I suppose you think that's funny ?
“I had a survey done on my house. Eight out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.” – Jimmy Carr
“Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…” – Milton Jones
“One in four frogs is a leap frog.” – Chris Turner
“‘Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.’ ‘Was it something I said?’ asks the son. ‘Yes.’” – Damien Slash
“I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.” – Jordan Brookes
“I’m going to donate my body to science, and keep my Dad happy – he always wanted me to go to medical school.” – Lee Mack
“A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food in here.’” – Peter Kay
“I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times.” – Felicity Ward
“I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.” – Steven Wright
“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.” – Tim Vine
“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re relentless.” – Mitch Hedberg
“I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.’” – Tim Vine
“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.'” – Alan Carr
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin
“I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.” – Tommy Cooper
“My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.” – Milton Jones
“So I’m at the Wailing Wall, standing there, like a moron, with my harpoon.” – Emo Philips
“A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.” – Rich Hall
“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert
“My Dad always knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said, ‘Is this a joke?’” – Ken Dodd
“I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.’” – Tim Vine
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“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.” – Milton Jones
“I moved to a well-to-do area. I know it’s well-to-do because I said to my husband ‘it’s chilly in here’, and he said ‘shall we turn the floor up’?” – Sarah Millican
“Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.” – Tommy Cooper
“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” – Iain Stirling
“I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.” – Ken Dodd
“I like to go into The Body Shop and shout out really loud, ‘I’ve already got one!’” – Jimmy Carr
“I got recognised today in Dixons. A member of staff came up to me and said ‘hey you’re that mad bloke off the telly’. I went ‘that’s me’, and he went ‘no, you’re that mad bloke… off the telly!’” – Lee Mack
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.” – Tim Vine
“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” – Paul F Taylor
“A man walked into the doctor’s. He said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places.’ The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there any more.'” – Tommy Cooper
“If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” – Ian Smith
“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning… that can keep me awake for days.” – Billy Connolly
“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” – Tom Ward
“Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.” – Tom Parry
“My great uncle Arthur died at the Battle of the
Little Bighorn. But he wasn’t involved in the fighting. He was camping in a nearby field and popped over to complain about the noise.” – Rob Brydon
“So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought, ‘That’s a turtle disaster.’” – Peter Kay
“I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day.” – Aatif Nawaz
“My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.” – Nick Hall