Mother to her gay son - '
I cried more over you being gay, than had you died.'
These words were shared between a friend of mine and his Mother many years ago after his brothers got his parents talking to him again after a 5 year gap as she had disowned him. Her own son - for being gay.
She was Catholic.
What she was more concerned about was her standing in the family, in the Spannish community ( she is Spannish ) and how she wanted to brag to everyone about all the grandchildren she had whereas this was not going to be with this son. She has plenty of grand kids by her other 2 sons, no problem there, but being a drama queen, his Mother loved having something to throw herself on the floor and stamp and beat her fists into the carpet screaming ' If only you knew what I have to go through.' - and this kind of self centred, thoughtless, unloving and unenlightened behaviour creates and fosters extreme emotions within a son or daughter when a parent so denies their existance simply because they may be LGBTQ.
In his case he says he had to realise that his parents, especially his Mother, was ignorant and that she would probably never learn, never grow and never realise the harm - the emotional harm, she did that day to her son. One quick sentense destroys everything you ever thought your Mother felt about you growing up and how it was ALL conditional on you giving her what she wanted - grand kids.
The thought of his happiness never came into the equasion.
If my mother had said that to me ( which she never would as my Mother was very LGBT friendly ) I would have responded
' What I put in my mouth or up my bum - and where I choose to stick my dick - and who I care to love and adore, is none of your fucking business. '
Years later- when he had a broken heart after a long relationship ended, she cared not to hear a single word. When one of his brother left his wife and abandoned her and the children - and having stopped paying the mortgage and car payments so they were soon to be homeless - to go off with a much younger women, to Mother, that was fine as it was straight. My friend and his other brother helped the sister-in-law and financially helped pay the mortgage and the car and saved her being evicted - and her attitude towards this was disgraceful. She still suppotrted the son who had walked out on his wife and kids, welcoming his new girlfriend as if nothing was irregular or disgraceful - yet would not hear a word about a her gay sons extreme breakdown over his broken heart.
My friend is one of the most balanced people I know and it seems, at least on the surface, not to have done him much harm, but for many, this kind of parental denial can be devestating. Parents do not realise the harm they do, in all sorts of ways, when their allow their bigoted and iognorant attitudes to come between them and their childrens choices in life and they forget, they do not live their childs life and as my Mother personally loved the gay scene and welcomed all my gay friends and loved them all, I have always been aware how blessed I was to have her as a Mother.
Over the years I have heard many heart breaking stories such as this and many deeply disturbed reactions from parents and sometimes wives to their 'coming out' gay husbands, and it so saddens.
What I do sexually is no one elses business.
It is not the business of govbernment.
My employer ( not that I have one )
and especially the church.
How I live my life, as long as it is as a decent human being, a kind and thoughtful human being, a loving human being, then that should be enough.
If it is not, then fuck off.
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John: When I was in my 40's and my Mother was in her 60's - and after decades of hiding my sexuality and making all sorts of excuses about girlfriends etc. she eventually told me one day - quite out of the blue and all matter of fact, that she knew I prefered men to ladies ( as she put it ) and she actually said - 'To use an old expression dear that was innocent in my day but means something very different in these modern times, I always knew you were a batchelor gay.'
I nearly fell off my seat... and flustered around and she stopped me saying how she had always known, ever since I was a little boy, and had respected my privacy. She reminded me of old school friends I would bring home for tea and how they were always boys and never a girl, how at college I brought male friends round to study and studying to become a hair dresser, she said that was the biggest laugh for her as that was a bit of a giveaway - and she laughed - as we both did, and we have been so much closer and share such a laugh over it and gay things ever since. Lucky. I know I am very lucky.
John: I was thrown out as a 16 year old biy when my Father found a copy of Gay Times under my bed. He beat the crap out of me and threw me out the house. Mother was all upset and crying but was bullied by my Dad and afraid of him. I went to my Aunts' who worked at the local theatre and knew many thesbians - and I did explain to her, through the tears - and she was wonderful. I stayed with her until I was in my early 20's and moved to London - and Mother would secretly come round to see me and Father never did get over it. He saw it as his fault. Stupid man, and died of a temper tantrum when a black nurse wanted to give him a bed bath when he was hospitalised - and had a heart attack, so his bigotry was the death of him. Mother was re born after that. Still in her 50's after Dad died, she really blossomed and met my gay friends, went on to work in the local gay bar and absolutely lover her life now the bully bigot was gone. She said the gay men were not a threat - and paid her loads of good attention which she had never had from Dad and she loved it.
( edited from much longer e mail )
John: I bought my parents the film 'PRIDE' a few years ago for a Christmas present and before they opened it ( I was not there I was at my home miles away ) I had informed them that this film meant a lot to me and I hoped they would enjoy it. Boxing Day the phone rang. It was Mother. She said she had already seen the film and knew I was 'that way' so what was my point.
That was when I started crying. Both of them had known for a long time. David B.
John: I was hospitalised after my Father almost killed me when I came out to my parents. I stupidly thought this football loving beer swilling man would be more sympathetic, how wrong I was. I never went home and never saw my parents again. They died in a car crash together many years later and I found out through Facebook.
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