Men have feelings to.
John Bellamy
A few months ago I met a man whose wife had lost a child - as it had died in the womb and for medical reasons she had to wait almost 3 weeks with a dead baby inside her before the hospital delivered it - and the emotional strain and breakdown was all seen as being the Mothers - and not a single person, not one, looked to the Father of the child, her partner, to see how HE was coping.
My very first question to him was -
' And how are YOU coping with this, as you have also lost a child.'
and he instantly burst into tears, grabbed me for a hug and just sobbed.
We stood for ages like this and he eventually apologised which I stated there was ABSOLUTELY no reason to apologise as I understood completely that HE was also suffering the loss but how so few saw that.
We talked after and he said he was trying to be strong for her, and how everyone - EVERYONE - had told him he was to be strong as his wife has been through so much - which is true, but on an emotional lever; he has also lost a child and is in bereavement and he also needs some support, and my question made him ball his eyes out. It seems, he had felt completely alone as everyone swarmed around the Mother and ignored him completely - and as he said, - ' It was as if I wasn't even involved ' - and my asking made his cry. He didn't want to make a fuss or complain or say - ' What about me ?'-
as that could be seen as him taking attention from his wife, and he knew she was suffering, BUT SO WAS HE AND HE HAD HIDDEN IT IN HIS ATTEMPT TO BE STRONG FOR HER - but the fragility of his emotions underneath the veneer of being strong, shattered when I broke through it with my question about how HE was, and not her... AND THIS WAS POROBABLY EXACTLY WHAT HE NEEDED, TO BE ABLE TO CRY AND LET IT OUT - as this is one of the main ways to healing. Never bottle it all up inside as that causes emotional and physical ailments in the future and is always best to ' let it out '.
Strange thing is, within weeks I find this poem below and thought it good to share.
John Bellamy
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This is for you bereaved Dad’s...
I see you.
In the hospital while you await the arrival of your child who will be born silent, I notice how all the nurses direct their attention to the mom. As you stand tall next to the woman you love while inside you are broken.
I see you.
As you hold your significant others hand as she prepares to deliver your child, not one person in the room is noticing your eyes swell with tears, but I do.
I see you.
As your child enters this world silent and fragile. You allow your child’s mom to hold your precious little one first, but your hands shake with anticipation to hold the child you both created.
I see you.
You’re in the hospital room, but the way medical staff overlooks you it starts to make you feel like you are invisible. You wonder do they even know my name ?
I see you.
When you have to walk out of the hospital leaving your baby behind your knees feel weak, but you still find the strength to carry your broken wife.
I see you.
You receive cards, gifts and grieving resources but so many are just labeled to the mother. You ache to have your name be included on each item.
I see you.
As your wife weeps day and night you hold her hand, rub her back and calm her frantic mind. You are left to cry alone for fear of making your wife worry about you.
I see you.
To all dads who have had to lose their child and then are left to feel forgotten in the process. I want you to know you are just as important as the mother. I’m sorry you have been overlooked or made to feel like the loss of your child is a weight only the mother bears. We are in this together, and we ar