JOKES FOR THE WEEK
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
After picking her son up from scho
ol one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."
A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"
Q: How do 5 gay men walk? A: One Direction!
Q: What do you call a gay drive by? A: "a fruit roll up."
Q: Why can't gays drive faster than 68mph? A: Because at 69 they blow a rod.
Q: What do you call a gay cowboy? A: A Jolly Rancher!
Q: Why are most politicans in the closet or gay? A: Because they can only mandate.
Q: How do you fit three homosexuals on one barstool? A: Turn it upside-down!
Q: How can you catch a gay squirrel? A: Climb a tree and pretend to be an almond (botanically speaking, almonds are fruits).
Q: What do gay kids get for Christmas? A: Erection Sets.
Q: What do you call a homosexual dentist? A: Tooth fairy
Q: Did you hear about the gay guy who got kicked off the golf course? A: He was playing with too many strokes.
Q: Why is Katie Holmes divorcing Tom Cruise? A: Apprently he's been in A Few Good Men.
Q: What's the difference between a refridgerator and a homo? A: The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out!
Q: What do the rabbis do with foreskin after a circumsicion? A: Give it to the gays for chewing gum!
Q: What comes after 69? A: mouthwash.
Q: What did one gay sperm say to another? A: "How do we find an egg in all of this shit?"
Q: Where do you call a town full of homosexuals? A: A Gayborhood.
Q: What do you call an annoying gay man? A: A pain in the arse.
Q. Hear about the new gay sitcom? A. "Leave it, it's Beaver."
Q: Whats a homos favorite planet? A: Uranus Q: What do you call a gay boxer? A: Fruit Punch!
Q: What did the moose say after leaving the gay bar? A: Man, I blew like 50 bucks in there.
Q: What do you call a gay Ginger? A: Flaming.
Q: How do you know your a homosexual? A: When you make Justin Bieber look straight.
Q. Did you hear about the gay rabbit? A. He found a hare up his ass.
Q: What do you call a bouncer in a gay bar? A: Flamethrower.
Q: What do you call a 5-Man gay mariachi band? A: Juan Direction
Q: What do you get when you cross an eskimo and a gay guy? A: A snowblower.
Q: Did you hear about the big tough gay guy? A: He was good at bringing guys to their knees.
Q: How can you make a gay man scream twice? A: Fudge him real hard. Then wipe your dick off on his curtains.
Q. How can you tell if a novel is homosexual? A. The hero always gets his man in the end.
Q. How can you tell if a Western is gay? A. All the good guys are hung.
Q: Why was Dewey Cox walking hard? A: He got some Tenacious D.
Q: How does a gay guy fake an orgasm? A: He spits on his back.
Q: Why do gay men fake orgasms? A: Because they will be in deep shit if they don't!
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an alter boy.
How do you say homosexual in Jewish? A: heblew. I bet the first gay Transformer will morph into a Prius.
Q: What does one gay say to another homo sitting at the bar? A: "Do you mind if I push in your stool?"
Q: What do you call a phone that gay men can't use? A: a Homophone.
Q: What is Gay Pride? A: a group of homosexual lions.
Q: What drink can you order at a gay bar? A: LGB-Tea.
Q: Did you hear about the gay vegetarian? A: He still eats meat.
Q: What do gay termites Eat? A: MaleBoxes.
What do you call two gay Scottish dudes? A: Gay-Licks!
Q: Why don't gays shop at Sports Authority? A: Because they prefer Dick's
Q: What do you call a First Order male orgy? A: Pylo Men.
Q: What does a homo say to another gay going on vacation? A: Can I help you pack your shit?
Q: Did you hear about the homosexual electron? A: Went around blowing fuses.
Q: Why is Fred Flinstone a closet homosexual? A: He has a gay old time
Q: Why is Edward Cullen a homosexual? A: Vampires burn in the sunlight, Gays sparkle!
Q: Did you hear about the homosexual letter? A: Only came in male boxes.
Q: What did the 2 condoms walking down the street say? A: Lets go into that gay bar and get shitfaced".
Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts? A: Cause their balls show!
Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur? A. Mega-saur-ass
Q. Did you hear about the two homosexual judges? A. They tried each other.
Q. Did you know 75% of the gay population were born that way? A. The other 25% were sucked into it. sour