silly funnies to fill a half hour...


  • Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex. – They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch.

  • Someone asked the other day how you spell “scrotum”, I replied ” you should have asked me last night as it was on the tip of my tongue”

  • What does tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes

  • What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? A man ( love this one.. )

  • What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students? A PDF file

  • How is virginity like a soap bubble? One prick and it’s gone

  • How is pubic hair like parsley? You push it to the side before you start eating.

  • How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

  • What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick

  • I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

  • Is your name winter? Because you’ll be coming soon.

  • Let’s play carpenter. First we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.

  • I lost my keys… Can I check your underwear?

  • Are you an archaeologist? Because I’ve got a bone for you to examine.

  • I’m not usually into hunting, but I’d love to catch you and mount you all over my house.

  • I’m no weatherman but you can expect more than a few inches tonight.

  • Baby, I last longer than a white crayon.

  • (Use index finger to call someone over and then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.

  • Do you work at Build-A-Bear? Because I’d stuff you.

  • Do you smoke pot? Because weed be cute together.

  • Hello, I’m bisexual. I’d like to BUY you a drink… and then get sexual.

  • Your face reminds me of a wrench; every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

  • You must be a doctor! You just cured my erectile dysfunction.

  • Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? [Pull your pockets inside out] Would you like to?

  • Do you know your ABCs? ‘Cause I wanna give you the fourth letter of the alphabet.

  • I’ll be Burger King and you be McDonald’s. I’ll have it my way and you’ll be lovin’ it.

  • We should play strip poker. You can strip and I’ll poke you.

  • Do you like jalapeños? Because in no time I’ll be jalapeño pussy.

Rude Knock-Knock Jokes
Knock, Knock!
Who's There? 
Howie!  
Howie who?  
Howie gonna hide this dead body?  
Knock Knock! 
Who's There? 
May I come in?
May I come in who? 
May I come in you!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Ivana.
Ivana who?
Ivana fuck your brains out.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Dover.
Dover who?
Ben Dover and I’ll give you a big surprise!
Knock Knock 
Who's there?
Iguana 
Iguana Who?
Iguana touch your buttcrack!
Knock knock! 
Whos There? 
Phil 
Phil Who? 
Phil McCrackin
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Cam.
Cam who?
Camel toe… do you have any pants I can borrow?
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Some!
Some who?
Some dickhead talking to a knock knock joke.
Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Some.
Some who?
Some bitch telling you a fucking knock, knock joke!
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Asshole!
Asshole who?
Open the door and find out assholee.
  • Are you a termite? Cause you’re about to have a mouth full of wood.

  • I wish you were soap so I could feel you all over me.

  • I may not go down in history, but I’ll go down on you.

  • Do you want to come to my time machine? We stop somewhere between ’68 and ’70

  • Let’s play carpenter. First, we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.

  • If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

  • Are you my new boss? Because you just gave me a raise.

  • I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?

  • Do you need a stud in your life? Cause I got the STD and all I need is U.



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