one liners to make you giggle

Went to a seminar on Reincarnation. It was £5,000 to attend.

I thought it was somewhat expensive but then, you only live once...

1. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!

3. Money talks. Mine always says goodbye.

5. I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems —

6. the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.

8. You have two parts of the brain, “left” and “right”. On the left side,

9. there’s nothing right and on the right side, there’s nothing left.

11. Why do bees hum? They don’t remember the lyrics!

13. I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love, but I also have a cat to remind

14. me that I don’t deserve it. It’s all about balance.

16. Don’t spell part backward. It’s a trap.

18. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the

19. local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

21. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

23. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

25. Is your bottom jealous of the amount of crap that comes out of your mouth?

27. There’s a new restaurant called Karma. There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.

29. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now.

31. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.

33. I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was

34. killed by bears and leave it at that.

• Accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.

• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

• I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

• R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.

• Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.

• I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both lefts which, on the one hand, is great,

• but on the other, it’s just not right.

• My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

• What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

• Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

• He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.

• The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

• At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?

• I just found out that I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

• I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.