top of page

I suppose you think that's funny ?

“I had a survey done on my house. Eight out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.”Jimmy Carr

“Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…” – Milton Jones

“One in four frogs is a leap frog.” – Chris Turner

“‘Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.’ ‘Was it something I said?’ asks the son. ‘Yes.’” – Damien Slash

“I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.” – Jordan Brookes

“I’m going to donate my body to science, and keep my Dad happy – he always wanted me to go to medical school.” – Lee Mack

“A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food in here.’” – Peter Kay

“I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times.” – Felicity Ward

“I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.” – Steven Wright

“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.” – Tim Vine

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re relentless.” – Mitch Hedberg

“I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.’” – Tim Vine

“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.'” – Alan Carr

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin

“I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.” – Tommy Cooper

“My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.” – Milton Jones

“So I’m at the Wailing Wall, standing there, like a moron, with my harpoon.” – Emo Philips

“A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.” – Rich Hall

“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert

“My Dad always knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said, ‘Is this a joke?’” – Ken Dodd

“I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.’” – Tim Vine

“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.” – Milton Jones

“I moved to a well-to-do area. I know it’s well-to-do because I said to my husband ‘it’s chilly in here’, and he said ‘shall we turn the floor up’?” – Sarah Millican

“Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.” – Tommy Cooper

“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” – Iain Stirling

“I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.” – Ken Dodd

“I like to go into The Body Shop and shout out really loud, ‘I’ve already got one!’” – Jimmy Carr

“I got recognised today in Dixons. A member of staff came up to me and said ‘hey you’re that mad bloke off the telly’. I went ‘that’s me’, and he went ‘no, you’re that mad bloke… off the telly!’” – Lee Mack

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.” – Tim Vine

“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” – Paul F Taylor

“A man walked into the doctor’s. He said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places.’ The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there any more.'” – Tommy Cooper

“If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” – Ian Smith

“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning… that can keep me awake for days.” – Billy Connolly

“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” – Tom Ward

“Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.” – Tom Parry

“My great uncle Arthur died at the Battle of the

Little Bighorn. But he wasn’t involved in the fighting. He was camping in a nearby field and popped over to complain about the noise.” – Rob Brydon

“So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought, ‘That’s a turtle disaster.’” – Peter Kay

“I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day.” – Aatif Nawaz

“My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.” – Nick Hall

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“I got a great review this morning. Prompt and efficient payer. eBay.” – Lee Mack

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” – Gary Delaney

“You give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But you teach a man to fish – saved yourself a fish haven’t you?” – Lee Mack

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine

“My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round.” – Sarah Millican

“When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.” – Jimmy Carr

“I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny. I live by the seaside.” – Ken Dodd

“You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.'” – Jerry Seinfeld

“I was not a particularly small child. I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school play.” – Jo Brand

“I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.” – Spike Milligan

“The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much!’” – Andrew Bird

“I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” – Nick Helm

“A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Hope, no Cash and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die!” – Bill Murray

“A man walks into a chemist’s and says: ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’ The chemist says: ‘Do you want it scented?’ And the man says: ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.” – Ronnie Barker

“Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open.” – Paul F. Taylor

“People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” – Abi Roberts

“I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she’d rather have it in a cup.” – Eric Morecambe

“My granddad always said ‘never judge a book by its cover’. And it’s for that reason that he lost his job as chair of the British Book Cover Awards panel. See? I can write jokes – I just choose not to.” – Stewart Lee

“ – there’s a site for sore eyes.” – Tim Vine

“Exit signs? They’re on the way out!” – Tim Vine

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” – Stewart Francis

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” – Alun Cochrane

“My Dad used to say ‘fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.” – Harry Hill

“The guy who invented the wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three? He was the genius.” – Sid Caesar

Went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles. She said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads.” – Mark Simmons

“What’s Postman Pat called on his holiday? Pat.” – Aisling Bea

“I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password.” – Rory O’Keeffe

“Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him.” – Carey Marx

“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” – Matt Kirshen

“Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on.” – Billy Connolly

“I like the Ten Commandments, but there’s a problem with the ninth one. It should be: ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s ox – except in Scrabble.” – David O’Doherty

“How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?” – Ross Noble

“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.” – Paddy Lennoxess.” – Milton Jones

“Why on earth do people say things like ‘my eyes aren’t what they used to be.’ So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?” – Billy Connolly

“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe

“I don’t trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say ‘press’, but if you press those badges they just fall over all surprised.” – Milton Jones

“Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door.” – Bill Bailey

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already!” – Dave Barry

“It’s sad day when your child looks up at you and asks: ‘Daddy, is this organic?’ Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight! We didn’t have anything in the house if it wasn’t neon!” – Dylan Moran

“Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It’s all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick.” – Andrew Lawrence

Well good to see someone has read down to the bottom of the page and discovered this young man BLOG HOME PAGE giggling at the jokes...
Featured Posts
Check back soon
Once posts are published, you’ll see them here.
Recent Posts
Search By Tags
No tags yet.
Follow Us
  • Facebook Basic Square
  • Twitter Basic Square
  • Google+ Basic Square
bottom of page