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SCROOLL DOWN FOR A TON OF ONE LINERS



Louisa McKinney stopped by a Dollar Tree to pick up some wrapping paper for some birthday gifts. While there, she spotted an elderly man approach a young woman in the store for some help. He told the woman he needed help picking out a special birthday card. So they walked over to that aisle and the woman did all the bending and reaching for the man.

The woman then asked the man who the card was for so she could better determine which cards to reach for. And this was his response: “It’s for me. If I wake up tomorrow, I’ll be 85. My wife wanted to get me something, but she’s very sick and cannot leave the house, and I want her to know I got a birthday card from her.”


Louisa then overhead the man tell the woman helping him facts about himself and the love of his life. They met as kids and were married when they were just teenagers. The military soon called him to war, and his wife worried all the time about his safety. But she was there for him when he returned, and they raised some children, and their love grew stronger.


The woman helping the man pick out a card was a small act of kindness. It also was an act of kindness on the man’s part to make his wife happy with the card. Louisa overheard one other thing, as she, by this time, was fully tuned in to the story. The woman who helped the man owns a restaurant, and she promised him that when his wife was able to get out of the house for a while, dinner was on her.


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FOOL OF THE YEAR! Putin whines that there is not a single order for Russian-made passenger aircraft for 2023

"Why are you making a fool out of me? Where are the contracts??" Putin whines that there is not a single order for Russian-made passenger aircraft for 2023. Vova Bunker makes a surprised face on camera, as if he does not understand why the Russian aviation industry is in such a situation, trying to shift responsibility to the government and ministers, as if they were to blame for the sanctions that the West imposed in response to Putin's invasion of Ukraine. The title of the “Idiot of the Year” goes to Vladimir Putin.


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During a prank, a student stuck a paper on his classmate's back that said "𝗜'𝗺 𝗦𝘁𝘂𝗽𝗶𝗱", and asked the rest of the class not to tell the boy.


Thus the students began laughing on and off...


Came afternoon math class started and their teacher wrote a difficult question on the board.

No one was able to answer it except the boy with the sticker.

Amid the unexplained giggles, he walked toward the board and solved the problem.

The teacher asked the class to clap for him and remove the paper on his back.


She told him: "It seems that you don’t know about the paper your classmate has pasted on your back."

Then the teacher looked at the rest of the class and said:


"Before I give you a punishment, let me tell you 2 things:


First, throughout your Life, people will put labels on you with many nasty words to stop your progress.

Had your classmate known about the paper, he wouldn't have gotten up to answer the question.


𝗔𝗹𝗹 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗼 𝗶𝗻 𝗟𝗶𝗳𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝗴𝗻𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝗮𝗯𝗲𝗹𝘀 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗴𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘀𝗲𝗶𝘇𝗲 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝗼𝗽𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁𝘂𝗻𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗻, 𝗴𝗿𝗼𝘄 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳."


"Second, it’s clear that he doesn't have any loyal friend among you all to tell him about the sticker.

It doesn't matter how many friends you have - it is the loyalty you share with your friends that matters.


𝗜𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗱𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗳𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗯𝗲𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗯𝗮𝗰𝗸, 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝘄𝗮𝘁𝗰𝗵 𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂, 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘁𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝘂𝗶𝗻𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝗰𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂, 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗼𝗳𝗳 𝗮𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗲."


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What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? “I want you inside me.”
Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled. “I’m so wet, give it to me now! “She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.”
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. “The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.”
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Related: Dirty Jokes To Say To Your Girlfriend

I’ll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. “My girlfriend lives forty miles away.”
Who’s the most popular guy at the nudist colony? “The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.”
What’s the difference between kinky and perverted? “Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.”
A husband says to his wife, I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad both at the same time. “She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, “Your penis is bigger than your brother’s.”
A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, “Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means? “The boyfriend says, “Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.”
How do you make a pool table laugh? “Tickle its balls.”
Why can’t you hear rabbits making love? “Because they have cotton balls.”
If you were born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
A naked man broke into a church. “The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.”
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? “He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.”
Why did the sperm cross the road? “Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.”
An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. “The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.” “You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied. “Now you have to remove them.”
Why does a mermaid wear seashells? “Because she outgrew her B-shells!”
What do you do when your cat’s dead? “Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.”
What is Moby Dick’s dad’s name? “Papa Boner.”
What did the leper say to the sex worker? “Keep the tip.”

Related: Chuck Norris Jokes | Dirty

What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? “A beaver dam!”
What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common? “The more you play with it, the harder it gets.”
What do you get when you jingle Santa’s balls? “A white Christmas!”
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!” The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”

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