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Laugh - it makes you look years younger.


My wife and I went into town to shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "butthead." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So my wife called him a "jerk." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we offended him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us, and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so important at our age!


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“A ventriloquist is touring and one night he’s doing a show in a club in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual act including his repertoire of dumb blonde jokes.


Suddenly a blonde woman in the middle of the crowd stands up and starts shouting at the stage.


“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?”

“What does the colour of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?”


“It’s men like you that keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and men like you continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!”


The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to stutter an apology when the blonde yells out…


“.You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little shit on your knee.”


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The Lady and the Pharmacist

A refined and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”


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What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I want you inside me.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts; this ain’t no ordinary blow job.

What did the clitoris say to the vulva? It’s all good in the hood!

What kind of food does a lesbian love? Anything they can eat out.

What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet? Gum.

What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me, I’m going in.

Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club. Thank you all for coming.

What’s a lesbian’s favorite Pokemon? Squirtle.

What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes.

What did Cinderella do when she got the ball? She gagged.

What do a Rubik’s Cube and a penis have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? Thanks for coming!

They say make up sex is the best… Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up

What is Moby Dick’s dad’s name? Papa Boner.


What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD? A trip without kids.

I just had sex in an elevator. It was great on so many levels.

When should condoms be used? Every conceivable occasion.

Why don’t witches wear underwear? Because they need a better grip.

Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter? Pretty nuts!

Masturbation always leads to sex. It’s a gateway tug.

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

I just found an origami porn channel, but it’s paper view only.

An Australian kiss – the same as a French kiss, but down under.

I’m trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot.

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, “Depends what’s in it for me.”

Your body is 70 percent water, and I’m thirsty.

I’m not a weatherman, but you can expect a few more inches tonight.

I wish you were soap so I could feel you all over me.

I grew out my undercut, but I could still get under you.

I may not go down in history, but I’ll go down on you.

If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

I’m always on top of important things. Would you like to be on the list?

Stop undressing me with your eyes! Use your teeth!

We can go out for dinner, as long as I can have you for dessert.


Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I see myself in them.

Are your ankles having a party? Because I think your pants should come on down.

Do you want to come to my time machine? We stop somewhere between ’68 and ’70.

Are you an archaeologist? Because I’ve got a bone for you to examine.

Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.

Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore – my face should be among them.

Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.

After signaling someone using one finger: “If I could make you come with just one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.

F**k me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist right?


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