Hi John: Thought you might like a little piece for your Blog.
During this lockdown I have been holed up with my partner of just over 3 years. We have lived together in my flat for the last 2 years.
I am 48 - he is 33 and while I never previously thought this about him, he has turned into one of those 'entitled' people who thinks the world owes him something.
During the lockdown where it was just the two of us in the flat because I wouldn't always do as he wanted - watch on one of the 3 TV's what he wanted - go to bed when he wanted - and because he decided he didn't like what I cooked any more and wanted to cook his own food and not even enough for two - just himself - and because he started treating me with disrespect and a patronosing attitude, it turned the whole lockdown into a nightmare.
I put up with it for ages.
I tried to make excuses for his bad attitude.
I gave a lot of latitude.
Until I had had enough.
I reached a point of no return and it happened. We eventually had a fight.
It was obvious that he didn't have a clue that his actions were irregular for a couple - where he offered nothing in order to make this work during a pandemic and where he seemed to be blaming me for everything. He stopped paying me rent to live in the flat and assumed I was also going to buy all the food - while we were both furloed and we were both on almost full wages - and when I spoke of this, you'd have thought krakatoa had just erupted.
He went bolistic, screaming around the house about all he has done for me - which when I asked what - exactly - since the lockdown he had done for me or even us as a couple - he ranted - out of control ranted - screaming about nothing at all and I had to take a step back and wonder if his mental health was suffering to act and react in such a violent and unpredictable manner.
I have done nothing to desrve this. I have been totally sympathetic through him being unemployed a year ago and with his 'family problems' - ( his father is homophobic and he only speaks to his Mother on the phone when she phoned once a month when the Father was out ) and as I told him, none of that is my doing.
Still he screamed.
It was obvious that something was very wrong and yet under lockdown, where does one turn for help.
Did I mention he is an alcoholic as well - a functioning alcoholic - and after a week in lockdown we ran out of my booze supplies so I didn't bother to replace, as I rarely drink anyway. He had to start buying his own and would go through so much - costing him a great deal of money, and he actually told me off for making him spend his own money on his own wine to go down his own throat and where I don't even touch the stuff.
( Did your jaw just drop open John ? I think that was my turning point. )
He screamed that he was entitled to being looked after by me and I did point out that if that's how he felt then go home to his Mother and Father as I was not his guardian or his Mother and he was a grown man and should look after himself and WTF did he expect me to do that he couldn't do for himself.
Well that was it John. He totally lost it. Screaming for all to hear - Demanded I apologise for which I adamantly refused and told him I stood 100% behind every word and comment I made - and when he came for me - and where I thought he was going to attack me, I called the police from the bathroom and even the 999 operator said she could hear him screaming in the background about wanting to kill me.
And all this time I am asking myself WTF did I do - or say - or act - that was so horrible, so awful, that he could react towards me in this manner, as it was totally - over the period of the last 3 months in lockdown, out of normal.
The police arrested him ( took him to the station until he cooled down ) and I assume something happened in the police station as they held him in over night and then released him in the morning.
By the time he returned - he annonced he was moving out and that he had another boyfriend he was moving in with - in the middle of lockdown - and I was very hurt that all this was because he had another lover and was desperately trying to get me to throw him out so he could tell everyone he was the victim and how awfulI I was, and this simply was not the case.
Mind you, I had already packed all his things up as I am NOT about to put up with this kind of behaviour, even if caused through mental health, and when he noticed his stuff missing, I told him it was all in the basement of the apartment building in our lock-up and that he was not welcome here any more.
Fuck John - it was hard as I loved and cared but was not prepared to tollerate this any longer. When you put yourself out for someone time and time again and then get abuse in return and you get ' 'What have you ever done for me ' screamed at you - then you really do feel like strangling the ungrateful little cunt.
I appreciate there must be something wrong. I appreciate the booze does not help. I appreciate he probably needs to get some therapy and probably needs to reflect his stuff in a mirror back at himself as his self loathing - which he would deny, is creating a destructive path fprwards for him and one , sadly, I wanted out of.
Yes I am still angry as it has only been a few days - I had the locks changed - I park my car in a different place - I make sure all windows are locked as his insane behaviour - I cannot trust him now.
He has vanished and I have not heard. His stuff is still in the basement and he cannot get it unless I let him in - and as far as I know, he is with his new boyfriend - probably bad mouthing about how cruel I was and not taking any of the responsibility for his actions at all.
I am hurt. I am dismade. Lockdown together could have actually been quite fun as he loves telly as much as I do but ... not when he constantly argues about everything all the time.
It has helped writing this John and reflectying backl - as I doubt myself a lot and wonder if I made a mistake but on writing, no I fucking didn't.
I will keep you posted John
( Permission granted to use this on the blog )
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Hi John: A week before the Covid exploded onto the scene I had a bit of trade from Berlin visit. We met through a sex site and he came for sex and stayed 2 nights with me and then went off to London to have some fun for the rest of the week and home at the end of the week. However - I got a call from him saying he could not get home because the lockdown happened and he was oblivious and he had nowhere to stray. So he came and stayed with me again. He was with me for 9 weeks before he meanaged to get himself home and we had such a laugh and I have to say, my german is much better and - I have to say, his oral skills around some English Sausage imprioved no end.
It was lucky we got on outside of sex and feel I met a friend for life and the lockdown cemented our friendship.
Brian. ( Crawley )
community living for men
John: My wife and I had a baby boy born in the middle of thelockdown and it was very hard and lonely for us both all through as familty could not visit and even at the birth I had to stand and watch through a glass wall and it was 3 weeks before I was able to hold and bond with my son.
My wife has been amazing through it all, a little scatty but that is her.
MY gay lifestyle came to a halt and those afternoons or evenings I would escape for a while stopped, and it brought me closer to my family.
All in all John, it has not been bad and I am sure I will be back at Ham Hall by the end of the year. Matthew.
It's been a struggle John. Council flat. 10th floor. Bad neighbours playing loud music all day and all night. No use saying anything as they are homophobic and know I am trans. I think they suspect but I am a convincing man now so, maybe they don't.
I have kept my head down and need to ask the council about moving some place else soon.
Enjoyed loads of telly on my own and become a bit of a recluse. Looking forward to coming down again and while it has been a couple of years, I have never forgotten the kindness and thoughtful approach offered at your establishment.
Enjoying a gay lifestyle occasionally helped keep me sane. Closed up with no availability has been hard. I have been completely immersed in family and no escape. Am I being selfish and am I wanting to have my cake and eat it. Family do not know of my gay side. Grandkids tease and say I am ' so gay' but not the meaning we use that word for. At 68 i only really discovered my gay side ten years ago and have kept it hidden. Now really look forward to anothger coffee morning at Hamilton hall to be able to see soem nakes men for a change.
Very late nights watching youtube videos. Lazy mornings getting up around midday. Mooching around all day a bit aimless. Nothing to excite. Nothing except Britains Got Talent to look forward to and that stopped in the middle of the season. I miss church on a Sunday and singing in the choir. Don't miss my X Wife who was always around nagging for something for the kids all of whom have families of their own so I owe them nothing financial any more thankyou. This has been a turning point in my realisation that I am free and able to say and do and be whatever I want and if family and friends don't like it, then tough. I have always been the backbone of the family and when I needed help, no one and nothing was forthcoming so after all this, the lot of them are on their own. No more financiual handouts. No more big cash presents. No new car. No more Bank of Colin and any resentment, any nastiness that follows, and I know it will, will strengthen my resolve that NO MORE MONEY - this period has woken me up to how I have been screwed by my X wife for decades and now it is over. I have been far to nice and generous and when I need something, anything, nothing was forthcoming except attitude. So if they want to see attitude, they will. I am changed . I am re born from all this. Stronger and more resolved to live an out gay lifestyle and the ones that don't like it can stuff it. I was always the breadwinner, always the one paying as I am wealthy, and from now on, it stops.
It helps writing this to you John, cannot believe how cathartic it is to type it out and press send to someone. It's like a period at the end of a sentence or THE END at the end of a film.
A new beginning awaitens.
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