Some funnies for you

Doom and gloom lay all around like cow pats on the land...- - - only joking, just a few funnies below to cheer you up on this lockdown weekend

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One Christmas eve, Pete and Jane were driving their Russian friend Rudolph back to his house. The weather outside was frightful. Jane asked Pete, “Do you think that’s sleet or rain out there?”

“It’s rain, Jane” said Pete.

“I think it’s sleet, Pete,” said Jane.

Rudolph chimed in, “It’s definitely rain, Jane.”

“No, I really think it’s sleet, Rudolph” said Jane.

“Don’t argue with the expert, Jane,” said Pete.

“What do you mean, Pete?” asked Jane.

Pete replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear.”

One Christmas, a mother decided she was no longer going to remind her kids to send thank you notes. Consequently, the kids’ grandmother never received any thanks for the Christmas checks she sent to the kids. The very next Christmas, all the kids stopped by in person to thank their grandmother for their checks. When asked by a friend what caused this change in behavior, the grandmother replied, “Simple. This year I didn’t sign the checks.”

What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?

When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come…

Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

Two guys are talking about what they got their wives for Christmas. The First Guy says "I got my wife a lexus, and a diamond tennis bracelet" And the Second guy says why would you get her that? So the guy says "Well if she doesn't like the tennis bracelet she can drive the mercedes?" Okay I'm curious, what did you get your wife? The second man says "I got her a dildo and a snow blower" So the first Guy laughs and asks "Why would you get her that?" So the Man replies "When if she's not in the mood to blow she can go fuck herself"

Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A. They don't have balls to scratch!

Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse," he mumbles, "are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other... she takes a close look and says: "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir." Man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says softly, "Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very carefully, "Are my test results back?"

And the Lord said unto John; "come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I was in Asda with the missus and put a box of Stella in the trolley. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the missus. "It's on offer, £10 for 24 cans." I said. "Put

hem back, we can't afford it!" she says. A few aisles on she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley. "What are you doing?" I said. "It makes my face look beautiful," she says. I said: "So does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the fucking price!"

Just had a woman on the door step for the last hour explaining the benefits of brown bread... Fucking Hovis Witnesses.

My son got kicked out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off! I said: "Son, that's three schools this year... maybe teaching isn't for you!"

A man passed out on a beach for four hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically on the front of his legs, above his knees. He went to A&E and was admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns; his skin already starting to blister. Due to the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours. the nurse, who was rather astounded, said: "What good will Viagra do for him?" The doctor replied: it won't do anything for his condition but it'll keep the sheets off his legs!"

Tried erotic suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having sex. She obviously didn't like it, she's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment !!

Teacher: Lit

tle Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives? Little Johnny answered: Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?" "The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my a**hole bleached! "Whoa," replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

On holiday in Spain recently I saw a sign saying "English speaking Doctor". I thought "What a good idea; I wonder why they dont have them in our bloody country"