I had a melt down this week.
Screamed and ranted at some women in the park when walking our dogs .
All about dog leads.
Went off on one. Like a fucking mad thing.
Couldn't let it go.
Somewhere inside a voice was shouting at me to 'SHUT THE FUCK UP''
but there was something else driving me onwards
and I was a bully
and no one regrets it more than me
I am ashamed.
It was as if I was standing a couple of inches behind myself observing this mad thing going for it and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
I had this a few times decades ago when in extreme hear in Nebraska - and again in Las Vegas - and with my body chemistry running out of control and me getting hot and sweaty and then freezing cold all within an hour, it's time to sort this out - so amgetting blood tests this week to figiure out what is wrong as clearly, solmehting is affecting my mood swings so dramatically.
This is the second time in my life I realised I was not as emotionally strong as I thought I was.
Carrying so many - being responsible - especially during these Covid Days - when I have not been able to process my own emotions , fears and worries because I have been surrounded and trying to support others going through their stuff and it seems there are few here for me.
I always try and be so strong.
So wise. So together, but the truth is I am just winging it like everyone else.
I am drowning.
I'm doing this all alone.
This pandemic has not been good on many levels for so many and there are many worse stories than mine, and I have spent a lifetime trying to help people with theirs but there has rarely been anyone there helping me with mine.
Maybe there is more than I realise. Maybe I am being disingenuous - not paying attention to who and what has been offered to help - or maybe I am just blind to it. So set - so blocked - so in fear I cannot see clearly.
Over the last year or so I have also become aware that it is harder to concentrate on 'the job' as I worry about dementia - as it runs in my Mothers side of the family and it has always been a concern. Batty Betty - my Mother - so named because we always just thought her actions somewhat odd sometimes and when it got worse with age, we put it down to her being stubborn all the time - when the truth was she hated asking for help and so pushed us away and struggled - as her mental health degraded and no one really noticed for a long time. It was just Betty being Betty.
It took us all a long time to realise she had less control than we thought.
She was drowning and we didn't see it.
Too close perhaps - Too much family history perhaps - too close to see the problem ?
I am feeling the same. Maybe I have less ability than I think.
Maybe I am in more need of support than I would have ever thought possible.
Signing up for an Anger Managemnt Course on line - got me angry when all e mails to the company were returned as address unknown ... and me about to sign up my credit card details to a company who sends out the wrong e mail address on their confirmation e mails.
Supressing my anger has - and has had - a significant and detrimental impact on my health and that of others. It lowers my blood sugar levels and this is when I loose it - and is like I am standing a couple of inches away from myself observing as my mouth and physical body are ' going for it '; and I am screaming inside to stop. I am not saying this is posession or something / someone else 'taking over' as I take responsibility - yet there is something - something surreal and something I cannot figure what it is that wells up inside and takes over.
Everything frustrtates and angers and I know it is not the item or the object or even the person - it is me - myself and I - who has the problem and who needs to get back in step with who I want to be and to let my mantra of ' I am Peaceful, Calm and Loving at all Times, Mind, Body and Soul,' - to work - as it sure let me down the other day.
I always think of myself as a strong person - after all I have been through - and it makes me wonder how easy it is to loose it - to be in a place that is just not you - not how you feel, not what you think, not what you live, but something happens and like a high tension cable that snaps, your whole world can collapse over the simplist and most silly thing - yet at that moment - it is the end of the world.
We've all been there - maybe. Or maybe not.
This strange time is no excuse but is the excuse.
Fear grips the planet and we have witnessed some appalling behaviour ( besides mine ) and many seem to have suffered more than we can understand under the pandemic lockdown.
It seems to have affected the psyche of many and while I deeply regret - others seem oblivious and the world turns into a crazier place than it was 6 months ago.
Fear turns positive people into mad things.
Fear creates disharmony within and the vibration of your very being changes .
We see things differently and through different eyes and with different viewpoints and with very different answers - to things that would not often be a problem - or would be sorted easier and without the rant - but at that moment, that insane moment, fear rules the day and fear creates a space when - bad things happen.
As it did to me and the poor women in the park.
I sincerely hope I can find and apologise to her. This is not who I am. Clarly it is - at that fucked up moment in time - but is not who I want to be and not what I want to be and not a person I feel is a fit person at the moment to go on without seeking help.
Ad that is a hard one for me to admit, that I need help.
I have always been the strong one.
The one in charge.
In charge of my own destiny after being so badly let down in the past.
But anger has taken over.
I - somehow - have lost my way - lost my passion and lost my ideals I set myself - and I need to get back on track and back in touch and - back .
No more Grumpy Old Man..
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Dear John, Nice to speak to you again. I often think of you and have been wondering how things have been for you , especially during this covid thing.. I want to come down to see you and HH again but the last year was a very busy one for me and I did not fit a visit to HH in, I have no car at present and being in the vulnerable age group I am being cautious and trying to obey the rules. I will see about coming down in the autumn if possible.
Anyway, just to say - I do think of you and am pleased to hear you have sought medical help. You have helped so very many yourself over the years and you must now look after your own health with whatever help you need. I hope you have good help in the hotel and that your dog ( Missy's successor ) is also well. I hope to be able to see for myself later in the year, Take care . Tim
Dear John: So good to rad your Blog and after all the help you offer so many and so freely i sincerely hope things improve for you and the doc can help. I also et 'hot flashes' and my friends all tease so I understand what you are going through. You have my complete appreciation and understanding. Roger.