silly funnies to fill a half hour...


  • Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex. – They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch.

  • Someone asked the other day how you spell “scrotum”, I replied ” you should have asked me last night as it was on the tip of my tongue”

  • What does tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes

  • What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? A man ( love this one.. )

  • What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students? A PDF file

  • How is virginity like a soap bubble? One prick and it’s gone

  • How is pubic hair like parsley? You push it to the side before you start eating.

  • How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

  • What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick

  • I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

  • Is your name winter? Because you’ll be coming soon.

  • Let’s play carpenter. First we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.

  • I lost my keys… Can I check your underwear?

  • Are you an archaeologist? Because I’ve got a bone for you to examine.

  • I’m not usually into hunting, but I’d love to catch you and mount you all over my house.

  • I’m no weatherman but you can expect more than a few inches tonight.

  • Baby, I last longer than a white crayon.

  • (Use index finger to call someone over and then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.

  • Do you work at Build-A-Bear? Because I’d stuff you.

  • Do you smoke pot? Because weed be cute together.

  • Hello, I’m bisexual. I’d like to BUY you a drink… and then get sexual.

  • Your face reminds me of a wrench; every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

  • You must be a doctor! You just cured my erectile dysfunction.

  • Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? [Pull your pockets inside out] Would you like to?

  • Do you know your ABCs? ‘Cause I wanna give you the fourth letter of the alphabet.

  • I’ll be Burger King and you be McDonald’s. I’ll have it my way and you’ll be lovin’ it.

  • We should play strip poker. You can strip and I’ll poke you.

  • Do you like jalapeños? Because in no time I’ll be jalapeño pussy.

Rude Knock-Knock Jokes
Knock, Knock!
Who's There? 
Howie!  
Howie who?  
Howie gonna hide this dead body?  
Knock Knock! 
Who's There? 
May I come in?
May I come in who? 
May I come in you!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Ivana.
Ivana who?
Ivana fuck your brains out.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Dover.
Dover who?
Ben Dover and I’ll give you a big surprise!
Knock Knock 
Who's there?
Iguana 
Iguana Who?
Iguana touch your buttcrack!
Knock knock! 
Whos There? 
Phil 
Phil Who? 
Phil McCrackin
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?