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Workshops/Diary
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and to quote Bette Midler...
'Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke...'
or Barbra Streisand when heckled from the audience because someone didn't like
her George Bush joke
'Oh shut the fuck up.'
40
Gypsies died and went to heaven. They turned up at the Pearly ------------------- Did you know that eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, His darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't Return he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes Of mourning he decided that he must get himself another Mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd
Have to cross
the feather barrier. And brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all The dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a
DOVE, I want
to love!' The nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found A very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the Sex was good but all the loon would say is, 'I am a LOON, I
Want to
spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck Back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck
Would say
was..... . . . . No, the duck didn't say THAT ... Don't be SO disgusting. ! The duck said, 'I am a DRAKE , You made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!! ------------------------------ The New DrinkR-RatedA woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you slam the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys...smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks...this is OKAAAAAY! Finally he picks up the lime juice and slams it. In one second the sharp lime taste hits. At two seconds the Baileys curdles. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Holy shit, what do you call that drink?" She smiles angelically at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."
Ponderisms
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place? The Cab DriverA mother and daughter were riding in a cab though New York City daughter noticed some scantily clad women loitering on a street "Mommy," the little girl asked, "what are all those ladies doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work." the mother answered.
"C'mon lady, they're hookers!" retorted the cab driver. After a stunned silence, the daughter asked, "Mommy, do hookers have children?" "Of course," the mother replied, "where do you think cabbies come from?"
JOKES TO
OFFEND EVERYONE...
Because those men already have boyfriends.
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Get
another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins
--------------------------------
The priest in a
small Irish village loved his chickens that he
Superman was bored. So he
gave Batman a call. While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?' 'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied. 'You've gotta be kiddin' me.' 'No, would you like to give it a try?' Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw the guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?' The poor guy told the new hiker the whole, terrible story about how he ended up there in such a helpless, embarrassing position.
When the handcuffed victim had finished telling his story, the other guy
shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently
behind the ear and said, ‘This just ain't gonna be your day,
cupcake...'
--------------------------------------------------
A store that
sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go
to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:
You may visit
this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the
products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item fro m a particular floor, or may choose to go up to
the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building!
So, a woman
goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the
sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These
men Have Jobs.
She is
intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These
men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice,"
she thinks, "but I want more."
So she
continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These
men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she
thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the
fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These
men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With
Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!"
she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes
to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These
men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so
tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:
Floor 6 - You
are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives
store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like
beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. His wife
sympathizes. As they sit down she says, 'Why don't you take my brother
with you, and give it one more try'. 'That's no good', sighs Arthur. 'Your
brother is a hundred and three. He can't help'. 'He may be a hundred and three', says the
wife, 'but his eyesight is perfect'. So the next day Arthur heads off to the
golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty
swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law.
Did you see the ball? 'Of course I did !', says the brother-in-law. 'I
have perfect eyesight'. 'Where did it go?', asks Arthur. 'I don't remember'
--------------------------------------------------
Hangover Rating SystemPG-RatedOne Star Hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries. Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels. Three Star Hangover (***) Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl or guy walks by you gag because her perfume or his cologne reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once. Four Star Hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five dumps you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom. Five Star Hangover, (*****) You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your butt. Death sounds pretty good right about now....
A Tale of Two Prawns Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........." (You're going to love this.....) "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian."
Condom Shopping at WalmartPG-Rated
A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to
the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the
checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, 'What size condoms? The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants.He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.' The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.' A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't
know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the
counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said..
>
He replies, 'None, they will all fly
away with the first gunshot.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the
teacher. She then called on little Michael. ----------------------------------------------- A large company recently hired several cannibals as it was expanding quickly and couldn't find enough British staff. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the canteen on the Ground Floor for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our other employees". The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No". After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating manager and no one noticed anything. But you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!" -----------------------------------------------
Lawyers should never ask
a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a
trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a
grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
I had amnesia once --- or
twice.
as if Bush looked like that without his clothes.... ----------------------------
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her
faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who -------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Joke: African Roulette This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador ! treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women. The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: "One of them's a cannibal." A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, Honey. I love you." The wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too"
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
Here are a few words of wisdom you might enjoy.
When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers
in her car." -------------------------------------- Fucker Fish An old priest
takes a sea fishing trip with an old sailor. |
