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its joke time

Time for a laugh. I think we all deserve a little frivolity.
SCROLL DOWN John Bellamy

John .Love the newsletter each week. I really look forward to my Sunday morning read and giggle. So thoughtful of you and do rewarding as well. Geoff. Love the Blog John. Once again a right cracker. Mike Where do you get the time to do all this for us John and all for no financial reward. Many do not deserve you. You are an angel. Philip.

Hi John: Been reading your newsletter for over a year now. I'm on several gay groups and have not heard a single word from any of them until recently. You however have been there throughout and you have earned your place in gay cultural history. Robert.

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Her: Awww... Yes!!!

Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me

Top marks John. You cheer up my weekends. Alone at home. No visitors. Been this way for such a long time. Main thing that gets me through is your Blog, as it always fascinates and amuses. Thanks. Keep it up. Some pictures attached. Mel.

Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

John. You are the craziest and looney tunes person I have ever met. Barking mad. Complete nut job. And I absolutely love you to bits. In this hate filled world - in this negative environment we find ourselves, where BLM ( Black Lives Matter ) is actually CRITISISED ( which astounds ) and where Poland, and Hungary are reversing their LGBTQ rights contrary to EU rules - and where the wacky United States are still fighting Trumpism and Russia and China are sabre rattling - I am glad I am not a chicken any more as the world is going to shit and it seems the only bit of joy I find is through your Blog and Hamilton Hall. David.

Teacher: How much is a gram? Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need.

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

Thanks again for the newsletter. Always a great read. So good to read someone's views, even if I don't always agree, too many vacuous people out there who have no inner soul and good to read someone who has a passion and a commitment to share with so many who are in such need. Luv You John. We've never met, but one day next year. Josh.

Yo mama is so ugly she made my happy meal cry

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners. The lady says, "Come Again!" The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!

Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

A British Airways steward I knew years ago told the story of a women that would not put her tray table up for take off after he had asked her to do so, twice. Eventually when he spoke louder to her, her husband said ' My wife doesn't talk to servants.' Outraged - and being a good gay man - he barked in reply

'Well if we are coming into a crash landing she had better pay attention to this servant or she will die - YOU GET THAT ?' For the rest of the flight all the crew gave them the worst service, leaving them till last, ( and I dare say like when you insult a waiter BEFORE he brings you your meal, they spat in her dinner - and if you don' think that happens, then you are stupidly naïve ) and anyone having that kind of an attitude is destined to be ignored by ' the servants' as her attitude was appalling. Absolutely appalling and this is real, not made up, but real. On Cruise Ships of old, when you sat at the same table for dinner every evening, if you gave grief or rudeness to your waiter - the waiter who was to be your server for the whole cruise, they would put ' plate powder' - a while tasteless soap used in commercial kitchen washing up areas, on your plate with your dinner and you would have the shits for days and assume it was just sea sickness or ' something you eat' - and this would keep you out of the dining room for a few days. If on your return you were rude to your waiter again, out came the plate powder and out came the diarrhoea. Don't fuck with those who are about to feed you .

Can you imagine some people being that up their own asshole ?

Actually yes I can as the gay world is full of them.. and these are assholes you MOST CERTAINLY do not want to fuck with.

Yo mama so fat, she doesn't need internet, she's already worldwide.

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

I bet you re read that one again....

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha!" he says, "I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume, "I'm the bus driver!"

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

Q: Is Google male or female?

A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!

  • A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

  • Q. What did the penis say to the condom? A. Cover me, I’m going in

  • Q. What goes in hard and dry then comes out wet and soft? A. Chewing gum / or a Tea Bag.

  • Q. What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms? A. Melt them into a tire and call it a goodyear.

  • Q. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? A. Thanks for coming!

  • Q. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

  • Q. How is a boyfriend/girlfriend like a laxative? A. They both irritate the shit out of you.

  • Q. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? A. Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

  • Q. What did the penis say to the vagina? A. Don’t make me come in there!

  • Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? A. Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

  • Q. I asked my partner if I was the only one, she’s/he’s been with. A. She/he said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”

  • Q. Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club. A. Thank you all for coming.

  • Q. They say make up sex is the best… A. Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up

  • Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest kids? A. Ask your mum!

  • Q. What's 72? A. 69 with three people watching.

  • Q. How is sex like air? A. It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.

  • Q. What do tofu and a dildo have in common? A. They are both meat substitutes.

  • Q. What comes after 69? A. mouthwash.

  • Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead? A. The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.

  • Q. How do you make a pool table laugh? A. Tickle its balls.

  • Q. What does a perverted frog say? A. Rubbit

  • Q. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? A. I want you inside me!

  • A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”

I know these are silly but - hey - you read down to here so..... anything you want to share on here, just send it in. John Bellamy
  • Q. What do you call an expert fisherman? A. A Master Baiter

  • Q. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? A. Beat it. We’re closed.

  • Q. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? A. He only comes once a year.

  • Q. What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? A. Lettuce alone without dressing.

  • Q. Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? A. To get to the bottom

What do you think of those short rude jokes?

Obviously rude jokes come in all shapes and sizes and we have plenty more to show you… Next up, rude chat up lines…

Sexual innuendos are perfect to randomly say in day to day life or to use as a chat up line but we suggest you be careful with how these are used with people you aren’t too close with. You don’t want to be called the “Office perv” or anything do you?

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