Monday November 24 , 2014

John's Blog

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Posted by: John

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I often see these awards and think - well - who voted that the best pub / club / gay venue - as no one asked me and who voted it the best ???   ... and consider it all a load of bollocks to get you to spend more money in their bar.  Trip Advisor;-  while I say they are tossers and a waste of time - this certificate of excellence is an award because of the amount of positive feedback we have received from those who have stayed here and THAT is wonderful and I am proud and thrilled about that.  Compared to many other venues, we could easily be a 3 or 4 star B&B but I do not buy into the tourist board schemes which - again - are just money spinners for the council - and I do not waste my money with something that has such little meaning. 

66% of visitors attend alone.
22% attend  with a partner / friend
6% come on business




I have been having so much fun - well kind of - picking up all the Chestnuts I have found in certain parks locally and scoring ,  boiling and then peeling them ready for Chestnut Stuffing / Ice Cream and especially for the pies I experimented with this week ready for Christmas which was Mincemeat, tinned Pear and Chestnuts in pastry,   and they were delicious 

Now I know you can buy tins of Chestnuts from any supermarket for around £2.50 and for the amount, it is pobably cheaper when you consider all the time involved,  BUT it is so nice to find something that grows locally and that you can collect for free and cook yourself and get so much more enjoyment out of - and knowing that you did this yourself and not just taken from a can.

It does hurt the hands - and it does all take a rather long time to do,  and I can think of tons of things I would rather be doing,  but it is enjoyable when - at Christmas - to tell people these are locally picked and cooked chestnuts and that you have done it all yourself and it does make me feel a little pleased  and content and  laugh when I remember the asshole who left a report on a web site a year ago that stated :-

'Hamilton Hall is dirty filthy, the food is all microwaved food slopped on a plate and the owner (me) is a neurotic fucked up mess that is in need of some serious therapy '-   and I resent the comment about my food being microwaved food slopped on a plate... ha ha Oh the neurotic bit - ha ha --- probably true but that does not worry me, insulting my food and the time and effort taken - does irritate and annoy,  and I love that comment and repeat it to people often and we share a laugh...

I bought some Quails this week as a test for the Christmas menu,  but I think they are far too small and far too expensive - so tonight we are having some with dinner to see how we get on with them,  but I think they are just too small and too expensive,  and as the last time I had quail was in Mexico years ago when they told me it was chicken and I assumed it was sparrow,  I am sure we shall enjoy.


Usually are far too sweet for most people so - put in half the amount of mincemeat and add a piece of tinned pear and top off with a large sponfull of Chestnut ( you can get it in tins ) and add the top of pastry and bake as usual. They are quite yummy and if you sprinkle with icing sugar before you serve, they look real pretty.

I also feel desperately sorry for those people who seem to think it amusing to abuse me on the phone on a reguular basis - always witholding their number - and it is the same person each time and I can hear laughter in the background,  and it just tells me that these people really do not have a life and are so jealous, resentful and envious of me and my venue that they feel the need to take the piss, abuse, harrass and be generally vile to a complete stranger who, as far as I am aware, we have never met,  and that they take the time out of their lives to be deliberately obnoxious to someone who is offering something of beauty to a rather fucked up gay scene and their actions confirm this to me,  that there is a lot of ' special needs' within the gay community and sometimes they - obviously - forget to take their medication.  Bless them.  I do hope they get better and maybe the voices inside their heads will stop and they can see the error of their ways and fopr once in their lives - start to be nice towards others.


Dear John,

How wonderful to read about the comings and goings at HH and of course your more personal news. It has been three years since my last visit to your amazing establishment. I am continuously promising myself that another visit is long overdue and that I need to make the time to come down to Bournemouth. My work commitments have once again been so very restrictive this past year and at long last I have been able to take a lengthy break back home in Durban. But I do promise to find a weekend to be at HH, and perhaps one of your interesting workshops, once I return to London during January. Your guests comments about HH are spot on, there is no other place quite like HH and it would be tragic if you were forced to close down. Don't ever let that happen!
I will use this opportunity to wish you a very happy Christmas and a prosperous New Year!
Warmest regards and big hugs,
John xxx

Dear John
  Ive never replied before....but I do love your blog, your energy and your continued positive spirit.  Being a hotelier myself....I know exactly how you feel Having to put up with miserable, ungrateful, cheap guests who arrive in posh cars...and expect the Ritz. They carry designer luggage yet don't want to pay even basic prices, but expect an early check in and a late check out...all for £25 a night. It is a very hard business.  And the only people who ever write on trip advisor are the haters, and rarely do the lovely customers write anything.
I have also been advertising a TRANNY Night once a week at my hotel...with varying levels of success...they all want it for cheap...and then the tranny shaggers ring, and turn up. They don't want a to buy a drink at the bar, or need a room, but expect a tranny suck them off - ha ha ha ha. I could write a book on this crowd of people.
  Anyhow - I wanted to wish you continued success...and every happiness in the future, and hope to get down to meet you sometime soon.
  Best wishes.  Philip

Hi John:  Read your latest blog you sent out and as usual,  it always makes me smile.  How lovely that you are freely going to invite other gay hotelier and sauna owners down for a free weekend in the new year.  A time when many will need a break,  but John, what about you ?  You need a break as well and while this is a kind gesture which I bet not one other gay venue has ever considered offering,  with your gout and ' old age approaching' ( lol ) we want you there for a lot longer.  Too many of us rely on Ham Hall and desire you to continue for ever and ever as where would we be without you.  I think I have been around 12 times in the last 2 years alone.  Take some time and relax and chill out yourself.  No use killing yourself for all those ungrateful gay men who just take take take and only think of themselves all the time - ( oh how the gay scene is such a vile place )  and Ham Hall ius like a little bit of paradise for so many like me.  Long may you reign.  XX Barry


These e mails above are just a few of the many I received in response to my recent Blog Post Out.  Since sending out my blog which mentioned my Gout I have received so many wonderful e mails from people advising various therapies etc, and BIG THANKYOU to you all for your thoughts.  I have some things to work with now as the good old doctor seems useless and I now have some choices.  Thanks everyone.




Not at all surprised Aldi and Lidl are taking over from the larger and older  supermarket chains like Tesco, Sainsbury's and Asda.  Tesco is one of my regular haunts but this last 18 months or so I have bought less in Tesco and so much more In Lidl and Aldi - not because it is cheaper as sometimes it is the same, but because I don't want one store to have all my money. 

Last year I told my guests we had locally sourced Venison on the menu at Christmas, and it was absolutely delicious - and the ' locally sourced'  was from my local Aldi - Now - they got it from New Zealand and the bullshit on posh venues that claim to have sourced their products locally is rather daft because OF COURSE THEY BUY LOCALLY, WHY WOULD ONE DRIVE HUNDREDS OF MILES TO BUY A CABBAGE when your local market like Tesco is local ?  I tease my guests and have a laugh with it as it is like the gay hotels that claim to be 'GAY OWNED AND RUN' when they are not gay venues at all, but mixed and so gay / straight friendly and everyone is welcome;- so just another hotel then like tens of thousands of others - absolutely no different -  This, therefore, is NOT gay owned and run but merely gay owned, and why would anyone need to know the sexuality of the owners in a mixed venue ?  It is just another con. If you take the time and legal expense to find a way in which you can run your venue as a gay / men only venue, and if you bother to spend the time and the money with your lawyers and study what the law says - then you may be able to advertise as we do - as a MEN ONLY VENUE - and all legal, but please do not bullshit us with words that confuse and mislead... GAY OWNED AND RUN - is bollocks.   You are not better than Tesco.


1)  Too many tills not open and queues getting longer and you expect us to use the self service tills or even use hand held scanners and not even offer an incentive or discount to do so.  If I am buying a trolly full of stuff and will be spending over £150 several times a week, and you expect me to now unload and scan and re load and pack all myself, then I expect a 10 or 15% discount as you are saving staff and yet not offering your customers anything for their bother.  DO NOT give me the rubbish about quicker service when my local Tesco has around 30 tills and there are NEVER more than 6 or 7 open at any one time,  so OPEN THE FUCKING TILLS AND GIVE THE SERVICE WE PAY FOR.

2)  Stop moving stock around the shop all the time and listen to how so many people moan about this aspect of shopping and how it wastes customers time searching for an item which seems to dance around the various aisles and shelves all the time and this REALLY PISSES PEOPLE OFF.

3) Too many items seem to dissappear from the shelves for a month or so, and then magically re appear in different packaging and with a 15 - 30% price increase while being EXACTLY the same product as before, and this is just a complete RIP OFF and where Tesco assumes we have not noticed...  I listen to little old ladies in their 70's and 80's complaining amongst themselves about how prices are hidden and so forth - so how come Tesco's does not hear all the complaints.
Tesco's own Diarrhoea tablets - 80p for 6 - vanished from the shelves and returned a few weeks later at £1.30 - and after I complained  - within a few weeks were reduced to £1 - and are easily found in numerous discount drug stores and even Poundstretcher for between 80p and £1 and I refuse to now buy these in Tesco and will go anywhere else - but NOT tesco, after the con, the lie, the bullshit played with this one item in trying to mislead and steal from us.  Claiming to be helping the poor during this credit crunch is really patronising clap trap from a store who just wants our money and to offer a declining service with less and less staff and all while your staff are grossly unhappy ( try talking to some of them some time and hear how unhappy they are at the way they are treated with contempt by managers )  and maybe management might learn somethings.  If only they were not so arrogant.

4)  Too many mis priced items or items simply not priced at all, and when you bring this to their attention they always blame the customer for moving things and this is to cover their own incompenance

5)   My 83 year old Mothe some years ago was ripped off by Tesco claiming a burger was just £1 when the freezer full - right under the sign - was lamb and mint burgers at £1.99 and for a woman on a pension, this was quite a difference and really embarrassed her at the till.  The correct £1 burgers were 30 feet away from the sign - so why not put the sign over the correct burgers instead of misleading people.  I complained as an old lady had been misled and I found this disgraceful and while complaining, 3 women in their 30's were also confused and misled and complained - and the manager actually did get a ladder and move the sign. 

We - the public - by and large - are not stupid and are voting with our feet and with our money and Tesco - YOU ARE ON TRIAL FOR THEFT, FRAUD, DELIBERATE MISINFORMATION & MISLEADING THE CUSTOMERS -  CAUSING CONFUSION AND BLATANT LIES. 
I am sure Asda, Sainsbury's and Morrisons are just as bad, I just rarely visit these stores and hear they are all the same and all do the same crappy things to confuse and mislead the customers and I just LOVE IT when they try and talk their way out of the bullshit with more bullshit and I can only assume the staff members I speak to at times - ie: Managers - believe this crap and they obviously do not listen to the staff on the floor who have to put up with ragging customers fed up with being misled,   and these managers obviously believe what they are told by head office - which is bollocks compared to what is happening on the shop floor and with the realities faced by shoppers.

Some need to come down from their ivory towers and move amongst the ordinary people some times and see what real life is like and how we common folk, do pay attention and do have the opportunity to go elsewhere and I am so pleased so many have taken that choice and it is reward that 2 local Aldi's have recently doubled their size and one local Lidl is doing the same.  My massive Tesco is undergoing  amassive refit and it will be a more designer store, which is wonderful, but unless they get some simply and basic concerns dealt with, I shall MOST CERTAINLY be buying more and more in Aldi and Lidl and less and less in Tesco, which for a hotel is a considerable amount and tesco is feeling the pinch yet seems blind to the reasons.



GMO soy engineered by Monsanto for heavy pesticide exposure has been found in infant formula purchased in Portland, USA, where a huge fight is raging to demand GMO is labelled on the food wrapper so we know what is in our food. ( GM - Genetically Modified )  Meanwhile - Monsanto is ploughing multi millions into the campaign to keep GMO products from being labeled on food and to keep its contents hidden from the public - maybe because they know the vast majority of people do not want GMO food stuff and especially when it is hidden from view in so many products. 



I have been so stressed all summer struggling with a computer that although is only  a year old, has always given me major headaches by crashing all the time, deleting stuff I have written and generally messing up and making work for me so long winded and frustrating, I despair.  Time for a new one - and time for someone who is expert and good to assist and take control if and when something goes wrong and who can put it right and not on a temporary basis,  as I already have more work than I can handle and when I waste hours every day trying to run my business with a screwed computer,  it really stresses me out.  So if you are local and wish to help - paid naturally - please get in touch. 01202-399227


Christmas and New Year at Hamilton Hall have just a few vacancies open. BOOK NOW.

Just had a guest here who I do have such a laugh with and it is always great when this happens. He has been coming for some years and he is very protective of me and Hammy Hall and this means a great deal to me.   He even brought me a case of wine for Christmas - which ' every litle helps'  and is returning for our New Year period ( almost fully booked already ) and I just know we will have such a laugh... 
That's the great thing of running a venue like Hammy Hall, you never know who is going to walk through the front door next, and not juist some random anonymous guest, as no one is ever an anonymous guest here - and to chat and share, giggle and get to know - is wonderful and we do get some interesting and some amazing people here... and I truly believe that everyone has a story and everyone is as interesting when you get to know them.
Love it.



The day after the island of Maui passed a moratorium on GMO crops, Monsanto announced it was suing them to override the will of the people.

This is outrageous. Can you chip in £15 to help fight back against Monsanto's bulling?

Rounded Rectangle: Donate £15 nowDonate £15 now


Dear John,

Last Tuesday, the voters on the Hawaiian island of Maui passed a moratorium on genetically engineered crops.

The very next day, Monsanto announced plans to sue Maui to block the law from going into effect.

Maui is one of the most biologically diverse places on earth -- but it's being turned into one giant, open-air biological experiment by the rampant use of GMO crops and pesticides.

Monsanto and its allies spent more than $8 million to convince voters to defeat the GMO moratorium and still lost. So now they’re sending an army of lawyers to overturn the will of the people.

Can you chip in £15 to stand with Maui and pressure Monsanto to drop the lawsuit?

Yes, I'll donate £15 to help stop Monsanto from forcing its GMOs and pesticides on people who don't want them.

Monsanto, Dow, BASF, and other huge biotech companies have flocked to Hawaii because the climate allows them to plant and grow seeds that they can sell all over the world. Today, nearly 10 percent of all Hawaii's farmland is owned by just five biotech firms, including Monsanto.

That’s why Maui voters have been asking their elected officials to do something about GMOs and the heavy pesticides that go with them. But the politicians, most of them funded by Monsanto, have ignored the people.

So earlier this year, they took matters into their own hands, collecting thousands of petition signatures to force the issue to be put before voters directly as a citizen referendum.

And last Tuesday, the voters spoke: no GMOs on Maui.

Whatever you think about GMO crops and pesticides, it's just wrong for a corporation to use legal action to intimidate the public and override the democratic process. That's why it's so important we stand up, and stand together, whenever Monsanto tries to use these dirty tactics.

Together we can stand with Maui, and fight back and win. Will you chip in £15 today?

Yes, I'll chip in £15 to help stop Monsanto from forcing its GMOs and pesticides on people who don't want them.

Thanks for all that you do,

Paul, Jon, and the rest of the team at SumOfUs



George W. Bush and Tony Blair were absolutely  right and the Iraq War and the adventure into Afghanistan correct and  good,  so let's have another one - another war of mass destruction and mayhem - because we're all going to be killed by those undocumented ISIS fighters who hate our freedom and have weapons of mass destruction and are in London recruiting young men and women as you read this - right now -  and with the Ebola they will soon be bringing into the country  - we are all going to die anyway.

That's basically the gist of television "journalism" these days, the distilled essence of manufactured hysteria combined with utterly predictable bullshit as spoused by news media like Sky / Fox.  When  you spend ten years indiscriminately dropping bombs abroad, the victims have a way of hating you and hating what you stand for and will want to hit back… and to be honmest I tend to see their point in this - and the lies and bullshit from government, military  and journalists still comes at us full force, even though much is bollocks.

The people spreading this bad noise - politicians and "news" media entities alike - are being well-paid to do so. It furthers their combined agenda to have you climbing the walls in fear as when in fear, we are more controllable.  If we do collapse as a society, it will not be because of Ebola or ISIS or mass immigration taking the jobs no one actually wants anyway -  or anything else. The virus that will end us is stupidity compounded by manufactured fear compounded by the deranged priorities of those who seek to terrorize you and then laugh all the way to the bank.

Take the recent case of Cannabis and the nonesense that has recently been spread through the papers about the dangers and the risks and not one mentions that the dangers of smoking it are from the tobacco - or that alcohol is hugely responsible for the breakdown of relationships, communities, jobs and health and yet where is the health warnings on bottles of gin or cans of beer - and while the government is spending millions ranting the dangers of Cannabis, it chooses to ignore the real danger and use Cannabis as a smoke screen to hide the truth and keep everyone's conscious mind occupied with mistruths and once agin, the truth is hard to find.   

Divide and conquer - mix truth with lies and sit back and watch the people argue the fact from the fiction, and watch the dumb shitheads who believe all they read in the papers, deny any semblance of reality and truth from those who have studied and made it their mission to find the truth,  and the only real victim here - is TRUTH.

Last week we had a guest here who looked completely agasp when we were talking about how 911 was an inside job and not facilitated by the Arabs at all, and he claimed not to have ever heard a single word concerning how we had all been lied to by the United States and how it was all a pre arranged event  and he simply couldn't - or wouldn't believ those of us that were then completely open mouthed at his words.  We were agasp he had never heard even the slightest suggestion of a hidden conspiracy theory and we just stared at him in absolute wonder - much as he was with us in return.  Truth is lost on some and if you repeat the same lie often enough, it does become factual  truth and there are millions who will follow a lie to the grave - BUT NOT ME.

British PM David Cameron: “Non-Violent Extremists” Including “9/11 Truthers”
and “Conspiracy Theorists” are Just as Dangerous as ISIL Terrorists

David Cameron claims there is a  threat to society of what he has called  ‘non-violent extremists’, including those who are attempting to bring forward information and evidence about 9/11 which contradicts the official version of events. Many millions around the world  find this position on 9/11 evidence to be quite incredible and/or implausible.  It is a position that is either extremely ignorant, or it is a position that goes against freedom and democracy in British society to such an extent that it is scarcely believable.  Huge numbers of extremely credible and professional people across the world are now bringing forward incontrovertible facts and evidence showing us that the events of 9/11 have been systematically covered up, and that the public has been deceived and manipulated on this issue at a quite incredible level.  Just like the public was deceived and manipulated about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and the 45 minute claim. 

Millions do not believe the official claim about what happened on 911, any more than they do the official story about the Boston Bombings or even the Brazilian guy in London who was seen running from the authorities and then killed on an undeground train, and the version of the truth that was given to the public was completely a fat sweaty lie - and when the truth came out - who was prosecuted for blatant lies - who was punnished for misleading the country and who was arrested for murdering an innocent man who walked onto a tube train while the authorities completely fucked it all up from beginning to end, and who lied through their teeth to cover their tracks and hide the truth ?  

Look at how the families of those killed in the Hillsborough disaster have been lied to - mis led and even bullied by the authorities in order to cover up their own absolute and complete incompetance and how the abuse by the authority was compounded by the media :-    and the families - oh how they were made to suffer a million fold by the very people who were paid to offer the truth but instead,  horribly and massively lied and distorted and brought decades of agonising heartbreak to a community already coping with loss of friends and family, including young boys of 14 and 15 years of age and where these ' men in power' made eronious claims that the youths were drunk and they simply made things up about the dead to save their own sorry arses. 

It makes me want to puke.

Truth - it seems - when it comes to the authorities, is in short supply and the only people who suffer,  is you and me - the public - who teach our children to be honest, and we expect the same from those in positions of power, and yet every single time - we are lied to and blatantly ' in your face' accused of being a ' non violent extremist' by our Prime Minister - and this sickens me to the very core.

If  David Cameron is going to claim I am  as dangerous as ISIL or an extremist because I do not believe the official truths given on so many ' terrorist' claims by our government,  then maybe the police would have a field day if every single person who did not believe the official claim,  walked into their local police station and handed themselves in as guilty extremists,  and just see what happens when millions are queing outside police stations up and down the country.

Truth, is seems, is hard to come by from officialdome and one wonders what kind of example this sets our young - and I simply do not believe much what is shared through the media these days and as for going into another war with America - ARE WE MAD.
  There may be a semblance of truth,  but sadly we cannot trust the levels at which our government and the United States will go to in order to hide the truth and just do what they want - for whatever reasons - and we the people, will continue to be lied to and kept in ignorance.

Your opinions on this article are invited, as usual.

John: I was astounded at the level in which you wrote your piece called TRUTH in your recent Blog. Wow, I was not expecting something as hard hitting but goodness, I completely agreed with you and found myself nodding and saying yes - yes - yes all the way through. Robin.
John. I believe that Marilyn Monroe was really a tranvestite. Does that make me a terrorist ?  Rob. ( New York )

John: Good to read your thing on Truth in your blog. Good to actually read something that is true.  I also was shocked to be called a Non Violent Extremist by our own prime Minister and shocked that if we did not tow the line and believe every word offered by the government then we were terrorists ?  How shocking is that ?  Well done on sharing this with us on your blog. Top marks to you John. Robers ( London )


So many people  believe that 911 was an ' inside job' done by the USA istelf, that there is even an advert on this billboard in Times Square to get peoples attention to this truth.  WATCH IT HERE


John: I notice you are offering some mixed men and women weekends at Hamilton Hall. As a men only venue, how come ? Rob.

Well Rob, I see you have not stayed at Hamilton hall - from your e mail address - in 4 years - and we do not survive financially and we really do struggle here and unless we are supported more,  we will be forced to close, and then you will have comment.  These occasional mixed events are - hopefully - going to help bring in some much needed income and even if just 2 or 3 events a year, like a private booking - where it is not available for those who want a men only venue and there is always the rest of the year for you to enjoy,  and we do this in order to stay open.
If you can suggest or even offer to promote and facilitate, a weekend workshop, seminar or just lazy weekend and fill the venue with paying guests, then I shall be all ears to your suggestion and help offered, but as it all comes down to me and no one else and I do run out of ideas or have what I think is a good ides that flops ( as this may ) then I do what I can do in order to stay open. Period.



STREISAND ( aaahhh.....  love her..... )

It's official - Barbra Streisand's
Partners has entered the Billboard 200 chart at #1, making her the only recording artist in history to have a number one release in six consecutive decades!

Some might think this a little ' too gay ' but fuck'em.  I have loved Streisand since I was 16 years of age and bought every album, saw every film and TV interview and saw her live in concert 3 times and even went to the Royal Premier of 'Prince of Tides' and sat not 12 feet away from Princess Diana and Streisand... and have been a fan for a long time and I am thrilled that this new CD is so popular, for while it is not Streisand the belter - this is Streisand at 73 years of age and doing damned well.  It has a more mellow feel - probably because of her age and probably because her voice is more mature and lower in key,  and although I didn't think I was going to like the CD - and while I have never heard of half the male singers she is dueting with,  it aint half bad for an old girl... and well worth the money. 

Good on yu Babs... How about another Partners album but this time - as was originally thought - duets with Bette Midler, Byonce and other women singers... Now that would certainly get my attention.


This is the new poster to be found

at the front door when you walk up.

It is viewed by all those walking by and everyone can see that we are PEOPLE MOTIVATED - NOT PROFIT DRIVEN - and I get a great many comments from locals about how we offer so much for free.





Spirituality and Men (SAM)
is a self-development group run by men for men, aiming to explore the spirit of man through informative dialogue, honest interaction and the silence of meditation.

This group meets on the first Sunday of every month at Global Co-operation House.


For further information, please contact the SAM team:



Thought you might like to see these e mails to and from Hammy Hall.  

It did make me laugh.


To Hamilton Hall :-    ' If I come to see any of your clients in the hotel do I have to pay anything?'

My Answer: :- 'I have no idea what you are talking about … . in plain English please.'

His answer :- 'In plain English: Can I come to your Hotel and have sex with your clients (I expect your clients to pay me) You can not expect me to pay for anything as I am short of money.'

My answer :-  'In plain English - FUCK OFF'





I watched a cringey youtube video about 'X MEN AND THE GAY AGENDA' through the films ' X MEN' (  CLICK HERE AND WATCH IT NOW ) and how the director had sex with young boys and raped them as part of the gay agenda to turn young boys gay, and I have never ever heard anything so absurd. WHAT THE FUCK IS A GAY AGENDA ?  I have been an out gay man for alomst 50 years. I have run various gay organisations, gay business' and even worked for 20 years in the sex industry - involved with thousands of people over the years and not once, never ever - have I ever heard of a hidden gay agenda and it seems it must come from the straights who are convinced we are about to brainwash all young boys and take over the world - or something.

I must point out here that paedophilia is predominately straight - about 90% straight - and not gay at all,  yet the straights do like to scream and holla about gay men screwing young boys and in all my years I have only ever met one man who had been convicted for having a wank with a teenage boy and he as a little odd - as in he was not the sharpest pencil in the box - or to the point, he had special needs mentally himself. 

What is this gay agenda that the straight world seems to transfixed with that we gay people know absolutely nothing about - and when you say this - all they can say is that we are lying, living in denial,  hiding the truth from the people,   when the truth is - there is no gay agenda any more than there is an agenda by gay men to take over the world and turn all men gay - or for gay men to fly to the moon and make it a gay macca or any other ludicrous ideology created out of warped minds bent on some kind of fear based rhetoric that has - in many ways - been used for centuries to damn and destroy people they fear - and why do they fear gay man - 

It REALLY is about time these scared little boys grew up and turned their attention to the mass murder and mayhem their own governments are  doing in Iraq and Afghanistan and how even America is now getting into bed with their own worst enemy, the one country they claim is the creation of all evils and all terrorism ( no - not America itself although you wouldn't be far wrong ) but Iran.  Let's concentrate on truth here and not the fear based crap that so many like to throw about that is precisely that - CRAP.

Now:  If you know something about a gay agenda that I have been missing for the last 50 years - other than we demand equality and acceptance just like black, asian, aboriginal and Essex people have been demanding for decades ( just joking about those from Essex... )  then PLEASE enlighten me , but be honest, be truthful and above all, be adult and  do not approach your thoughts through your dick or through fear but through rational adult and educated input of honesty.  Anything else is just dangerous and unenlightened.




Now that the summer is over we are allowed with the dog on the beach again and she just loves it... hates the water --- but loves the sand and running around.
Any day you fancy a glorious walk with me and my dog, usually around 1pm,  just pop on by and you are very welcome to join us and we can chat and share a laugh while we take in some beautiful scenery somewhere, not necissarily the ebach, as Bournemouth has tons of stunning places to walk a dog.








A generation ago, schoolchildren caught fighting in the corridors, sassing a teacher or skipping class might have ended up in detention. Today, there’s a good chance they will end up in police custody.

In Texas, a student got a misdemeanor ticket for wearing too much perfume. In Wisconsin, a teen was charged with theft after sharing the chicken nuggets from a classmate’s meal—the classmate was on lunch assistance and sharing it meant the teen had violated the law, authorities said. In Florida, a student conducted a science experiment before the authorization of her teacher; when it went awry she received a felony weapons charge.

Over the past 20 years, prompted by changing police tactics and a zero-tolerance attitude toward small crimes, authorities have made more than a quarter of a billion arrests, the Federal Bureau of Investigation estimates.

Nearly one out of every three American adults are on file in the FBI’s master criminal database.




an amazing lyric and video about gay love



The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.


When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.


It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.


This is so sweet, a dog who discovers he doesn't have to swim




Tony Bray died just before Christmas, and I shall miss him.  He was a good and dear friend who visited and loved Hamilton Hall and would sit in the Conservatory meeting and greeting people as they came and went and everyone loved his peaceful and charming manner.  He was 79 years of age and a real sweetheart.    He will be missed, dearly missed.








Take a look HERE






Every penny raised goes to help the many people we help with food, company, a week or  weekend away, counseling, and even sometimes helping with clothes. In one case we bought a homeless student a bike to get to college on,  and in another , a guitar and lessons to play for a local lad whose life was aimless and he was stoned on drugs all day and all night and we are today, guiding him into making  a life for himself - get his act together - and have some order in his empty life.  We do what we do for absolutely no reason other than 

This web site makes some useful suggestions to HOW TO COPE WITH HOMOPHOBIC FAMILIES










Posted by: John

Tagged in: Untagged 






What or who do you truly care about ?

 e mail and let me know

Had an old man here recently who stated he cared about nothing but himself, not even the environment, and I was appalled at his self centred attitude which I found dreadful.  I know there are many within society who feel the same - and maybe this comes about because they feel disenfranchised from their family, politics, big business, jobs and anything - and this is complately understandable. Society is changing dramatically and the older generations must remember when it was a lot kinder world and people cared and showed an interest in their neighbours and society in general, even if only their local area, THEY CARED - and to state he cared nothing about anything is dreadfully sad - selfish old fart - yet also desperately sad.


John:  I care about so much I have no idea where to start. My cat. My family.  World economics.  I care about Americans not being so aggressive globally.  The environment and keeping nature clean of chemicals. Good food.  Good healthy relationships.  Safe sex.  Not being global bullies.  The list goes on and on John.  Robert ( Muswell Hill )

John- What do I care about.  First: Myself.  Next:  The human race. Third. World Peace.  4th:  That we remember our humanity and care for others as we would expect to be cared for in return.  Malc.  ( Rome )

John: I have met people who do not give a damn for anyone or anything but themselves and these kind of self centred people never get the point and surely must have some kind of mental health problem going on in there - as how else can someone absolutely not give a damn for anything unless there is something else going on with their brain.  If we were all that uncaring then the world would have blown up decades ago.,  It needs people who care to do what needs to be done.  Un caring people are no use to humanity.  Rex:  London

John:  As a man in his 80's I am still as keen and as interested in what goes on around the world as I was decades ago., Just because someone retires does not mean they retire from life. Those OAP's who struggle to fill their days and find meaning and have given up caring - have given up on life and this is a sad thing.  I cannot fathom these people as I find every day exciting and since my wife died 10 years ago and I came out as gay,  it has been a ball.  Randolph.  ( Cardiff )


I received this e mail below - sent through this web site's Contact Us Page and I spent a good 45 minutes responding to find out they had either given an incorrect e mail address of a non existant one and whatever the case, I wasted 45 minutes responding to something that was a waste of my time, and tiume is not on my dside as we are very busy here and my days are really full.   It irritates greatly. You try and offer help. You  try and be a good person. You hear the cries for help and you respond as a decent human being in the best way you know how and then discover it is a con, a waste of time, a fuck up, and it does drive you to despair.  It makes me wonder so much of the time, why the fuck I bother.   If Adam sees this and cares to send a correct e mail address, I might answer again, I might just ignore it.   There was no one at all for me to ask for help - no web sites available to guide me, no person with any answers or worthy of even asking.  I struggled and rose to the surface through damned hard work and making mistakes that cost me.  Besides, Adams request is somewhat naive  and his fantasy and the reality are at complete opposites of the spectrum of reality.

Dear John:  My Name is Adam the one in the glasses in the picture and my partner Daniel are nudist and love the Life style we are both in the entertainment industry and have danced and worked on ships, we now live in London. We are looking into the future to work or manage a nudist resort we have stayed at a few and have always loved them and as we like that life style feel that we would enjoy working at one of these Resorts!! The reason why I am writing is to ask if you could help us on how to get started in this business of Gay Nude Resorts, What are the qualifications you have to have? how did you got started? As we are interested we know that we need to learn about the business and start working at one first and learn the ways of a nude Resort.saying that do you have any Positions available at the moment? Any help you can give us or steer us in the right direction would be Fantastic. any information you can give us would be amazing Thank you in Advanced Adam





Broadway Hotel


You really have to wonder at the stupidity of some people. How often do we read in the news that someone has come up with a crackpot scheme which is a disaster waiting to happen?

In this particular instance I am referring to the Broadway Hotel in Blackpool, which recently decided it would charge customers £100 if they posted a bad review of their stay online. First – and it’s worth pointing this out – there was a precedent that any hotelier worth his salt could have learned from. A similar scheme by a hotel in the US made major mainstream news earlier this year and resulted in the owner having to issue an apology and claim that it was a joke, but not before a lot of reputational damage had already been done. The news travelled all over the world.

Second, a hotelier whose response to negative feedback is to try to blackmail guests into silence cannot realistically be described as knowing how to run a hospitality business. If you have put on such a poor show that a guest thinks your hotel is a “filthy, dirty, rotten, stinking hovel“, then surely the first reaction should be one of alarmed introspection, not an automated card-charging exercise?  OIf you check out the Broadway Hotel in Trip Advisor you will see that every report left is damning and dreadful with a very rare compliment amnongst a tirade of complaoints from almost every reviewer.  How hotels like this are permitted to remain open is beyond me. It does no one any good.

But in the case of the Broadway Hotel, the owner or the general manager cannot be a stranger to this kind of reaction from their guests – else why does a barely-legal punitive measure such as this exist in their terms and conditions? What hotel with the remotest shred of respectability would conceive of the idea, let alone codify it in the small print?   With so many really dreadful reviews on Trip Advisor I would suggest this venue earns its income from the fines it places on guests who leave negative responses as at £100 a throw,  and if you check out Trip Advisor alone and see how many bad reports there are - the income raised must be considerable.

I hope to goodness the couple involved have the gumption to take this matter considerably further than a phone call to the local Trading Standards authority (who, incidentally, have now told the hotel in question that it is not allowedquelle surprise). Were I in their shoes, I would be exploring whether the clause was not only unfair, but constituted a form of theft, and I would be taking to every reviews website I could find to explain not only how appalling my hotel stay was, but to tell the world that this odious little policy is written into the rulebook.

Ultimately, the problem I see in this hotel’s behaviour is that that it is the diametric opposite to ‘good faith’, a social more which governs and enables good business. One hopes the authorities see fit to force the Broadway Hotel to refund every customer to which it has meted out this measure.  After all the appalling attention this has now raised for the bRoadway it is hoped the local Tourist Board, Council and whoever gives the venue its license, will think twice and will force this venue to close down - or certainly fire the management who came up with this dreadful scheme and give the venue a make over and either bring it up to basic standards or close it down - period.

This kind of story does no one in the hotel industry and favours.







I am reminded of how Transport For London tried breaking the law - bullying and intimidation to screw me of £175 for something they lied and cheated in stating was illegal when it was not, and after an 8 month written and phone called argument between us,  I WON and they REFUSED to apologise or pay compensation. Today - I would sue them.  They were claiming  money on false charges - breaking the law - claiming the law was on their sides when it was lies lies LIES - and as the mighty power of TFL is enough to make most people pay up - and not fight - they usually win - so they are no better than CRIMINALS BREAKING THE LAWE AND LEGALLY GETTING AWAY WITH IT . They are no better than scum.



Pope Francis Demotes Highest-Ranking

US Cardinal Over LGBT Issues

It's been in the news. Now it has been confirmed. As of this past weekend, Raymond Leo Burke, America's highest-ranking cardinal at the Vatican, was officially removed from the Vatican's Supreme Court, and demoted to chaplain of the Knights of Malta, where he will reign with much less responsibility. The ultra-Conservative and anti-gay cardinal, continuously challenges the jurisdiction of Pope Francis, and the Catholic Church's new receptive stance on homosexuality.

How ironic it is to find the demoted cardinal is from the United States. What does that say about America - that even the Catholic Church and a pope are ahead of so many anti-LGBT lawmakers and extremists in this country.

Weeks after taking office in 2013, Pope Francis asked, 'Who am I to judge?' speaking of the LGBT community. Since then, he has had great support for his progressive views, and of course, great opposition. Raymond Burke is one of the pope's strongest opponents. The 66 year-old Burke believes homosexuality is, 'always and everywhere wrong [and] evil,' and continuously questioned the authority of Pope Francis, now 77. Burke told Buzzfeed in October:




Having watched 'The Hotel Inspector' and having worked in the hospitality industry - in one way or another - for decades - makes me realise how many people assume it is easy work and an easy way to make a ton of money. Watching how so many on TV porogrammes mess it up - is gob smacking and I have an offer for you.

If you are thinking of opening a  B&B of some kind and have little experience of knowledge, then I invite you to come to Hamilton Hall for a 3 day weekend - which you will pay for - and I will put you to work for the whole period and show you exactly how full an average day for us is - and where you might be thinking you would employ staff to do all the work for you - and where I know this is grossly incorrect as there often - quite simply - is NOT the income there to pay out on wages and the only way you will make any money at all is to do most of the work yourself - and I will talk about all the various Health & Safety / Food Hygiene / Music Licences / Busines Rates and Business Garbage collection - and anything that you probably have absolutely no clue about and assume it is something completely different.

I sold a big hotel in Guernsey many moons ago ( 17 bedrooms and between 50 and 60 guests with a Bar, Restaurant / Tea Room etc ) and it was sold to a man and his wife and her brother ( all in their 40's ) and I stayed on for the first 3 weeks to show them the catering side of things, and on the very first night when they were now in charge of the hotel and my lover ( whose business it was ) had now moved out and was gone - at 5.30pm ( dinner at 6pm ) - they came to the kitchen and told me they were leaving and on asking, they said they were going home for dinner. I pointed out that this was now their hotel and that I was cooking dinner for them, and they stated they wanted to eat at home and would be back AFTER BREAKFAST. I was open mouthed - and asked who was going to sort out the wine selling at dinner and who was going to run the bar before and after dinner as this had been my lovers job and now he was gone ..... it was --- kinda --- their job now. They said that one of the waitresses could do is - surely - and I did point out that

1) It was not their job.
2) They did not have the keys to the wine store or bar.
3) They knew bugger all about wine or bar work.
4) They were going to trust a complete strange waitress they had never met before to work their till and money ???

and when I pointed out that this was now their venue, this was their hotel - and that this was one of their jobs, the husband actually said those magic words to me :-

' A place like this runs itself, doesn't it ?'  

and I pointed out that in fact no it did not and that they would be working between 12 and 18 hours every single day from Easter until late October - and that it was exhausting work, and they sniggered and went home for dinner and I did the bar after dinner for them

After I finnished my 3 week period, within a further week they closed the Tea Room which garnered as much income as the whole hotel did - and within 3 months they were all on the edge of nervous breakdowns, had paid out every penny earned in extra wages employing tons of staff and went bankrupt within a few months - and it was desperately sad to see our much loved and respected business go down the plug hole so damned fast, it was sickening. They simply didn't have a clue. 

Naturally they blamed us for everything but the truth was, they actually thought a very busy venue woulkd actually run itself - and make them a f
ortune - for doing fuck all themselves, and it was quite pitiable.  I felt I wanted to slap them awake and make them see reality and not the dream world - the fantasy - they assumed life would be for them as ' hoteliers.'

They sold up, losing a fortune -to others who didn't have a clue and the venue has sat empty and now derelict ever since - almost 40 years.

These morons - related to the Curry's electrical people - ( so they came from business people )  didn't have a fucking clue and assumed it was just going to be a cash cow and that they would have a good income from doing fuck all, and how damned wrong were they.

So - before you make the mistake and assume it is easy work and well paid - come and see what we do here and how many hours a week we work and then see if you want to actually invest and work so hard for so little.



click above to read all about this dangerous legislation



Nothing to do with Eurovision - but this song HAPPY is well worth watching
and tapping your feet to. You will recognise it. Click on the picture of Pharrell Williams below

If you put HAPPY into youtube it will come up with scores of people from all over the world with their own videos of this song and their own dancing to it,  and there are tons to choose from and many really well done. It seems millions have accepted and love this song and it seems to be the song of 2014 already.



Eighty-eight thousand deaths a year?
One in 10 people in America die from alcohol abuse each year.




US Secretary of State, John Kerry representing a country which makes Genghis Khan look like a wimp when it comes to illegal invasions, still retains the prize for jaw dropper of the decade:

"You just don't, in the 21st century, behave in 19th century fashion by invading another country on completely trumped up pretext", he pontificated on CBS' "Face the Nation." 

It really is enough to take your breath away,- the gall of this idiot.  Does he assume we are all idiots ?





How to Live with No Regrets

Living a life free of regrets involves letting go. It involves letting go of the would-have, should-have, could-have mentality. Dwelling on how you could have lived differently is detrimental to your spirit. Sometimes we do the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time. Frequently the wrong choices bring us to the right places. Make the choice now to forgive yourself, as the world needs the best of you. You cannot give your best when you dwell on past hurts or perceived mistakes…




The following BOURNEBATERS poll is now closed. Here are the
final results:



- YES, 19 votes, 41.30%
- NO, 14 votes, 30.43%
- INDIFFERENCE TO SEX, 1 votes, 2.17%

For more information about this group, please visit




'We have all been in abusive relationships, and sometimes we were the one being abused.'

Marianne Williams
















So - remind me once again, what is it that these guys above are guilty of - oh I remember -

sharing the truth of what our governments are up to that they want kept hidden for fear

the people will rise up in absolute horror at what they have been up to and kick them

out of power and make a lot of changes - perhaps.  

So, it seems the government has more to hide from the people than they care to let on.  

I wonder why ?



Had a couple of guests stay recently who worked as geologist with a ' BIG PETROLEUM' company ( hint ) and when I asked them about Fracking they both said much the same thing,   that it was not environmentally a good idea as the concept of high pressure water and chemicals being pumped underground was unknown and the damage these chemicals were / would / could do to the water table, the environment was dangerous and unknown and could cause earth quakes and it could be very dangerous to human and animal health.   There simply was no evidence to claim it is safe whereas the common sense about the dangers is clear.

This coming from professionals who work in the field  , travelling the world working in the oil and gas industry for over 50 years between them.

Interesting that two very seperate geologists both said much the same thing.







Posted by: John

Tagged in: Untagged 






This was a recent e mail enquiry:


This was a recent e mail.

'Are you open Christmas day and Boxing day.'

Just that - no Hi or Bye or thankyou, so perhaps it was sent by iPhone.

So I amswered with a pleasant e mail with attachments and prices and what is available as it is almost fully booked and an explanation all about the Fesrtive Season at Hammy Hall and this was the answer:-

'how much? will give it a miss, you must be making a fortune out of people. Awful'

and I swear there are times when you just want to sit down and damned well cry your fucking eyes out after just spending day after day - 12 hours a day on average,  putting up the decorations and getting the garden looking good for the winter;-  stocking up on food stuff and writing Christmas and New Year menue's and cleaning out the deep freezers and fridges - sorting shelves to accommodate the extra stock.;-  and all while you still have your usual full days work - for which you do not get paid - and I know you all appreciate how hard we struggle here financially because of those damned bankers,  and then this little prick send an e mail that indicates he assumes I am screwing people out of their money and over charghing and it just makes me sad and angry: - Sad for him that he is so delusional that he will get cheaper anywhere else and angry as I do not deserve this.  These guys who throw their stuff at others;-  and when I wrote back I did say that in the new year - as he was so obviously broke, he may qualify for one of our free holiday periods offered throughout the year and naturally, I doubt I shall ever hear again.

It does spoil things although I also see the funny side in things like this,  but at the time, it leaves me quite speechless ( which is MOST unusual ) that someone can actually be so  rude and obnoxious and feel the need, the desire, to respond in such a manner and be so insulting to a NOT FOR PROFIT VENUE and besides that - to any venue,m as I bet he would not dare do that to British Airways or the Hilton Hotel group - and because it is a agy hptel he assumes it is okay to throw his rudeness at others because - probably - his own life is shit and he wants to spread a little of that aropund instead of actually being nice.

It does sadden me.



I had harsh words with a local friend last night and got so angry I took away his dinner ( he invited himself to dinner which he has shared with us here many times ) and basically threw him out of my home - and we were both bartking at each other all the while.

This friend has been HIV Positive for around 20 years after a lifetime ( no other job ever ) of escort work, and although he has been showing an Undetectable  Viral Load and a normal T Cell Count for more than 13 years,  and now they government is trying to get him back to work,  he is using every little thiung he can think of NOT to go back to work and to make them continue poaying his his full benefiuts even though Ma and Pa are filthy rich, he owns his flat outright ( thanks Ma nd Pa ) and he screamed at me that I saw things through rose tinted glasses and that is when the shit hit the fan.

After 30 years working with friends, work colleagues and friends dying off in the 1980's like flies and attending so many funerals - and being a Buddy to various people with HIV complications and attending scores of hospital appointments with people and holding their hand in comfort and support. I have been there through it alkl for many friends over thge years and always offer support and comfort, understanding and as well as sympathy - realism.   This friend is totally delusional in assuming he is the only one who is ill and he cannot cope with taking 3 or 4 tablets every day as he claims it is doing his head in living with death - EVEN THOUGH HE IS NOT LIVING WITH DEATH HE IS LIVING WITH AIDS - WHICH IS VERY DIFFERENT.
Every single one of us will be on some kind of mediaction even if like me,  youy are HIV Negative.  Everyone has to monitor their health for something or other even if not terminal - like Diabetes or IBS. 


to be continued:






This emotional and thought provoking personal article, written by John Bellamy, shares some of the dangers - the highs and lows, of the sex industry.
If you are involved with the sex industry and you feel you are drowning,  or finding it hard to cope, then come and have a chat with John and see if he can offer some useful and supportive advise.  Many get it all wrong and assume they need to offer almost everything, when you do not. 

You must set yourself guidelines and rules and be strict with them, regardless of how much someone offers.  Respect and self worth are vital and NEVER - EVER - let anyone EVER put you down for what you do.  It is vitally important work, more so than most comprehend.



workshop cons

If any tutorial or workshop needs you to sign up to 3 - 4 or more classes,  then it is a con. You should never need to attend over and over and if it cannot be taught in one or two workshops, then it is being strung out to garner more money from you.  Do not sign up to - or agree - with anything that just keeps going indefinately draining you of money.

When a Tantra / Meditation / Spiritual Group offers a DIPLOMA COURSE - know that any diploma is not worth the paper it is written on and it is pure and complete BULLSHIT.  There are no diplomas except what even I could manufacture on my computer to say you have attended and passed an exam and it would be worthless - except for a pretty thing to frame for your wall. It counts for very little.



If could only do one for the rest of your life...
Created on 11/18/2014 177 votes, 12 comments, 459 views
If you could only do one of the following for the rest of your life, which would it be? You can only choose ONE! Just some food for thought here. Explanations are welcome in the comments.
Only masturbating yourself by yourself (never with others)

45% (80 votes)

Masturbating yourself, but only in the presence of one bate buddy (never by yourself or group)

16% (28 votes)

Masturbating yourself, but only in the presence of a group of 3 or more (never by yourself or one-on-one)

19% (34 votes)

Only having others masturbate you (no return favors or masturbating yourself)

7% (12 votes)

Being able to have multiple orgasms and huge loads every single time, but only through sexual intercourse (No masturbating or oral)

13% (24 votes)


'a prediction' by John Bellamy

The USA wants civil unrest. Through police brutality, airport security abuse, local governmnent, corporate abuse major financial abuse through the banks & politicians,  the government is driving the innocent people to stand up for change and to take to the streets and to cause civil unrest because of the unwarranted abuse dished out to them from the authorities and this is exactly what the authorities want. They want to then spin this into terrorism and to put the constitution aside and with martial law, take control of the country and marshall all the trouble makers, - the grannies and children, the ordinary innocent men and women, who are just sick of the abuse of government, into Re Education Centres ( 800 FEMA Camps are already open and ready for business ) and this will allow the governments and Corporate / Banking America to plunder and steal - using us to police ourselves as in the Concentration Camps of WW2.  The government will then sanction mass killing and mass domination of the mind, body and soul of the population with re education.  

It has already started.
The FEMA Camps are there and open
Plans have already had 2 rehearsals by th US Government


The government doesn't give a fuck.
It's about control. power and wealth.









John's comments on whistleblowers

I have huge amounts of respect for these guys and any others who reveal the truth - the awful truth, about what our governments and corporations are doing around the world and the wrong doing and illegal acts, the murder and mayhem caused by their actions, and when exposed, they turn on the whistleblower and use all sorts of spin and lies and misinformation to damn and destroy in the face of the public, the very person who is trying to expose these outragous acts that we - the public - would / are outraged about;-   when it is the government who should be hiding its head in utter and complete shame.

Good for these guys and I sincerely hope Edward Snowden gets away from the US trying to track him down and that Bradley Manning gets his action heard by the masses and gets the correct reward he deserves and not the outragous and disgusting treatment the USA has metred out to him so far.

A democracy - when talking about the United States of America, this is not a word we think of.  This nation of bullies, even of its own people, will kill, murder, destroy and plunder anyone and anything to get exactly what it wants and it thinks NOTHING AT ALL ABOUT MURDERING ITS OWN PEOPLE - INNOCENT PEOPLE and hunt those it claims are guilty of espionage even when the wrong doing is at the hands of the government and NOT the whistleblower who simply told the world what is going on behind their backs.

My door will always be open for them.

John Bellamy





Remember who 'YOU' are©

By Christopher Charles

(One of my neighbours here at Hamilton Hall)

"Have you ever though there might be more to life?
Have you ever thought of the trouble and strife?
Have you ever thought you don't need a wife?
in this system that tells YOU what is right.

Have you ever thought that black could be white
Have you ever wanted dark to be light
Have you ever wished that wrong was right
to stop the arguing and end the fight.

Well yes.....guess what..? You're not alone
cos a mate'o'mine just heard on the phone
that an awakening is happening on this planet...your home.
Its such a good reason to have a moan

So put pen to paper and air your views
make a banner and get on the news,
have regular meetings...invite your crews
for this is the know what to do

For this has been predicted through space and time
that the people will end up...not towing the line
and without the state...we'll be just fine
from the 1% and their hidden crimes.

The banks are corrupt
The leaders out of touch
The BBC is weird
and the planets burning up.

So we vote a change...cos we think it matters
we get a different group of mad hatters
or ask for new laws to cover the doors
of the apparent cause,  to all the flaws
The government will not like us
on the streets with loud hailers and banners
we shout "make some new laws for these cheating scammers"
but we don't realise we are voting for laws that will hit us as a row of angry hammers.

'Cos we all want change...but asking's not right
We must spread our wings if we really want flight
and not get caught up in their two party fight
Make up your own mind...don't believe the hype

You cant stop wars by bombing for peace
That's like trying to fuck for virginity at least
and when we ask for laws on hateful speech
we take away the freedom of each

So stop being offended of what people say
Its only because YOU hear it that way
Sticks and stones and come what may
Support freedom of speech everyday

So how do we make a new world for the better
I'll tell ya....I'll go through it letter for letter

Turn off your tellys and put on your wellies
'cos growing your own food is where its at.

Remove the fluoride from your diet
Its only there to keep you quiet

Get to know your neighbours and others around
and you'll soon find ...they're all quite sound.

Recognise the difference between statute and law
and the word means much more.

For the acts are not real...they come from the sea
they were not meant for you and me.
It's all maritime's corporate rules
and I'm sorry to say ...we have all been fooled.
There are very few laws for women and men
no damage...that's them
It's just a game...the game of life
you count yourself in when you use the dice,
and the dice is your name........
I'm watching you frown
For your names property of the Crown

Remember who you are."

© Hamilton Hall Promotions / Christopher Charles  CT13012013


Withholding information from people should be a crime. We believe is sharing knowledge and wisdoms freely, and if anything on this web site has been used without permission, then our apologies. Please inform us and if you wish, it will be removed.  We do not make money from this web site and is part of a NOT FOR PROFIT VENUE of Hamilton Hall.

The poem above was written by Christopher Charles  and you are welcome to re print and re use it and please always give a credit to the author and to this web site.  If we find you are making a profit from it or stealing its content for other financial gain and taking the worthy praise that Christopher Charles  - in my opinion, deserves for this brilliant piece, then we will seek legal action.

John Bellamy





If you loose part of this page - CLICK HERE





and learn all about INDECT

and watch the 6 minute video to the very end





It all sounds so innocent and so ' for your benefit'

but the sad truth
is so very dangerous and different

to what they claim

It states that this could be sold to companies and corporate bodies

who have absolutely no right, as far as I am concerned,

spying on people. That is not for national security -

that is not for the protection of the masses -

that is all about control.








Posted by: John

Tagged in: Untagged 



If you loose part of this page - CLICK HERE


Marijuana frequently gets a bad rap. How much of it is deserved? After my earlier blog, “Should Marijuana Be Legalized?” I conducted research to find out the benefits and problems linked with marijuana use. While there are many, here are ten of the health benefits attributed to marijuana and, of course, some of the problems linked to its use:

Alzheimer’s—Marijuana may be able to slow the progression of Alzheimer’s disease, according to research by the Scripps Research Institute and published in Molecular Pharmaceutics.

AnxietyHarvard Medical School found that marijuana may have anti-anxiety effects. Of course, keep in mind that high doses may increase anxiety and paranoia.

Arthritis—Marijuana can alleviate pain and inflammation linked to arthritis.

Cancer—Research in the journal Molecular Cancer Therapeutics found that cannabidiol found in marijuana, turns off a gene called “Id-1,” which cancer cells use to spread.

Epilepsy—Marijuana has been shown in studies by Virginia Commonwealth University, to stop seizures in the school’s animal studies.

GlaucomaResearchers are working on developing new drugs based on cannabis to treat glaucoma pain after learning its effectiveness for treating the condition. Glaucoma is a condition that increases pressure inside the eyeball and can lead to vision loss.

Improves Lung Health—Research in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that marijuana can increase lung capacity, not decrease it as many people have long believed.

Multiple Sclerosis—A study published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal found that cannabinoids found in marijuana significantly reduced multiple sclerosis pain.

Nausea—Marijuana contains a minimum of 60 chemicals known as cannabinoids, of which THC is the primary one associated with its mind-altering effects.  THC has been used in the treatment of nausea, including drug- or chemotherapy-induced nausea.

Parkinson’s Disease—Research published in MedPage Today found that marijuana use eased tremors and improved fine motor skills in patients with Parkinson’s disease.


Problems Linked with Marijuana Use:

Addiction—that’s a fairly obvious one. Also, it can cause uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms in people who discontinue use.

Comment from JB:  Marijuana is non addictive - the tobacco you mix it with is the danger,  not the dope.

Anxiety and Paranoia—In high doses or in sensitive individuals, marijuana can cause anxiety and paranoia.

Comment from JB:  In tests - it was found that under 5% of people who smoke marijuana suffer from pananoia and this is usually because the person already had dsigns on mental health and the dope was the key. It is NOT common amongst regular smokers who have smoked for years.

Memory Impairment—As anyone who’s ever talked to someone who is high knows, memory impairment is common.

Mind-Altering Effects—This is particularly evident among people who haven’t used it before as well as many young people.

Comment from JB:  Just like booze or stress or prescription drugs - sometimes you can get an extra strong marijuana which can be a bit trippy,  just like some alcoholic substanbces which are quite legal.


Heart Attack—One study found an increase risk of heart attack within the first hour of smoking marijuana.

If you think severe sentencing laws are doing more harm than good,

consider signing this


Read more:



Does anyone else cringe upon hearing statements like,

“You need to love yourself before you can  land a job, a relationship, lasting inner peace - etc.” ?


I do, and I call it bullshit.  It might be correct in the bigger scheme of things, but here in the real world, it can be very hard and somewhat unrealistic at times.

Sure, liking yourself is important. Believing in yourself, trusting yourself to generally do right by your own best interests. Acting with integrity. Setting boundaries. Respecting yourself enough to know how you deserve to be treated and how others deserve to be treated by you in return and striving to settle for nothing but this,  is often hard. 

But the conditional “if/then” formulas in the self-help-sphere drive me absolutely bonkers. The Personal Development Police would like to have you believe that you have to high-jump over the impossible-to-reach SELF-LOVE bar in order to truly manifest what you want, when the truth is it is so much easier than you can ever imagibe - it is just that we constantly get in our own way.

I find those that give bland advice ' Oh you need to learn some self love' annoying,  unrealistic and frustrating —  it is good advice but also bad advice, no matter how well-intentioned. At least for me. You might disagree with me, and that’s fine. If you are born with unfailing radiant self-love at max capacity 24/7, I am thrilled for you! Bottle it up and sell it, baby!

But for the rest of us mere mortals, self-love is a spectrum, and there‘s a good chance it varies every day. Particularly when you are riding the roller coaster of holding down a job,   or a new relationship or quitting your job or any other massive life change that will cause stress and anxiety. 

Who really loves themselves all day every day, romancing their reflection with flowers and unicorns and affirmations in the mirror every morning?

Listen — I certainly don’t think you want to actively shoot yourself down (put-downs, berating, etc) but can we agree to a more neutral zone?

I do not believe self-love is black or white — you love yourself or you don’t.

Just do the best with what you’ve got, and admit when terrifying, thrilling, vulnerability-inducing situations bring out your shy, insecure, or worry sides. Hallelujah, you‘re alive! And you’re most likely hot on the trail of something exciting.

Try This: I Love Myself Enough

Here‘s my take: do things. Do things that scare you, and watch your confidence build.

Instead of reaching for an unshakeable self-love bar you can never hit, sit with the idea that “I love myself enough. It might not be 100%, but I love myself enough to give this a shot. To be vulnerable, and to take one small brave step each day.”

The best way you can truly love yourself (blegh, the term still gives me hives!) is to give yourself permission to do or say whatever is authentically on your mind, and to start right from where you already are.

Action is what moves you forward. Action is what builds your confidence. Action is the best teacher.

As my favorite Joan Baez quote goes, “Action is the antidote to despair.“






ATTENTION: All you rule-breakers, you misfits & troublemakers, all you free-spirits & pioneers...
Everything the establishment has told you is wrong with you - is actually what's right with you...

A friend showed me this last night and I was awe struck by the power and the meaning in the words. 

Watch the video here - but most important -


It speaks to the heart of all those Light Workers
and those working for a higher cause -

Those who know there IS a Higher Cause
and those seekers of the TRUTH.

Go here:
Get it on iTunes:
Friend us at
Follow the creator on
Friend him on Facebook: HERE





I found this the most powerful piece I think I have ever heard and it moved me deeply.
I urge you to listen with your eyes shut - ignore the video for the first hearing, and just throw yourself into the message

Thanks to Chris who introduced me to this



Here are the words below :-
 By Garret John LoPorto on September 22, 2010



ATTENTION: All you rule-breakers, you misfits and troublemakers -

all you free spirits and pioneers - all you visionaries and non-conformists

Everything that the establishment has told you is wrong with you - is actually what's right with you.

You see things others don't. You are hardwired to change the world. Unlike 9 out of 10 people - your mind is irrepressible - and this threatens authority. You were born to be a revolutionary.

You can't stand rules because in your heart you know there's a better way.

You have strengths dangerous to the establishment - and it wants them eliminated, So your whole life you've been told your strengths were weaknesses - Now I'm telling you otherwise.

Your impulsivity is a gift - impulses are your key to the miraculous,

Your distractibility - is an artifact of your inspired creativity,

Your mood swings - reflect the natural pulse of life, they give you unstoppable energy when you're high and deep soulful insight when you're low,

Been diagnosed with a "disorder"? That's society's latest way to deny it's own illness by pointing the finger at you.


Your addictive personality is just a symptom of your vast underused capacity for heroic, creative expression and spiritual connection. your utter lack of repression, your wide eyed idealism, your unmitigated open mind - didn't anyone ever tell you?!

These are the traits shared by the greatest pioneers and visionaries and innovators, revolutionaries, procrastinators and drama queens, activists on the social scene, space cadets and mavericks, philosophers and derelicts, business suits flying fighter jets, football stars and sex addicts, celebrities with ADD, alcoholics who seek novelty, first responders - prophets and saints, mystics and change agents.

We are - all - the same - you know

'cuz we're all affected by the way -
We are - all - the same - you know
'cuz we're all attracted to the flame -
You know in your heart that there's a natural order to life,
something more sovereign than any man-made rules or laws could ever express

This natural order is called "the Way."


The Way is the eternal substrate of the cosmos. It guides the very current of time and space. The Way is known by some as the Will of God, Divine Providence, the Holy Spirit, the implicate order, the Tao, reverse-entropy, life-force, but for now we'll simply call it "the Way."

The Way is reflected in you as the source of your inspiration, the source of your passions, your wisdom, your enthusiasm, your intuition, your spiritual fire - love.

The Way takes the chaos out of the Universe and breathes life into it by reflecting divine order. The Way, when experienced by the mind, is genius, when perceived through the eyes is beauty, when felt with the senses is grace, when allowed into the heart ... is love.

Most people cannot sense the Way directly. ... But then there are the Wayseers. The keepers of the flame. Wayseers have an unexplainable knack for just knowing the Way.
They sense it in their very being. They can't tell you why or how they arrived at the right answer. They just know it in their core. They can't show their work. So don't ask. Their minds simply resonate with the Way. When the Way is present, so are they.

While others are blind to it, and society begs you to ignore it, "the Way" stirs you inside. Neurological repression blocks most people's awareness of the Way - censoring all thoughts and impulses from the unconscious is their prefrontal cortex - the gestapo of the brain -  nothing which violates its socialized programming even gets through; but your mind is different. your mind has been cracked wide open to the Way - by some miraculous genetic trait, some psychotropic chemical or maybe even by the will of your very soul, your brain's reward pathways have been hijacked - dopamine employed to overthrow the fascist dictatorship of your prefrontal cortex - now your brain is free of repression, your mind free of censorship, your awareness exposed to the turbulent seas of the unconscious - through this open doorway divine light shines into your consciousness showing you the Way. This is what makes you a Wayseer.

90% of human civilization is populated with those who's brains are blocked to the Way.  Their brains are hardwired to enforce the social programming indoctrinated since birth.
Unlike you they cannot break out of this programming, because they have not yet experienced the necessary revolution of mind. These programmed people take social institutions and rules very seriously. Society is full of games programmed to keep peoples' minds occupied so they will not revolt.

These games often cause sick fixations on peculiar protocols, power structures, taboos and domination - all subtle forms of human bondage - This distinct form of madness is not only tolerated by the masses but insisted upon. The programmed ones believe in rules so forcefully they become willing to destroy anyone who violates them.

Wayseers are the ones who call their bluff.  Since Wayseer minds are free to reject social programming, Wayseers readily see social institutions for what they are - imaginary games.  
Wayseers comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.
Helping those who are lost in these games and refuse to help themselves is a calling of many Wayseers.

Since Wayseers are the ones who keep contact with the original source of reality - they are able to disrupt societal conventions and even governments to realign humanity with the Way.

The Wayseers are an ancient lineage. A kind of priesthood - carriers of the flame - ones "in the know."  There must always be Wayseers to reform the dizzying psychotic spinning gears of society - giant mindless hamster wheels obscuring the pure blue sky, keeping humanity shackled in a darkened cage - so Wayseers are called - to shed light on the madness of society - to continually resurrect the timeless transcendent Spirit of Truth -

Wayseers reveal this divine truth by devoting themselves to the birth of some creative or disruptive act expressed through art or philosophy, innovations to shake up industry, revolutions for democracy, coups that topple hypocrisy, movements of solidarity, changes that leave a legacy, rebellions against policy, spirit infused technology, moments of clarity, things that challenge barbarity, watersheds of sincerity, momentous drives for charity

We are - all - the same - you know

'cuz we're all affected by the way -

We are - all - the same - you know

'cuz we're all attracted to the flame -

This is your calling, Wayseer

You've found your tribe.

Welcome home.





andy pryor

Died Sunday August 19th 2012 - aged, I think 43.

and you know what,  I don't think I have a picture of him - after a computer crash a few years ago where thousands of photos were lost, and now all I have is my memory - that picture in my head.

I first met Andy when he joined a group I was runnning called 'The Gay Spiritual Group' in London, and this would be around 1996-97. He was instantly a keen member  and quickly  joined the committee to help with the running of the group.  Once a month we hosted a Social  and would get anything up to 65 members in my London home and a really good spiritual evening would be had,  relaxed and informal,  with people just talking and laughing,   and at around 9pm I would introduce a speaker for 30 minutes or so, and one of these evenings,  Andy wanted to give a talk about an  experience he had recently had.
He was really nervous and with a little encouragement from me - he stood and introduced himself and gave a wonderful, lighthearted account of a recent trip to Egypt that had changed his life,  and it was a really lovely thing to be a part of and to hear this London cockney lad - offering such a  gentle story. 

For Andy was a little Tough Ted... an east end lad you might not - at one time - have trusted  with your wallet or car keys - as he had been a cheeky little rascall when he was a teenager and in private he would tell me some of the things he had got up to in the past which while illegal,   did make you smile broadly and laugh out loud... and while you felt for the victim who had had their car stolen - or whatever - it was never meant to be malicious or evil,  it was just lads messing about,  and we would laugh.  But all that was years behind him and he donated a great deal of his time to helping others, through voluntary charity work and in his private life as well,  and he was a very thoughtful and kind, considerate and loving man.

When I moved to Hamilton Hall he would come down and help us paint and decorate - or more often - he would actually bring a friend with him who he paid to do the work for him as his disabilities through various illnesses brought about through his HIV made it difficult for him to do some things physically,  and he was thrilled every time to be able to offer something and happy to be a part of Hamilton Hall, and I was very pleased to have him part of my life.

I remember one long hot summer, maybe around 2004 - he was down for a couple of weeks with his dog - a Doberman named Scooby ( naturally )  and we would sit in the garden until late at night with candles lit all over the place and just chill out and laugh and share stories from our past - as we actually had a lot in common - and these are happy memories.  His cheecky chappy grin and laugh won him many friends here and one elderly friend fell madly in love with him;- in a really nice and sweet way - and every time I mentioned Andy to him he would smile broadly and laugh...

I knew his health was up and down over the years and I would always be inviting him down for a free stay and more often than not, he would either come down or be too busy at home,  and all of a sudden he has having problems with his bowels and had already had an operation giving him a temporary colostomy and when he visited he was so up, so cheerful and so positive, he was such an inspiration even though I think he was going through a great deal. 

During a trip to Egypt where the pain became so great he increased his pain medication, he decided upon return to just tell the doctors to take his bowel right out and give him a full colostomy as he could not live with the pain and it was obviously not getting any better,  and this was done almost immediately.  He laughed about not needing to douch any more and was so positive all through it.  But it seems things went from bad to worst and although he was always up-beat when I phoned,  he eventually moved into a hospice - he said for pain management - but within a couple of weeks his phone was switched off and he had died.  A few days later his sister called and told me the news and as soon as she said she was Andy's sister, I knew - for I had had to go through my own sisters phone book years ago after her death - phoning people and telling them - and I just knew.  Instantly my tummy did a flip,  my heart missed a beat and a tear came to my eye.  Poor Andy, I wish he'd let me know how ill he was, I would have visited him in the hospice,  but I think he didn't want a fuss - didn't want people to see him in those last days and wanted us to remember him as he was,  and he left this world peacefully and as he had lived it , on his own terms.

He also chose not to have a funeral service of any kind,  and the family were to be told - after the fact - that he had been cremated by the funeral company after it was all over.  Some would have a hard time with this - as saying your final farewell in front of a coffin is traditional and what we all expect,  but not when it causes such grief for people.  Andy hated fuss,  and so chose to leave this life as quietly as he could and leave happy memories and not grief in his wake.  

No flowers.

No hymns. 
No getting to the place on time and having to wear something black - which he would have hated and no
eulogy describing his life in nine minutes.

I was upstairs late last night with a friend and Andy and I had always shared a cigarette or two together and evenings just talking and laughing,  so I did just that with Matt who works here and we shared a few smokes,  talked about loads of things including Andy - and just had one of those evenings where we were giggling like school girls...  and all the while aware of Andy and how he would have loved to be with us one last time,  and bless him. 

Getting older for me is fun,  I see so much of other older people in myself as I come closer to my 60's - people who are older than I am and now I am catching them up,  and the one sadness is remembering all the sweet people whose lives have come to an end so much younger and so much sooner,  and it makes me sad.  I know there are always new friends to meet,  new faces to  laugh with and new evenings to share a smoke and a giggle and I give thanks for the ever changing aspect of my daily life and the wonderous way it moves through the years,  and there are times I remember back and see a face in my minds eye - of Andy - or someone else I held dear but probably never got the chance to really tell them how important they were to me,  and I try harder with my 'today friends' to let them know how much I care and love them, and as fast and as busy as my days are,  I always remember and keep their memory alive within my mind, my body and my soul and in this,  they are still with me.  Still alive and still making me smile.   For I don't ever want to forget.

Bless you Andy.

This is a piece of music he enjoyed and is to be played in the chapel.  CLICK HERE





Posted by: John

Tagged in: Untagged 



Say No

to Extreme Disruption Orders

Stop the UK Government from Introducing








Home secretary Theresa May has proposed new gagging orders that would restrict free speech for a wide range of political activists. These "extreme disruption orders" are part of a new counter-terrorism strategy aimed at extremists, but they could actually affect many citizens. Please sign the petition urging the government to reject the proposed extreme disruption orders.

These new orders are a dangerous violation of our free speech. Under May's plan, police would be given new authority to ask the high court to issue orders against nonviolent groups and individuals. The restrictions would include banning people from speaking at public events, protests and meetings and from visiting particular public locations.

May also wants to restrict television appearances and the use of social media by banned individuals. And if that's not scary enough, violating these orders would be a criminal offense punishable with jail time.

We can't let the government throw people in jail for talking about their political views. The orders would give the government too much power to arbitrarily ban viewpoints they don't agree with, which has frightening implications for all citizens. Act now to protect our fundamental rights and convince the government to reject extreme disruption orders.

It means that anyone with a different viewpoint to the official word from government stands the risk of being called a Non Violent Terrorist  and because of our different views, stand the chance of being arrested and gagged - either by holding us somewhere in a secure untit or banning us from public speaking  and this level of control by any government is NOT DEMOCRACY.

Thank you,






Posted by: John

Tagged in: Untagged 




February 2011



who worked at Hamilton Hall from December 2008 - January 2011




Please call Police Constable 2557 TRENT -

Incident / Reference number C:11:C:8746 -

on 01202/01305 22 22 22 

or e mail her on

otherwise e mail  John Bellamy on


Since Kristian left us because the police were catching up with him, I have had loads of phone calls and e mails from those who have been burned by him over the years and it seems he is not just an opportunistic thief - who sees an opportunity and grabs it - but someone who has made a career out of stealing, lying and manipulating people and it has brought much sadness, grief and heartache to those he has conned.  Stealing money from a man who was ill with PCP and on deaths door is dreadful. Conning an old lady out of her life savings is unthinkable.  Stealing charity money while pretending to have cancer - leaves me speachless. I truly thought better of him than this and it is sad that after experiencing him,  it leaves you distrusting and questioning everyones motives - which is sad - and like everyone else before me,  I am sad for Kristian. 

Like many, I do miss Kristian, even for all his lies and cheating ways. he has a heart of gold when it suits him and he is the kindest and most thoughtful man I have met in a long time and I don't care to think that all his kindness was just a way of getting around me, gaining my trust and friendship so he could con me.  I care to think that somewhere inside this man,  is a caring soul who is just caught in a trap and cannot find an exit, even though I honestly offered to help him,  he still ran and out of fear, has never looked back.

He is such a bright, intelligent, presentable and hard working man that he could have the best job - earning a lot of money - and have friends and respect - instead of the loathing, the hatred and the bile filled words that I have read from others on e mail.  He could have it all, and all through his time here at hamilton Hall he was desperate - absolutely desperate - for friends and respect and worked so hard at befriending others - and bullshitting us about how everyone loved and adored him and made up such stories about his life and background that  always proved to be false - and it saddens me that  the people who did be friend him and he became close to -   he  ended up stealing  from them.   Find out their weak points - who had money - who had anything - he could steal - and to have absolutely no conscience - no guilt, no remorse and no feelings at all for those he has harmed,  sends a very sad and pathetic message about how this man doesn't understand the basic - the most basic - of things - LOVE. 
His family seem to have disowned him.  Friends last as long as he is in town and before he is back on the run again with the police after him and friends left in shock and horror at what he has done, and I am desperately sorry for all concerned.

I have thought many times since Kristian vanished about deleting this page on my web site,  but then I hear in my head the pain and anguish in peoples conversations with me on the phone - since Kristian vanished and since I let it be known what he had done - from others who had been stung by him,  and that alone keeps this page on this web site.   One man is so destroyed that he cannot get on with his life as he doesn't know who he can trust,  and this is a common thread from many who have been 'taken in' by Kristian and now feel very hurt and betrayed. 
Yet I cannot fathom why he has allowed this to be a way of life.  he is a wonderful man who could really be in a good well paid job,  and he has no one to blame but himself.  It is such a shame, especially as I offered him a way out but he could noit accept it as it meant telling me thr truth and - to be honest - I think he is unaware of what the truth is any more - or certainly - afraid of his own truths, and is so caught up in the Walter Mitty - that as he gets older, he will find it harder and harder.

I feel desperately sorry for everyone concerned.  Including Kristian.
He was certainly my best worker - ever.


Until proven guilty in a court of law - even though I have evidence and a confession from Kristians own lips that he stole from me,  all this is conjective until proven in court. It seems his rights are more protected in law than those he robbed from and his human rights are paramount above his victims.  The law is an ass and the police have done precious little in finding him as he is a low priority case - and as usual, the victim is offered little respect and I was even told off by the police women above for actually putting this on my web site - but as they are doing nothing to find him, I shall continue with this in the hope that someone - somewhere - will read this, see him, and get him facing his accusers in a court of law so these people can have closure.

The human rights of the victim seems to come second to those of the person who has abused them.  As far as I am concerned, as soon as a thief picks up a brick to throw through my window to rob my home :-  As soon as a mugger spots a victim and takes ain :- As soon as anyone puts in motion any kind of illegal act against another - THEIR HUMAN RIGHTS SHOULD COME SECOND TO THE VICTIM - WHO DID NOT ASK TO BE ROBBED, RAPED, MUGGED ETC.  and the manner - all too often,  that the legal authorities offer the victim is second rate compared to the rights of the criminal.  Too many times the victim is left with a life of fear because not only have they been abused by a bad person,  they have been abuse dby the very system that is suppose to protect them.



My Mother, Betty.

Posted by: John

Tagged in: personal



My Mother died 21st September 2011

by John Bellamy

Like a lot of you out there, I have a Mother  who moved from her warden assisted flat to a nursing care home as her mental and physical health meant she was no longer able to look after herself any longer, and there were many times when it made my heart weep. I was talked out of looking after her in my  home and while my heart desperately wanted to look after her,  my head told me I would not manage and it was not a good idea.

A while ago she had a bladder infection and she was in bed and  very distressed - staring out of unseeing eyes that did not seem to focus,  grabbing with her hands at anything and everything close - ie: the bars at the side of the hospital bed had been put up to keep her in bed as she kept sliding out and staggering up the ward - and it was quite a distressing site for many to witness - and she was chattering away - with words that did not follow any cohesive sense and while she knew my name and - kind of - that I was her son -  all sorts of other family members names came into it and I don't really think she knew me,   Her confused state was sad to witness. 

My Mother - a bright, intelligent fashion model who was one of London's top models in the 1940's  and 1950's and walked the catwalk,   also sang with many famous dance bands,  for she had a superb voice - and who raised 3 children,  was reduced to this. 

A tall proud women with a voice and an opinion of her own and no fear of speaking her mind,- a woman who was married 3 times during her life and who put up with a lot,-   A woman who had lived alone for over 20 years since her 3rd husband - my Step Father died and who lost her only daughter ( my sister ) and her baby ( my niece ) around 20 years ago when both died a few months apart ,-  A women who has always been accepting of my gay lifestyle and who loved my friends and boyfriends totally,   even if not being as accepting of my brothers wife - always being a dreadful mother-in-law and a women who all those 'mother-in-law jokes'  must have been written about,-  And a woman who was stubborn, difficult and sometimes a women who would make the angels cry because GOD she could NEVER admit fault and take responsibility and simply apologize,   and a woman who has caused much family turmoil because of her refusal - point blank refusal - to ever accept that she was ever wrong about anything - And a woman who admitted to me some years ago that she had never been in love - never really knew what love was and that - despite being married 3 times and raising a family,  had never really understood what that mysterious word 'love' - had meant - and while in her way she has loved and has been loved, she never really comprehended what it meant, and for that, I was always desperately sorry. 

Sorry that she never understood how we - her children - felt about her and sorry that she always felt the need to - somehow - try and manipulate the situation to suit herself all the time.  Sad that she  never realised we would do whatever she wanted because we loved her and not because she was being manipulative.  Sad that she always thought every situation was about her  and sad that she felt such jealously and resentment towards anyone who 'stole her limelight' - even her own grandchildren.  Sad that she resented her son being a sensational husband and father to his children and sad that she felt such resentment towards those who had something she felt she had lost out on, when the truth was - she hadn't - for she was loved - she was very cared for - and while she never understood this and while she felt alone and unloved,  other people were hurt and betrayed by her time and time again because she simply didn't get it.  She never really understood,-  and that saddens me. 

Poor Betty - my poor Mother,  and as much as we have told her over the years and as much as we have openly shown our affection and considered her in our lives - she still never got it - never realised and never allowed herself to be part of the family - preferring to isolate herself and say that she wasn't wanted all the time when the exact opposite was the truth, and we just got fed up with it. 

Towards the end, to see her bedridden and shouting for help all the time,  was not good.   I could have visited more often,  and she understood in her way.

Whatever it was she lost - and whatever it was she lacked - and for all her mistakes and all her selfish ways,  she was my Mother, I love her dearly, and no-one - NO -ONE - should be made to go through the kind of thing at the end of their lives,   and the cruelty metered out by a government and health authority  SO AGAINST EUTHANASIA beggars belief.  My Mother would not have wanted this,  and with a society where 80% of people asked agree that euthanasia is the best thing in some situations such as this,  I know she didn't suffer at the end, which came quite quickly,  and that  she can now be with my sister, her family and Jesus - in peace - which is what she spoke of.

I would tell her that it was okay - she didn't have to keep fighting and being scared - that she could go to Heaven and see Jesus and the family any time she wanted, and that she, and they, would all be young again, that she would be singing once more and surrounded by those who loved her,  and that her Father - who she never knew - would welcome her with open arms - along with Jesus.  She felt reassured with this and while her body outlived her mind -  I know she would not have wanted to live like this.  Some people need permission to 'let go' and find peace, and my Mother hung on in there and died 21st September 2011 aged 89.   She wasn't ill - she wasn't suffering anything more than being bed ridden and with dementia - her body was strong and she just seemed to 'give up' and slipped into unconsciousness and died within an hour, peacefully, and for that I thank God and the Universe.

So my Mother has now become a memory and one I shall treasure always. I shall tell stories, laugh and get angry, and always with love and affection, for while my Mother exasperated us dearly,  she was a character - and strong willed individual and she died how she lived, in her own time and in her own way.  I can hardly believe I will not see her next week or next month, when I visit and I comb her hair and paint her nails and we talk around in circles and --- but like so many people,  life goes on and we will have her cremated and sprinkle her ashes over Evening Hill - a delightful park with a stunning view over Poole and the harbour and at sunset it is simply delightful, and I often visit with friends to enjoy a fish and chip supper from a local takeaway,   and I shall remember her and be thankful that she was my Mother, who I loved dearly.

John Bellamy







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