We all know why some men are so fucked up.
Lack of a sex life.
Resentment and envy, jealousy and hatred is them aimed at those who are perceived to be enjoying a healthy sex life by those who are not.
From boys to old age men, sex plays an important part in the make up of many men - while seemingly being less important for women.
However - if a women is a Mother - then she is knackered each day raising a baby with breast feeding every hour ( a girlfriend locally is giving between 18 and 21 feeds a day - every day - since her baby was born a month ago ) and expecting her to be horny and up for it - like us men often are - is plainly dumb stupid - SHE IS KNACKERED, HER NIPPLES ARE SORE - HER BREASTS SWOLLEN WITH MILK and she is still healing ' down there' from pushing a bowling ball through her vagina.
If we men had to carry a baby growing within us - and if we men had to put up with morning sickness every day, and if we men had to sqeeze that monster out of such a small hole, and if we men then had to stay home and be ' on call' for hourly feeds and if we men had to do this as women do - the population would drop dramatically and you would never hear the end of the moaning...
'Oh what a day I've had today - you just don't understand.'
Men can be such wimps when it comes to being unwell and while it is true that women can and do withstand so much more physical and emotional pain and angst than men ever do, men belittle women over this and assume we are the strong ones, when we really are not.
Men are the babies.
Men are the children.
Men never stop daydreaming of fantasy things
Women daydream of realistic things for the family.
Emotional abuse is not restricted to men abusing women, but often women abusing men.
There is so much anger about currently because of the lockdown and where millions have not managed to have a sex life at all, and this causes much emotional and physical distress for many men who are such babies as they are unable to control their passion and just ' let it be ' and because some men cannot control themselves, sexual abuse, rape and all sorts of dysfunctional things can and do occur. If sex was more freely available then maybe, those angry men, wouldn't be so angry.
Frustration causes the mind to go hay wire.
My dog. She's a 12 year old Weimeraner. She is obsessed - absolutely obsessed - with finding food.
The world could end while she is ' on the hunt' whether out or in the house as she hunts for the bisciits and bones hidden by the other dog, and you can shout and sream at her and she is completely oblivious. Her sole consciousness is concentrating on food, and is you slap her to get her attention, the look on her face - as she clearly has not heard a word you have said / shouted / sometimes SCREAMED at her - as she is in ' the zone' - where anything and everything is null and void - it's all about food.
Some men are like that - blind, deaf and dumb to anything that is going on around them and they just want sex... and I find it all so boring.
Emtional and physically, men are cripples. We are disabled. We are morons unable to be run by our head and not our dick. Hours looking 'on line' for a shag and then often end up with nothing. Hours wasted in bars and sex clubs to end up unsatisfied and frustrated. A life ruined because some cannot see beyond - cannot see what else is out there and cannot see that while sex is great, it really is not the beginning and the end of the world and is just a part of something much bigger.
There is also too much negative attitude surrounding sex. Too much BS about how it is wrong, dirty, kinky, evil, and only whores enjoy it...
Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.
As a sex worker for 15 years full time and where I have enjoyed the company of tens of thousands of men sexually, I never got bored with it - never got tired of it - and it was only when I retired and came to Hamilton Hall and then had almost no sex life at all for the next 18 years, I realised how easy it was to go without - as long as you get your head in gear around that decision.
Women who play games with sex with their partners, do so at their own risk.
Allowing sex only if and when she gets a new dress or the kids get new shoes for school or only after he has been extra nice to her, is an appalling abuse and one where the man is blamed when he explodes one day but where the women is also to blame - as she is a part of this relationship, and she is a part of this relationships sexuality, and if she wants and demands he remain faithful or she will take the house and kids, the car and everything - then she has to be aware of HER input into the relationship and if she turns away and refuses sex, then she has changed the contract - and she is responsible.
Just like on Judge Judy, it is all about contract.
Men need to learn control, but women need also to learn about sex and stop metering it out as a reward for good behaviour.
IT'S PATRONISING AND BELITTLING.
Over the years the only time we have had any problem with guests at Hamilton hall was when they assumed they would be getting loads of sex here and when they do not, they complain to me as if it is all my fault.
I will often speak gently to them about how there just isn't the right person staying at the moment and that is no ones fault, it is life - it is how the universe is - and to ' get over it.'
But some cannot and some turn nasty and complain - they actually complain that no one wanted sex with them... and after trying to be nice - after trying to paccify - after trying to reason with them and after trying to be gentle, if they still are complaining, I will change tactic and read the fucking riot act at them about not exactly putting their best foot forward, how they may need to diet, wash a little more often, shave, pluck and trim, and NOT be so expectant . Why is it the ones who complain are always the last person on earth many of us would want to have sex with anyway, so who is responsible here.
The man who makes no effort at all to look attractive and sexy - or the man who turns away and says 'No thanks mate - not my type.'
Sex is a very personal thing and to each - how own. These days if you go ' on line' you will find a group - an app - especially geared at what you are looking for - be it leather, twinks - Muscle Mary's - Black. Oriental - Bare Back - Fisting - and you do not need explain yourself as all these groups specialize and that makes life so much easier than picking up a random shag in a bar.
40 years ago it was not so easy.
We did have bars and clubs, and if you go back further - other than the occasional Gentlemens Bar - there was nothing - so be thankful for what we have today.
Mind you, some are just too mean to pay for these sites and then have an empty profile and wonder why they do not score when it would help to at least put a picture on line.
Sex keeps a man happy. Mind, body and soul.
Woman - are often raised to use sex as a weapon of control.
When I recently met a huge hunk of a man, covered in tattoes, a really big butch man, who was bisexual and came to Hammy Hall as he was the victim of Domestic Violence - from his wife - and he felt he just had to escape so came here. He left his home, job and everything and he was ashamed.
I pointed out that I had been the victim of domestic abuse and that there was nothing to be ashamed of - nothing to hide - and he relaxed a little and opened up.
I pointed out that this was the hidden abuse where many men whose wives abuse do not like talking about it as it - somehow - belittles their manhood - where the wife bullies. The old adage of ' Keep her happy in the bedroom and you'll keep her happy elsewhere'- is not always true. For whatever reason, many women are brought up to use sex as a weapon - a bargaining tool to get what they want - and his wofe abused him deepely and you could see it was deep within him and she was crushing his very soul. I never met her - and didn't need to, I could see the pain and anguish within him and it was so sad. Such a powerful man brought down by a women.
Emotionally many women play games.
Men are less emotional and when caught up in abusive love, it is harder for men to get over - and when women say the abuse comes from men, sure sometimes it does but do NOT live under the misconception that women are innocent - as many women are just as abusive, maybe less physically but certainly what brings a lot of men down, is emotional abuse.
A man in Dorset some decades ago killed his wife with a frying pan and explained how he loved her dearly but was a women who - like a dog with a bone - would not let things go, and went on and on and on and on until he just reacted and reached for anything nearby to shut her up... and the frying pan to the back of the head certainly gave him peace, and within a split second realised what he had done and called 999 and handed himself in... Victim of Domestic abuse - by the women, but that had the reverse affect of what she thought - as she was dead.
Not a good outcome, but after decades of this kind of abuse, he had just reached his limit and re acted.
From experience with my own Mother, she could make the angels cry - as she would go on and on and on until you racted and she got what she wanted, - attention - and it drove the family nuts. It was all attention seeking - all about her - and nothing you said or did would change her. Everything - absolutely everything - was about her in one way or another - and it is sad when you realise as her child, you were nothing more than a prop in her drama - and I would dearly love to meet my Father and Step Father today ( long dead ) and apologise - and ask HTF they managed not to use a frying pan ? Bad as that sounds, no wonder some people harm others, when an emotional breakdown just envelops and you just want SHUT THE FUCK UP.....
No wonder there are so many gun deaths in the USA.
We have all been in abusive relationships.
And some times, we were the ones being abused.
Relationships are never easy, but emotional abuse - from men or women, is bullying - is a bad thing - and dragging anyone down so you feel better about yourself just says you are a cunt. A fucked up cunt.
My own Mother - something happened in her childhood that made her that way as her sister was not - she was very different. We will never know - we will never understand and we will never get why anyone would abuse their partner who they love - and the guest that came here to escape his domestic abuse at home, left looking for a new flat to rent and I did remind him that we are here, we understand, he can come and chat any time and ' off load' if he needs to - in total discretion - and that sometimes just having a sympathetic ear - from someone who understands - helps a great deal. Just someone who knows what you are going through with no judgements - helps enormously.
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John. I was in an abusive relationship for ten years. My boyfriend came from an abusive backround as a child. He was Bi Polar and his moodswings awful and unpredictable. He would lash out at me - verbally and physically, and it took me a long time to muster the strength to stop being so 'understanding' and ' sympathetic' to his background - and eventually hit back one day and it absolutely floored him. Not literally - but the fact I had hit him - astounded him - absolutely shook the very core of his world. He was so adamant that I was the abuser and even after telling him I was fed up with being abused by him for years and years and had MANY stories to relate where I ignored, turned away, walked away, said nothing - and went to work with a black eye or sore ribs - and this also floored him. He was complately astounded - saying I was making it all up - it never happened - how could I be so cruel and how could I say such horrid things about him. He was completely in denial and was only after mutual friends and family members came to my aid - helped me pack and leave and where he was there - and our friends stated loud and clear for him to comprehend, that this was ALL his doing as they had witnessed the abuse and always wondered why I took it , and STILL he refused to hear a word that was said. Total denial.
Took me a long time to get over this and my new boyfriend today is loving and kind and there is absolutely no abuse between us, and we talk everything over as adults do.
The X abuser - met vhis match. He also found a new botyfriend and withion a few months was displaying a nice shiner to his right eye and when asked, it seemed the new boyfriend was not about to take abuse from him or anyone and the very first time it happened where he was violently hit - he hit back - well and truly - and it will be hoped he learned his lesson. I doubt it though., He was completely in denial and everything was my fault.
It still smarts even today and it has been 15 years since we split, but the damage is done. He fucked with my very being.
My wife is an alcoholic. She seemed fine for the first 6 months of our marriage. Then it changed and I saw the real her. She was drunk almost every afternoon while I was at work and unconscious on the bed for hours. Only during this recent lockdown did it become clear to me there was a major problem here as I was home every day and she could not hide her drinking from me - and when I spoke up, she just wacked me hard - and continued while I was in shock - and eventually grabbed her hands and shoved her backwards onto the coluch - screamed at her to stop... and believe me John, it took a while as for the first time I had ever seen, she was out of control. Absolutely out of control.
I left. Went to a friends. Spent the rest of the week there and when I returned she had rampaged through our home destroying everything that was mine.
I left and have never returned and while this is all new to me, your article helped me understand that I am not weak, I am not the cause and I am not responsible and most of all, I DO NOT HAVE TO TOLLERATE IT.
I love her dearly, but it is not what I signed up for, is not what I want withina relationship and is not fair on anyone to be so volatile and abusive when all anyone is doing is trying to help.
I am deeply ssadened for her as she is her own worst enemy and where I now realise I am not strong enough to put up with it. So she is alone and divorce proceedings are taking place. I am a very placid man, and cannot have screaming hissy fits in my head all the time.
Is it the same in the gay world ?