,  and it makes me sad.  I know there are always new friends to meet,  new faces to  laugh with and new evenings to share a smoke and a giggle and I give thanks for the ever changing aspect of my daily life and the wonderous way it moves through the years,  and there are times I remember back and see a face in my minds eye - of Andy - or someone else I held dear but probably never got the chance to really tell them how important they were to me,  and I try harder with my 'today friends' to let them know how much I care and love them, and as fast and as busy as my days are,  I always remember and keep their memory alive within my mind, my body and my soul and in this,  they are still with me.  Still alive and still making me smile.   For I don't ever want to forget.

Bless you Andy.

This is a piece of music he enjoyed and is to be played in the chapel.  CLICK HERE




My Mother, Betty.

Posted by: John

Tagged in: personal



My Mother died 21st September 2011

by John Bellamy

Like a lot of you out there, I have a Mother  who moved from her warden assisted flat to a nursing care home as her mental and physical health meant she was no longer able to look after herself any longer, and there were many times when it made my heart weep. I was talked out of looking after her in my  home and while my heart desperately wanted to look after her,  my head told me I would not manage and it was not a good idea.

A while ago she had a bladder infection and she was in bed and  very distressed - staring out of unseeing eyes that did not seem to focus,  grabbing with her hands at anything and everything close - ie: the bars at the side of the hospital bed had been put up to keep her in bed as she kept sliding out and staggering up the ward - and it was quite a distressing site for many to witness - and she was chattering away - with words that did not follow any cohesive sense and while she knew my name and - kind of - that I was her son -  all sorts of other family members names came into it and I don't really think she knew me,   Her confused state was sad to witness. 

My Mother - a bright, intelligent fashion model who was one of London's top models in the 1940's  and 1950's and walked the catwalk,   also sang with many famous dance bands,  for she had a superb voice - and who raised 3 children,  was reduced to this. 

A tall proud women with a voice and an opinion of her own and no fear of speaking her mind,- a woman who was married 3 times during her life and who put up with a lot,-   A woman who had lived alone for over 20 years since her 3rd husband - my Step Father died and who lost her only daughter ( my sister ) and her baby ( my niece ) around 20 years ago when both died a few months apart ,-  A women who has always been accepting of my gay lifestyle and who loved my friends and boyfriends totally,   even if not being as accepting of my brothers wife - always being a dreadful mother-in-law and a women who all those 'mother-in-law jokes'  must have been written about,-  And a woman who was stubborn, difficult and sometimes a women who would make the angels cry because GOD she could NEVER admit fault and take responsibility and simply apologize,   and a woman who has caused much family turmoil because of her refusal - point blank refusal - to ever accept that she was ever wrong about anything - And a woman who admitted to me some years ago that she had never been in love - never really knew what love was and that - despite being married 3 times and raising a family,  had never really understood what that mysterious word 'love' - had meant - and while in her way she has loved and has been loved, she never really comprehended what it meant, and for that, I was always desperately sorry. 

Sorry that she never understood how we - her children - felt about her and sorry that she always felt the need to - somehow - try and manipulate the situation to suit herself all the time.  Sad that she  never realised we would do whatever she wanted because we loved her and not because she was being manipulative.  Sad that she always thought every situation was about her  and sad that she felt such jealously and resentment towards anyone who 'stole her limelight' - even her own grandchildren.  Sad that she resented her son being a sensational husband and father to his children and sad that she felt such resentment towards those who had something she felt she had lost out on, when the truth was - she hadn't - for she was loved - she was very cared for - and while she never understood this and while she felt alone and unloved,  other people were hurt and betrayed by her time and time again because she simply didn't get it.  She never really understood,-  and that saddens me. 

Poor Betty - my poor Mother,  and as much as we have told her over the years and as much as we have openly shown our affection and considered her in our lives - she still never got it - never realised and never allowed herself to be part of the family - preferring to isolate herself and say that she wasn't wanted all the time when the exact opposite was the truth, and we just got fed up with it. 

Towards the end, to see her bedridden and shouting for help all the time,  was not good.   I could have visited more often,  and she understood in her way.

Whatever it was she lost - and whatever it was she lacked - and for all her mistakes and all her selfish ways,  she was my Mother, I love her dearly, and no-one - NO -ONE - should be made to go through the kind of thing at the end of their lives,   and the cruelty metered out by a government and health authority  SO AGAINST EUTHANASIA beggars belief.  My Mother would not have wanted this,  and with a society where 80% of people asked agree that euthanasia is the best thing in some situations such as this,  I know she didn't suffer at the end, which came quite quickly,  and that  she can now be with my sister, her family and Jesus - in peace - which is what she spoke of.

I would tell her that it was okay - she didn't have to keep fighting and being scared - that she could go to Heaven and see Jesus and the family any time she wanted, and that she, and they, would all be young again, that she would be singing once more and surrounded by those who loved her,  and that her Father - who she never knew - would welcome her with open arms - along with Jesus.  She felt reassured with this and while her body outlived her mind -  I know she would not have wanted to live like this.  Some people need permission to 'let go' and find peace, and my Mother hung on in there and died 21st September 2011 aged 89.   She wasn't ill - she wasn't suffering anything more than being bed ridden and with dementia - her body was strong and she just seemed to 'give up' and slipped into unconsciousness and died within an hour, peacefully, and for that I thank God and the Universe.

So my Mother has now become a memory and one I shall treasure always. I shall tell stories, laugh and get angry, and always with love and affection, for while my Mother exasperated us dearly,  she was a character - and strong willed individual and she died how she lived, in her own time and in her own way.  I can hardly believe I will not see her next week or next month, when I visit and I comb her hair and paint her nails and we talk around in circles and --- but like so many people,  life goes on and we will have her cremated and sprinkle her ashes over Evening Hill - a delightful park with a stunning view over Poole and the harbour and at sunset it is simply delightful, and I often visit with friends to enjoy a fish and chip supper from a local takeaway,   and I shall remember her and be thankful that she was my Mother, who I loved dearly.

John Bellamy