Some funnies for you
Doom and gloom lay all around like cow pats on the land...- - - only joking, just a few funnies below to cheer you up on this lockdown weekend
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One Christmas eve, Pete and Jane were driving their Russian friend Rudolph back to his house. The weather outside was frightful. Jane asked Pete, “Do you think that’s sleet or rain out there?”
“It’s rain, Jane” said Pete.
“I think it’s sleet, Pete,” said Jane.
Rudolph chimed in, “It’s definitely rain, Jane.”
“No, I really think it’s sleet, Rudolph” said Jane.
“Don’t argue with the expert, Jane,” said Pete.
“What do you mean, Pete?” asked Jane.
Pete replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear.”
One Christmas, a mother decided she was no longer going to remind her kids to send thank you notes. Consequently, the kids’ grandmother never received any thanks for the Christmas checks she sent to the kids. The very next Christmas, all the kids stopped by in person to thank their grandmother for their checks. When asked by a friend what caused this change in behavior, the grandmother replied, “Simple. This year I didn’t sign the checks.”
What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?
When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come…
Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
Two guys are talking about what they got their wives for Christmas. The First Guy says "I got my wife a lexus, and a diamond tennis bracelet" And the Second guy says why would you get her that? So the guy says "Well if she doesn't like the tennis bracelet she can drive the mercedes?" Okay I'm curious, what did you get your wife? The second man says "I got her a dildo and a snow blower" So the first Guy laughs and asks "Why would you get her that?" So the Man replies "When if she's not in the mood to blow she can go fuck herself"
Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A. They don't have balls to scratch!
Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse," he mumbles, "are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other... she takes a close look and says: "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir." Man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says softly, "Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very carefully, "Are my test results back?"
And the Lord said unto John; "come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I was in Asda with the missus and put a box of Stella in the trolley. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the missus. "It's on offer, £10 for 24 cans." I said. "Put
hem back, we can't afford it!" she says. A few aisles on she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley. "What are you doing?" I said. "It makes my face look beautiful," she says. I said: "So does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the fucking price!"
Just had a woman on the door step for the last hour explaining the benefits of brown bread... Fucking Hovis Witnesses.
My son got kicked out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off! I said: "Son, that's three schools this year... maybe teaching isn't for you!"
A man passed out on a beach for four hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically on the front of his legs, above his knees. He went to A&E and was admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns; his skin already starting to blister. Due to the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours. the nurse, who was rather astounded, said: "What good will Viagra do for him?" The doctor replied: it won't do anything for his condition but it'll keep the sheets off his legs!"
Tried erotic suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having sex. She obviously didn't like it, she's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment !!
Teacher: Lit
tle Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives? Little Johnny answered: Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?" "The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my a**hole bleached! "Whoa," replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
On holiday in Spain recently I saw a sign saying "English speaking Doctor". I thought "What a good idea; I wonder why they dont have them in our bloody country"
Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common? A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus !
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the gutsto ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.
An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful" says Grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little diff
rent from everyone." "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah says with a big smile... "There's a musician here. He's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'! There's a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'! And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab."
David was watching a cricket game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple. "I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to Li "For heaven's sake, watch them," Liz said, "you already know how to play cricket!
Q: If a dove is the "bird of peace" then what's the bird of "true love"? A: The swallow.
Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision? A: a rip off Girl: "Hey, what's up?" Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?"
Q: What is it you can give at Christmas and still keep? A: Herpes.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? At least a zit waits until you're a teenager before it cums on your face!
Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long."
Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it." Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed? A: Because their plugged into a genius! Q: What do you call a party with 100 midgets? A: A little get together. Q: What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.? A: E.T. eventually went home!
Q: Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? A: Because the 'p' is silent
Q: Why did God give men penises? A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A: A lickalotopis
Q: What's the difference between being hungry and horny? A: Where you put the cucumber. What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Q: Did you hear about the celebrity murderer? A: He was shooting for the stars.
Q: What do girls and noodles have in common? A: They both wiggle when you eat them.
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A: Anyone can roast beef.
Q: Why did Tigger look in the toilet? A: Because he was looking for Pooh
If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off
? Q: What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A: A tearjerker. “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
“When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.”
“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”
“My husband’s penis is like a semi colon. I can’t remember what it’s for and I never use it anyway.”
“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask.”
“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.”
“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”
“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.”
wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.”
“One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say… ‘Ah well, you only live once.”
“My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.”
“My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.” “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”
“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.
“Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired.
“It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road.”
“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.”
“The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much'”
“I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”
My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first”
“I heard
a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.
“People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” “Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.” “I’ve always considered myself more of a lover than a fighter. Which has confused a lot of guys that have tried to start fights with me. They’ll raise their fists, I’ll whip my knob out. “I learned about method acting at drama school, when all my classmates stayed in character as posh, patronising twats for the entire three years I was there. “If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” Ian Smith (2015)
“Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas.”
“I had a job drilling holes for water – it was well boring. “Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job – knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.”
“I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed.”
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“In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me.”
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There are three guys on a boat, and they have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with – what do they do? They throw one cigarette overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I got told by the doctor that I was infertile and I couldn’t have children. Three weeks after he told me that, my girlfriend was pregnant. Who’s the daddy!” “As me old dad used to say, ‘Just because Thora Hird can’t climb stairs doesn’t mean she’s a Dalek'” “I’m going to donate my body to science, and keep my dad happy – he always wanted me to go to medical school.”
