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Say it before it's too late.

My dad was an addict. He died from an overdose in 2018.

John Bellamy Comments on this sad story from America, below.

I once got mad at him when his food stamp card was denied and I had to cover his groceries. It wasn’t about the money.

I gave him a hard time when he broke my glass measuring cup.

It wasn’t about the cup.

He commented on a new haircut and I was enraged because he’d already seen it and I assumed he was too drunk to remember.

It wasn’t about my hair.

I drove him from doctor to doctor, from rehab to rehab, but I was frequently short tempered. Visibly put out by what he required of me.

It wasn’t about the time.

He was homeless for many years.

He used to stand on corners with a sign and ask for whatever money or food people were willing to give.

I loved him, but I was frequently embarrassed by him.

I was mad about my childhood and what bled into my adulthood, and I found any way to take it out on him.

He’s gone now and I’m not mad at him anymore. I’m mad at how much I let my inability to forgive him affect our relationship.

Now he is free and I’m chained, weighed down by all the grace I couldn’t bear to give a person who so wholly was in need of it.

Give forgiveness.

Because my regret over withholding it is stronger than all the anger I felt throughout the years.”


John Bellamy Comments:

My Mother drove us all mad. Her self centred manner - her thoughtlessness towards others - her me me me all the time and most of all, her constant denial to accept her mistakes and instead blamed all of us - and we were all angry at her for various things she had done in her life where family and friends were emotionally damaged because of her actions and where in a kind of innocent manner - she was an abuser.

I completely appreciate she did nothing to deliberately hurt others, but when you spoke up afterwards and tried telling her how her actions were hurtful, she didn't want to hear it - not at all, and would blindly blame others for being wrong. She would not - could not - accept the fact that at times her behaviour was wrong. She never thought of it as such, but something happened in her early life that must have affected how she was towards others and we gave her very little sympathy and understanding as for decades, Batty Betty was just being that - batty as ever - and it took us decades of growing up into maturity to see it for what is all was, a person who had never experienced or understood love. Oh she had been married 3 times and had 3 children but she never understood love.

It drove wedges between family members, caused fights and troubles and all awhile she would sit back and be pleased that she had caused a family row as at that moment, she was centre of attention even though we were all telling her off, but she didn't care, she was centre stage even if the audience were appalled at her attitude, and she just smiled all through it.

At different times we had all tried to reason with her, point things out where her actions had hurt someone and you know what - she absolutely didn't care - or at least - seemed not to care and one wonders what happened to make her this way.

She so drove us all to distraction that I remember thinking we would be better off if and when she does leave us and we can find some peace - and some years later after she did die, I remember that remark and while I do not regret what was said, s at the time she was being especially awkward - and I do miss her and now try and figure out why she was so cruel, why she was so thoughtless and why she was so troublesome to get attention and the only thing we can now figure is that she had a mild dose of Aspergers where the concept of love is missing - and this answered so many unanswered questions for us all.

Now she is gone I wish I'd taken more time, had more understanding and shared with her more, but when someone fights against absolutely everything you ever did for them, - when every gift bought for an elderly person in need of things, has those things ignored and even given away BECAUSE I BOUGHT THEM , therefore I can't possibly know what to do - then you give up trying and get frustrated at the complete lack of consideration for what you do to help. She was my Mother and I wanted what was best for her and yet everything you ever did, was wrong, and you end up exasperated - absolutely exasperated.

So you pull away and say ' Fuck it...' and then they die and you are left with an ' Oh...' ! So as annoying and as difficult as elderly parents can be, when they are gone you will never have the time to say the things you have in your mind to say YEARS LATER - so say them now, say them today - never have regrets that after they go - you say to yourself - ' I wish I'd told them this or that, and often, I wish I'd said thankyou.' So take the time today, if your elderly parents are still alive, go and phone and have a chat and say how much you love them and most of all, thank you.'

It can't hurt and will mean so much.

We forget that they have needs, desires, wants and regrets as well. They fail at times just like we will fail. They will fuck things up and probably fuck us up as well, but it is not meant as no one means to fuck up their children. They will also look back on their lives and their parents with, probably, the same thoughts as we have, and if we can all just be a little more sympathetic and understanding, maybe it will help.

Too late for my Mother as she died some 10 years ago and we have learned and accepted so much about her life SINCE her death, and it is a shame we did not have this time when she was alive, but to be honest, all her life, she lived a fantasy and nothing about our past was ever the same whenever we asked, so we have no idea what to believe and she was a bit of a fantasist - and as an actress, we children were just props in her drama.

Say the words before it is too late.

John Bellamy


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