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abandoned by his family

By Christopher F.

Dear John: Am I wrong in not telling my partners family he had died ?
My partner had been estranged from his family for as long as I had know him, as they always disaproved of his lifestyle as a gay man and he withdrew from them because of the Christian abuse they would constantly throw at him, and he wasn't having it.

For 15 years we saw or heard nothing from them at all and it was only a couple of years ago that an aunt and a sister tried getting back in touch but he was adamant, he wanted nothing at all to do with them and he stated many times how they were dead to him.

He claimed he was abused from early teenage years onwards as he was obviously gay as a child and they didn't like it, and told the whole family, aunts, uncles, local and distant, how God and Jesus must hate them for their gay son and they never let him forget it.

During one traumatic Christmas where he considered their abuse had gone to far - and where the whole family at the Christmas dinner table would not let him sit with them for fear God was watching - he packed an overnight bag and left there and then and never went back.

He was 18 years of age.

At Christmas - he was homeless.

He spoke to the women at the family tailors where he was a trainee and she was wonderful, offering him somewhere to stay until something long term could be figured out and he ended up living there for over 2 years and it was a perfect relationship for all concerned. They had a couple of spare rooms in their house and he paid his rent, did his work, finnished his training and soon became manager of one of their out of town stores, and it came with an apartment over as well.

He was totally accepted for his sexuality and it was never seen as a problem and in fact, they helped him come to terms with the loss of his family and helped him understand how they were blinded by their religioous fervour and blinded to the realities of life because of religious blindness and that, he should feel sorry for them as ignorant fools who had lost the best person in the family. Him.

No thanks to his parents and family - he moved on and did well.

Anyway. Zip forward 15 years or so, where we met, fell in love, and moved into an apartent together and bought it between us. He still worked at the tailor and had a brilliant relationship with all the staff and managemnent and customers and was always seen as a very popular man.

He was greatly liked.

So when he died this year of Covid after spending 3 months in hospital and where - originally - we thought he was getting better, he always told me NOT to tell his family if anything happened to him as he was dead to them anyway, so no use telling them if and when anything happened, and I stayed true to my promise. I also never brought them up in conversation.

My family and his work mates were superb, supportive, helped pay for the funeral and so much more at a time when I needed help.

Some time larter, quite by surprise , a random phone call from his sister - which took me by complete surprise, and I had to ask what she wanted. She was rude and told me to mind my own business as she wanted to talk to her brother - and as I pointed out -

'The brother you adandoned 15 years ago and not a word, not a birthday or christmas card, not a single word in 15 years and suddenly now this ! '

It seemed his Father - who was the worst of the bigots according to him and the one who called him a 'fucking little faggot' - was ill in hospital with cancer - and after saying I was sorry to hear this, explained how her brother had died some months previously from Covid and that he had left strict instructions not to inform anyone from his family for as far as he was concerned, he had no family - they were all dead to him. I explained that he had his own family and how we had married and my parents had totally taken him to their hearts and all my 6 brothers and sisters had all accepted our relationship and with open arms, welcomed him into the family. and she exploded.

Not with grief. Not with sadness.

Not with Godly clap trap or anything else, but with rage that everything he had achieved and owned was not left to her in his will - and I was astounded - open mouthed with anger, that the first words out of her mouth was for money and not sorrow for her brothers loss.

I kept calm and simp'y pointed out that in 15 years the family had offered no contact, no support and no interest, so why on God's Earth should he show an ounce of concern, support and interest in anything they did - as to him, they had all died 15 years ago and that - as I pointed out firmly - included her - the very person who was calling - and when she exploded again, I reminded her how Unenlightened - how Ungodly and how UnChristian their actions had been and how the God that drove them apart because of their strict Christian beliefs, had driven their son / brother away from the family as the hate, the vehement annimosity and the abuse displayed to the person she now expected to come running because the Father was ill, was always of no interest to him as he had buried the family years ago.

She started going off on one again screaming down the phone and I just hung up.

She kept ringing back and she kept for the next hour trying to engage me in heated debate and arguing and I was not having any of it. I stipulated every time that he had died of Covid and was buried etc. and that if the family ever wanted to show a Christian bone in their body, they could go to his grave and apologise to his memory, his spirit, his angel, and ask God for forgiveness and maybe God might look kindly on them, or judge them when each of them dies - and this absolutely shut her up - probably with fear of her actions being seen and judged by God, and I once again hung up and left it at that.

I have no idea if they attended his grave and I heard nothing about the father dying untilI saw it in the local paper - not that I was looking - and it was announced they were to have a private ceremony which I was everso tempted to turn up to but chose not to start a riot but instead, sent a wonderful ( and the biggest ) boquet of flowers to the Fathers funeral with a card stating

' From your gay son. The one you disowned and who beat you to the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Time for YOU to be judged.'

This was a reminder that even as a gay man, he was going to Heaven as contrary to what they had screamed at him decades beforehand about God not wanting him in heaven and how he would go to Hell, this was a discrete dig about how he was already in Heaven ahead of his Father - or as he called him ' The man whose spunk made a baby ' - as he did not consider either of his parents to be just that - parents - as turning on your son because for being gay, to him, meant they were unwoirthy to be called his parents and unworthy of any respect, love or compassion as long as they withheld every decent thing a parent should offer a son, whether gay or not... UNCONDITIONAL LOVE - not the conditional clap trap the Bible and it's followers throw at others whoes life journey is different to theirs.

I heard some time later from their family lawyer demanding - yes - DEMANDING - title deeds to his property and posessions and under instruction from my lawyer, ignored it and my lawyer answered asking what they thought - and why - of his posessions - did they think belonged to them now he had died.

Naturally, they got nothing at all and even though they tried taking it to court, got nowhere at all as his will was iron vcast and strictly stated not one penny was to go to his family... and they withdrew with their tails between their legs proving that all they were interested in was his money.

These are Christian people. These are people Jesus would be ashamed of - absolutely ashamed of using His name to cast bigoted rascist views to anyone and everyone, even their own child, and this bigoted attitude just disgusts.

So now it is over and I do not expect to hear from these Christian heathens again.

Christopher F.


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