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After a public melt down, have I lost the plot - am I loosing my way ?

I had a melt down this week.

Screamed and ranted at some women in the park when walking our dogs .

All about dog leads.

Went off on one. Like a fucking mad thing.

Couldn't let it go.

Somewhere inside a voice was shouting at me to 'SHUT THE FUCK UP''

but there was something else driving me onwards

and downwards

and I was a bully

and no one regrets it more than me

I am ashamed.

It was as if I was standing a couple of inches behind myself observing this mad thing going for it and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I had this a few times decades ago when in extreme hear in Nebraska - and again in Las Vegas - and with my body chemistry running out of control and me getting hot and sweaty and then freezing cold all within an hour, it's time to sort this out - so amgetting blood tests this week to figiure out what is wrong as clearly, solmehting is affecting my mood swings so dramatically.

This is the second time in my life I realised I was not as emotionally strong as I thought I was.

Carrying so many - being responsible - especially during these Covid Days - when I have not been able to process my own emotions , fears and worries because I have been surrounded and trying to support others going through their stuff and it seems there are few here for me.

I always try and be so strong.

So wise. So together, but the truth is I am just winging it like everyone else.

I am drowning.

I'm doing this all alone.

This pandemic has not been good on many levels for so many and there are many worse stories than mine, and I have spent a lifetime trying to help people with theirs but there has rarely been anyone there helping me with mine.

Maybe there is more than I realise. Maybe I am being disingenuous - not paying attention to who and what has been offered to help - or maybe I am just blind to it. So set - so blocked - so in fear I cannot see clearly.


Over the last year or so I have also become aware that it is harder to concentrate on 'the job' as I worry about dementia - as it runs in my Mothers side of the family and it has always been a concern. Batty Betty - my Mother - so named because we always just thought her actions somewhat odd sometimes and when it got worse with age, we put it down to her being stubborn all the time - when the truth was she hated asking for help and so pushed us away and struggled - as her mental health degraded and no one really noticed for a long time. It was just Betty being Betty.

It took us all a long time to realise she had less control than we thought.

She was drowning and we didn't see it.

Too close perhaps - Too much family history perhaps - too close to see the problem ?

I am feeling the same. Maybe I have less ability than I think. Maybe I am in more need of support than I would have ever thought possible.

Signing up for an Anger Managemnt Course on line - got me angry when all e mails to the company were returned as address unknown ... and me about to sign up my credit card details to a company who sends out the wrong e mail address on their confirmation e mails.

Supressing my anger has - and has had - a significant and detrimental impact on my health and that of others. It lowers my blood sugar levels and this is when I loose it - and is like I am standing a couple of inches away from myself observing as my mouth and physical body are ' going for it '; and I am screaming inside to stop. I am not saying this is posession or something / someone else 'taking over' as I take responsibility - yet there is something - something surreal and something I cannot figure what it is that wells up inside and takes over.

Everything frustrtates and angers and I know it is not the item or the object or even the person - it is me - myself and I - who has the problem and who needs to get back in step with who I want to be and to let my mantra of ' I am Peaceful, Calm and Loving at all Times, Mind, Body and Soul,' - to work - as it sure let me down the other day.

I always think of myself as a strong person - after all I have been through - and it makes me wonder how easy it is to loose it - to be in a place that is just not you - not how you feel, not what you think, not what you live, but something happens and like a high tension cable that snaps, your whole world can collapse over the simplist and most silly thing - yet at that moment - it is the end of the world.

We've all been there - maybe. Or maybe not.