Trump Odds and Ends
I love Trump. He is always guaranteed to make me laugh, sadly though and not because he means to be funny but because he seems determined to destroy democracy and destroy America. He is a comedians best friend as there is just so much to choose from to take the piss out of...
Now - where shall we start with Boris.... scroll down
BREAKING: The judge in the E. Jean Carroll civil suit against Trump has just announced that the personal info of jurors will be safeguarded, and additional security measures implemented to ensure their protection, due to Trump's RECORD of ATTACKING the legal system.
“Mr. Trump’s quite recent reaction to what he perceived as an imminent threat of indictment by a grand jury sitting virtually next door to this Court was to encourage ‘protest’ and to urge people to ‘take our country back.’ That reaction reportedly has been perceived by some as incitement to violence,”
Judge Kaplan wrote. A judge is literally saying that Trump's attacks on the Judiciary branch are so dangerous that it requires special measure be put in place to protect those doing their civic duty. What does that say about Donald J. Trump as a man, much less a presidential candidate?
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What do you call a Disney Princess that supports Donald Trump?
Snow White Supremacist.
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Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail. They find three parachutes.
Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, “The world needs my leadership!”
Barack Obama grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world”, so he jumps off the plane.
At this point, the Pope and the little boy are on the plane.
The Pope says to the boy, “take the last parachute, I am too old and I’m going to die soon one day.”
The little boy says, “actually there are two left. Donald Trump took my backpack.”
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What does Trumps hair and a thong have in common?
They both barely cover the asshole.
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The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned in towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So, the Pope slapped him.
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Boris at the Bank
Boris Johnson walks into a Bank
He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
The cashier says “It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?”
Johnson replies: “: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, Prime Minister.””
The cashier says: “Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”
Johnson says: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”
The Cashier responds: “I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”
Johnson says: “Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque.”
The cashier relents.
“Alright sir, here is an example of what we can do,” he says.
“One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without an ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the Thames into a cup of tea held by the bank's chairman without spilling a drop. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
“Another time, Gordon Ramsay came in without an ID. To prove who he was, he made delicious chicken parm right here on my table, called the branch manager a fucking donkey, and fired everyone at the fish and chips joint next door. With that we knew who he was and cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?”
Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. There is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do."
The cashier replies: “That will do just fine good sir, will that be large or small notes?”
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Parachutes
Boris Johnson, a Scotsman, a Welshman and an Irishman are all on a plane when the engines fail.
There is only one parachute on board.
Without a moment’s hesitation, the Scotsman sacrifices himself, shouting “For Scotland!” as he jumps out of the plane. The Welshman follows suit, shouting “For Wales!” as he jumps.
Then it’s the turn of the Irishman. He shouts “For Ireland!”…and pushes Johnson out of the plane.
Thatcher vs Johnson
What’s the difference between Maggie Thatcher and Boris Johnson?
One starved miners and one starved minors
Boris Johnson (Image: Getty)
Heathrow
UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway.
This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!
Margaret Thatcher
Margaret Thatcher appears to Boris Johnson in a dream...
"Privatise the NHS and paint the Houses of Parliament green!" she says to Johnson
Johnson looks confused; "Why green?"
Thatcher smiles, "I knew you wouldn't object to the first part"
10. Big Ben
What's the similarity between Boris Johnson and the clapper on Big Ben?
They're both massive bell-ends.
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There you are , just some funnies to make the mess of the world a little laughter and able to manage.
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