|
MEMO FROM GOD
PERFECT FOR THE
NEW YEAR AHEAD
Effective immediately, please be aware
that there are changes you need to make in your life. These changes need to be
completed in order that I may fulfill my promises to you to grant you peace, joy
and happiness in this life. I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all
that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you. I know, I already gave
you the 10 Commandments. Keep them. But follow these guidelines, also.
1. QUIT WORRYING
Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten
that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you ? Or do you just
enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?
2. PUT IT ON THE LIST
Something needs done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No, not YOUR list.
Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can't
help you until you turn it over to me. And although my to-do-list is long, I am
after all, God. I can take care of anything you put into my hands. In fact, if
the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that
you never even
realize.
3. TRUST ME
Once you've given your burdens to me, quit trying to take them back. Trust in
me. Have the faith that I will take care of all your needs, your problems and
your trials. Problems with the kids? Put them on my list. Problem with finances
? Put it on my list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster ? For My sake,
put it on my list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.
4. LEAVE IT ALONE
Don't wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think
I can handle it from here." Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It's
simple. You gave me your burdens nd I'm taking care of them. I also renew your
strength and cover you in my peace. Don't you know that if I give you these
problems back, you will be right back where you started ? Leave them with me and
forget about them. Just let me do my job.
5. TALK TO ME
I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy. Forget
the worry and the fretting because you know I'm in control. But there's one
thing I pray you never forget. Please don't forget to talk to me - OFTEN! I love
you. I want to hear your voice. I want you to include me in on the things going
on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer
is simply you having a conversation with me. I want to be your dearest friend.
6. HAVE FAITH
I see a lot of things from up here that you can't see from where you are. Have
faith in me that I know what I'm doing. Trust me, you wouldn't want the view
from my eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your
needs. You only have to trust me. Although I have a much bigger task than you,
it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard
can trust be?
7. SHARE
You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget ?
That rule still applies. Share with those who are less fortunate than you. Share
your joy with those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who
haven't heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with those who have
forgotten how to cry. Share your faith with those who have none.
8. BE PATIENT
I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse
experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many
times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people,
and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes me a
little longer than you expect to handle something on my to-do-list ? Trust in my
timing, for my timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe in
only six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.
9. BE KIND
Be kind to others, for I love them just
as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live
the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for my
sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring > if
you were all identical. Please know I love each of your differences.
10. LOVE YOURSELF
As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself ? You were created by me
for one reason only - to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love.
Love me. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes my heart ache
when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very
precious to me. Don't ever forget that!
With all my heart, I love you, GOD
The legendary
Library of Alexandria,
located in Ancient Egypt, which made Alexandria the center of learning
and knowledge for the entire Mediterranean world for over 600 years:
"Alexander the Great founded Alexandria in 332 BCE but hung around just
long enough to lay out the basic street plan and get construction
underway. When he died a few years later, one of his generals, Ptolemy
Soter, took control of Egypt and made Alexandria his capital, building
great palaces and temples, including a temple to the Muses (or Museum).
His son, Ptolemy II Philadelphus, started the library, which was based
in or next to the Museum, using Aristotle's personal library as its
core. Ptolemy III Euergetes continued the work, determined to gather in
the library all the knowledge of the world, and he instituted an
aggressive policy of collection that involved acquiring scrolls, copying
them and then returning the (inferior) copies while retaining the
originals. He supposedly had every ship that passed through Alexandria
searched for new scrolls and borrowed the entire scroll collection of
Athens, willingly forfeiting his massive deposit in order to keep the
originals. Eventually the collection [was reputed to have] numbered over
500,000 scrolls--700,000 by some accounts--making it, by a considerable
margin, the greatest collection the ancient world had ever known. ...
"Along with the collection of parchment (and later vellum) scrolls, the
Ptolemies paid for a permanent faculty of 30-50 scholars to live and
work at the library, and over the centuries their number included most
of the great names of antiquity, including Euclid (father of geometry),
Eratosthenes (who calculated the circumference of the Earth), Archimedes
(legendary discoverer of the lever, the screw, and pi) and Galen (the
most influential medical writer of the next 1,400 years). ...
"The Library was probably not a big as legend contends. Historian James
Hannam has calculated that storing 500,000 scrolls would require 25
miles of shelving, which in turn would mean that the Library must have
been a truly monumental building. None of the sources mention such a
gargantuan edifice, and since the remains of the library have never
fully been excavated its full extent remains a mystery.
"Most telling, however, is the evidence from other ancient libraries
that have left remains, which show that even those renowned for their
wealth and breadth had collections numbering in the thousands rather
than the hundreds of thousands. The finest library in the history of
ancient Rome was the Library of Trajan, which probably contained around
20,000 scrolls, while the Library of Pergamon, arch-rival to the
Alexandrian library, probably had around 30,000."
Joel Levy, Lost Histories, Barnes & Noble, Copyright 2006 by Joel
Levy, pp. 28-30. |
Spirit Journeys Newsletter
www.SpiritJourneys.com
Dear Spirit Journeyers,
It seems that many of us have been
confronted with fear and doubt recently. I know I have. With the mass
media only showing us the negative things in our world regarding the
economy, wars, politics, etc, it is easy to see why. My first reaction
to these feelings, was to resist them. And, as always with resisting,
that only made the feelings stronger. I also kept my fear and doubt to
myself, thinking that if I did not give voice to them, they wouldn’t
exist; like that pink elephant in the corner of the living room that
nobody talks about.
I eventually did two things that have
helped bring me back to center, for the most part. First, I began to
surrender to the fears and doubts, even embrace them. I began to thank
them for what they were offering to teach me. Once I stopped coming
from a place of “reaction”, I was able to take actions that were from
the heart, and not from fear. I then reached out to friends and
family, sharing my fear and doubt, and asking for support. That’s when
I heard that I was not the only one having these feelings. Also, by
sharing my secret fears and doubts, I found that their power over me
was greatly diminished.
I write this for any of you that may be
facing your own fear and doubt at this time. Take heart, you are not
alone. There are many of us. From my personal experience, I suggest
reaching out; not to propagate or wallow in fear or doubt, but to
simply acknowledge and thank them for their presence and for what they
have to teach. Just my two cents… - Howie
|
ELEGANT INSULTS
When Insults Had Class (no 4-letter words !!) These glorious insults are
from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great
portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to
mention waving middle fingers.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my
husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink
it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said
Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -
Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston
Churchill (to Harry Truman about Clement Atlee)
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner(about Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading
it." Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved
of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar
Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -
Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -
Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E.
Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar
Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather
than illumination." - Andrew Lang (18 44-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn't it." - Groucho
Marx
Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday
to get out of Australia , as the government targeted radicals in a bid to
head off potential terror attacks.
Separately,
Australian
Prime Minister John Howard -
angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy
agencies monitoring the nation's mosques. Quote: 'IMMIGRANTS, NOT
AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation
worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture..
Since the terrorist attacks on Bali , we have experienced a surge in
patriotism by the majority of Australians.'
'This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials
and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom'
'We
speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese,
Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of
our society . Learn the language!'
'Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing,
political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian
principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is
certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God
offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your
new home, because God is part of our culture.'
'We
will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that
you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.'
'This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you
every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining,
whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or
Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great
Australian freedom,
'THE
RIGHT TO LEAVE'.'
'If
you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You
asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.'
-------------------------
The competition you simply cannot lose
Good
morning all.
Today we welcome you with
news of our unbeatable, highly exciting, new game
ASYLUM
and we invite
you to participate in this unbelievable, innovatory offer
to get into Britain and win a council house.
We've already given away
hundreds of millions of pounds and many thousand dream homes, courtesy of
our sponsor,
The British Taxpayer, for
what has developed into the fastest growing game on the planet.
Anyone can play, provided
they don't hold a valid British Passport. And, dear friends, you need only
know one word of English -
ASYLUM.
Prizes include all expenses
paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to
earn thousands, possibly hundreds of thousands more by begging, mugging
and accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to
everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our many partner
airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.
No
application ever refused
.
All
you have to do is destroy all
your papers and remember the magic password:-
ASYLUM...
Only a few weeks ago 140 members of the
Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown first class from Kabul to our
international gateway at Stanstead where local law enforcement officers
were on hand to fastrack them to their luxury £200 per person per night
rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel.
They join tens of thousands
of other lucky winners already staying in hostels all over Britain.
Our most popular
destinations include the White Cliffs of Dover, the world famous
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at Croydon.
If you don't fully
understand the rules, there's absolutely no need to phone a friend or to
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you a single UK penny...
Start
playing today. It could change your life forever. Among the Winners we
have Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, Kosovan drug
smugglers, Tamil tigers, bogus Bosnians, it doesn't matter, there's no
prejudice against any race or creed, so...
COME ON DOWN!
REMEMBER...
YOU
too could be one of the tens
of thousands of lucky winners in the softest game on earth. Roll up, roll
up, dear friends - play the game that never ends...
Everyone's a winner when
they play ASYLUM!
-----------------------------------
SPIRITUAL TREE
HUGGERS
I know a lot of
people consider spiritual issues to be for the drug smoking hippies - as
often shown on TV - you know the kind of stuff, they call it 'tree
huggers' and all sorts of disparaging things.
Self development,
like spiritual stuff, is for the loonies and for those who are trying to
'find themselves' - and this scares the crap out of a lot of people who
consider themselves to be sane and healthy and their life is balanced and
normal and to all the world everything is perfect but on closer
examination, the cracks are really quite visible and some work is
seriously needed, yet as many live in denial of the very thing that could
well help them, they will knock and belittle anyone or anything that
- actually - might just help them heal on some level.
Spiritual self
development is a quest to find out 'who lives in my skin' and find a
way of liking who I find myself to be, NOT through ego but from my heart
and soul. The church has done its best to deny us many simple basic truths
about who and what we are on a spiritual level and in its journey as
sought to damn our should to eternal unrest, despite claims to the
contrary. manipulation and control are words that spring to mind
when speaking about most of the organised religions of the world.
Spirituality is
open, honest and has nothing to hide and that alone scares some. Freedom
is unacceptable to the church who works hard at keeping us all under
control.
Personally - I
believe if we all learned just a little bit about our soul journey, we
would live better lives and with more freedom in our soul. The Da
Vinci Code awoke a lot of people to some alternative versions of the truth
that had long been denied and while it was just a silly empty story, the
background message was a powerful and ambiguous message - thrown into a
story that would grab you quickly and propel you through these hidden
wisdoms without you even being aware. On completion, you -
kinda - would start asking questions and in that lies the brilliance of
the book and the film... it made you stop.
And think.
And start to ask
questions.
And that is good.
Keep on asking
and never stop and while you are at it, why not come to Hamilton Hall and
speak to me and we can share and chat and ... well... you know... get some
questions answered that are from the soul.
In Peace - John
New Year Blues
Feeling stressed -
depressed ?
The bills, the
relationship,
the same old 'stuff' ?
John McConnel
Stressless Training
Tel: 020 8904 0317
mob: 07985 658 921
www.stresslesstraining.co.uk
|
http://web-001.meo-team.com/
It is a web sex shop and
promotes itself with flashy e mails selling all sorts of sex toys and after
buying something that turned out to be absolute crap, they refused to refund
my money even though their publicity was massively in error for the product
that turned up at my door.
DO NOT TRUST THIS COMPANY
THEY ARE CON ARTISTS
There are a lot of documentaries out there.
The Burning Man has this URL:
You could buy them or better yet, I know Netflix has several that you
can rent.
I found 3 or 4,
Here's a way to view some tonight, online, right now!
There are a lot! 9,237 videos of Burning Man!
You Tube has 6,430 videos!
Or take a look at Current TV.
When you get there,
Just search for Burning Man, there are a bunch of categories!
Here's one for the Black Rock City Airport:
Finally:
During the event, I'm so happy to tell you,
there's a live broadcast on Current TV, as well as via the Burning
Man website:
I can't at the moment find the link to the live broadcast.
Ask me again, This summer, will ya?
Take a look, There's tons of photos!
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Robert Mugabe".
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of
"Robert Mugabe ?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better?
Tomorrow we'll do Jacob Zuma, George Bush, Tony Blair and maybe even your
old boyfriend.
Worlds Easiest Test
(Passing requires 4 correct
answers)1) How
long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the
Hundred Years War last?
*116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
*November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert
8) What color is a purple finch?
*Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.
What do you mean you
failed?
 |
|
An asteroid the size of up to six football grounds is to set
to blast past Earth close enough for anyone with a telescope to
watch in what could be a once-in-a-lifetime chance to analyse the
"space rocks".
It is hoped the asteroid will miss the planet by about 334,000
miles, taking it only just outside the Moon's orbit.
In space terms, the distance is not very big but experts have
assured everything is under control.
Scientists say
that seeing the asteroid, called 2007 TU24, sweep by is a rare
opportunity for amateur astronomers. Depending on visibility, they
should be able to see the rocky mass whistle past the planet.
Meanwhile, space experts are hoping to make detailed observations to
determine whether 2007 TU24 is a solid object or simply a loose pile
of space rubble.
It
could also provide scientists with data about how best to defend the
earth against asteroids in the future, although Nasa says this is
unlikely to happen anytime soon.
Don Yeomans of the Near-Earth Object Program Office, said: "This
will be the closest approach by a known asteroid of this size or
larger until 2027.
As its closest approach is about one-and-a-half times the distance
of Earth to the Moon, there is no reason for concern.
On
the contrary, Mother Nature is providing us an excellent opportunity
to perform scientific observations."
Asteroid 2007 TU24 was discovered on October 11 last year by the
Nasa-sponsored Catalina Sky Survey.
It
should be visible today through modest-sized telescopes with
apertures of at least 7.6cm, but will quickly become fainter as it
moves away from the Earth.
|
She couldn't wait to spend some of that 25 million
quid, could she...
Okay, it's not exactly Mitt Romney's cure, but if the headline were
to read "Mark E. Peterson's Cure for Masturbation," it
just wouldn't have the same snap to it. However, the document soon to be
under discussion was written by the late Mr. Peterson, who was a member
of the Mormon church's important-sounding "Council of the 12 Apostles,"
and I believe that Mitt Romney, being the good Mormon that he is, would
roundly endorse the conclusions of said document.
The
document in question was written in 1972 and is titled
Steps in Overcoming Masturbation.
It is apparently the position of the Mormon church that masturbation is
a bad thing, a disease that can and must be cured. This document is the
key to that cure.
Now to be fair, the Mormon church is probably not
that much different than other religions, most of which decree that if
something feels good, it's immoral. If you're having way too much fun,
more than likely you're sinning.
So here is what Mr. Peterson demands of
masturbating Mormons, along with my insightful running commentary:
1) "Never touch the intimate parts of your body
except during normal toilet processes."
Fair enough. I would go even further and say
that you should stay away from those intimate body parts even during
normal toilet processes (just to be safe).
2) "If you are associated with other persons having this same problem,
YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people
having the same weakness."
"Sorry, Bob, I can't be your friend anymore. I
know we've been friends for 20 years, but damn it, you're a masturbator.
I can't risk my immortal soul by hangin' with you. So take a hike."
3) "When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a
mirror."
I know what Mark means. When I look at my naked
self in the mirror, I can't help but get turned on by my balding head
and pot belly.
4) "When in bed, if that is where you have your
problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that
you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be
difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes."
Finally, some practical advice! I'm thinking a
giant rabbit costume would be perfect.
5) "In the field of psychotherapy there is a very
effective technique called aversion therapy...For example, if you are
tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and
eat several of them as you do the act."
That wouldn't work for me. I kinda like worms.
A tub full of Republicans might do the trick, though.
6) "In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed
frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep
condition can be broken."
That sounds just a tad too kinky to be very
effective.
7) "Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this
problem, for that will tend to keep [it] in your mind more than ever.
Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the
Missionaries."
But don't pray for the missionary position.
8) "Set up a reward system for your successes. It
does not have to be a big reward. A quarter in a receptacle each time
you overcome or reach a goal. Spend it on something which delights you."
Perhaps a delightful porno movie...
So that's about it. Actually, there's much more, but I'll let you
explore the document further on your own. I hope those of you afflicted
with this disease have found this helpful.
I'd like to stick around, but I have to go
masturbate. John
says: - It kinda makes you sad that so many people are so screwed up around sex
and masturbation when self enjoyment is the most gratifying sexual act you can
have and is a God Given Act to starve off boredom. ( ha ha ) Sex has been
so damned by si many for so long that most have no idea why they claim it to be
evil, and actually, there is no scripture that states sex is evil and must be
avoided... what it does say is love thy neighbour as thyself... so try
masturbating your neighbours sometime and see how you relations improve.
No more race riots. No more hassles. just a lot of smiles and smiles all round.
|
To:
The
Citizens of the United States of America
From:
Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
Dear Citizens of
America,
In
light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of
the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories
(except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded.
A questionnaire may be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium,
and check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by
the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
3. Using the same
twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no
such thing as US English. We will
let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-
checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and
the elimination of -ize.
-------------------
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for
shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.
--------------------
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the
greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They
are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it
did for them. American brands will be referred to as
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further
confusion.
---------------------
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having
one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of
nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you,
like they regularly thrash us.
---------------------
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.
--------------------
14. You must tell us who killed JFK.
It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition
of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God save the Queen. |
|
