Urgent appeal for out of work panto people.- something funny...
By John Bellamy
Many B Actors who get little work during the year - er - like most of them then - earn as much from the Panto Season to see them through the whole of the next year - and is a very lucrative income for many - but with Covid closing theatres and limiting audience numbers for the ones still open, many in show business who are 'Self Employed ' will be destroyed by a second festive season with no panto.
CHARITY APPEAL FOR THE CAST AND CREW OF CLOSED PANTO LAND
Panto Dames. Out of being in Panto it seems the good old Panto Dame aint quite the Dame we thought she was, and is a common old tart from Essex really. But ' WA-EVER - SHU-UP - OH WOT AM I LIKE ' is all she knows but then, coming from Essex, it seems she wears the usual style of dress for all ladies from Essex, colourful and LOUD. She can be found by the bus station at nights asking men if they ' want business'- and I don't think she is about to sing them a song about Dick..... Wittington.
Panto Horses have been left out in the cold and has not managed to find feed anywhere and are starving. The Front Man is also complaining about always being in the front with matey climbing up his ass all the time and he feels it is time to change positions - while back end keeps complaining of being farted in the face and wants to change roles occasionally - known as FLIP FLOP - so ' the other one' - knows what it feels like... and as usual, there is trouble in panto land. Someone suggested putting Panto Horse out ' TO STUD' but that got the biggest laugh of the day.
Buttons has no one to talk to and amaze with his fabulous stories and his mental health has slipped and he has started stopping complete strangers in the street and tries to get them into panto talk, slapping his thigh all the time and asking if they have seen any naughty boys and girls anywhere, and the police were called and the poor thing was arrested - and now they think Buttons is a pedo and he his in hiding. Aaahhh - Poor Buttons. Everyone on the count of 3 say AAAAHHHH !
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!! Widow Twankey - She is now on Tinder as she is fed up with being a widow who is active only at Christmas time and how her juices dry up during the year and she needs a little something deep and meaningful to see her through until the next hot thing can be found for her.
The Henchman complains there is no one to Hench.
( He should go on Grindr ...)
The Pantomime Baddy is just laughed at outside the theatre as no one in real life takes the likes of him seriously. Have you seen what he wears. Enough to make anyone laugh and scream in giggles and just NOT take him seriously. I mean girlfriend - no one wears britches these days...
The Comedy Duo are at fisty cuffs together. Started when one said ' Heard it ' - ' Heard it ' -' Heard it ' - ' Heard it ' -' Heard it '- 'Heard it ' whenever the other one started to tell a joke of any kind. No people to amuse so they are trying to amuse each other, but it seems it just isn't working and one was arrested for beating on the other screaming ' STOP STOP STOP - I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE... AAAHHH.'
The Wicked Queen lost her more lucrative job being a cunt to people on a game show - ' The Weakest Link' as they replaced her with a slightly fat bearded Asian - that being Romesh Rangnathan - and she has had to go back to her old job, serving drinks at a local gay bar where she slags off the customers all the time and she just isn't a happy queen at all. You see, she loved being wicked and cannot be wicked enough in the real world as in any gay bar she is considered tame - tame tame tame - as most of the patrons are far more evil and twisted, wicked and manipulative than she could ever be, so she is seen as second rate. Poor love. To make it even worse, she has taken to watching 'Dickinson's Real Deal' on the telly and now you know how desperate tings have become...
Plus - there is someone out there who out evils even the Devil himself - and no one could dispute this as a true fact - and I am not talking about Craig Revel Horwood - but DONALD TRUMP who STILL LIVES AND TALKS - rubbish most of the time but there are a few nutters who still listen even though his Panto ended a long time ago and the audience left with just a small ripple of applause which was drowned out by the thundering cheers as it all came screaming to a halt.... eventually.... after he demanded hundreds of curtain calls to stretch out the applause - and he keeps threatening the show isn't really over and how he is really the star of the show, but one wonders, what show would that be then ??? The Muppets ?
Captain Hook has hung up his hook and given up on chasing children. Too dangerous in the real world and he has to register with the authorities twice a week and is not allowed near schools. His friends Roman Polanski, Jeffrey Epstein and that lovely man we all use to watch and cheer and laugh with every week and who we trusted with our children - Jimmy Saville - are all good friends and who would believe that of Captain Hook ??? Mind you, who could believe it of Jimmy Saville, except just about ever breathing person at the BBC at the time of filming knew no child was to be left alone on the set with Jimmy Saville and yet when the shit hit the fan, the BBC claimed they knew nothing at all, which in Panto Land is called a FUCKING LIE.
Snow White - Well what can I tell you about her. She didn't just drift a little, she was a complete avalanche - She slept with every member of the famous dwarfs and became pregnant every time. The house they all share now is chaos and the dwarfs are only too glad to go down the mines to get away from all the kids running around screaming. Social services are threatening to take the kids off her as Snow - who is an unwed Mother of 7 - all by different dads, is claiming support from the state as the dwarfs do not earn enough and she may loose the kids. She's also turned into a cigarette smoking drunk - playing on-line Bingo all day and swears like a trooper. She's no lady - and is afraid the state will give her children to one of the The Dragons in the Den... .
The Squire: Really lives in a run down part of Boredomville in a council flat in the 36th floor and is on the dole. He is lonely and solitude is driving him to despair so bad, he recently watched the whole series of ' I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here' - and actually cried when it ended. Give generously to save anyone having to watch a whole series of that - now you know how desperate the situation is ...
Jack planted the beans but forgot to water them and what came up - Radishes. So much for them being magic then. No great escape to another world for him and all the magic has gone and he is stuck where he started, down the allotment with his shovel shoveling dirt.
The King and Queen Rat - now that they have no Panto season ahead,. had 84 children in the last 18 months and have asked for a bigger council house as they are 20 to a bed and it is uncomfortable. You all know the famous expression - after me - 'Too many rats, ruin the sleeping.'
Sure you know it. It's ancient.
Must be you ... Baron Hardup has gone on grinder and his profile is - naturally - 'Barely Hardon.' and it has been suggested he try the blue pill to liven things up a bit ... UP being the chosen word here... Being a Baron one would expect him to be posh, you know - Oh Kay Yar - but behind the scenes and behind the curtain - believe me - common as muck.
Aladdin has taken to rubbing something else to get a magic gift, he now rubs all day and all night on his new toy he discovered since lockdown - HIS COCK - and he plays with this getting a nice big reward at the end and a whole new career has opened up for Aladdin as a rent boy hustler and he seems to be doing okay ... and is putting his gold coins together to buy his own castle and out of everyone, judging from the picture, he has a BIG following and a successful career ahead - and if anyone wants his number - get in touch... But as for the poor genie, he has been forced to take a lodger inside the lamp to help offset the rent and early dementia, shut up alone all day long is enough to make any genie go a bit lampy - er - potty.
Cinderella: She has taken this the hardest. No work for the last couple of years and having to cook and clean for those Ugly Sisters of hers, both of whom got unexpectantly pregnant by - we think, the two parts of the Panto Horse - and poor Cinderella works 15 hours a day for less than the minimum wage and has no holidays or health coverage and no days off - and being as she is trans, has to put up with abuse from all sorts of lesser humans and all because she still has a cock, like bigots like
J.K.Rowling of Harry Potter fame. ( Boo Hiss to J.K. Rowling... BOO HISS )
She's a Trans Phobic Cunt. Such language in front of the children. Buttons being in charge of the commentary will probably tell me off for that -using such rude words as J.K. Rowling. While the word Cunt is perfectly acceptable in Panto Land ( behind the scenes ) but to use such fowl language as - no I cannot repeat it a third time as I will be spanked ... oooh yes please... !!! J.K.Rowling's a transphobic cunt
J.K. Rowlings a transphobic cunt
J.K. Rowlings a transphobic cunt
( spank me spank me... )
Well there you have it. Panto Land is not as it would seem. For when the curtain falls, and when the lights go off. When the people are gone and the theatre is desolate and quiet, creepy and silent, backstage you can hear the crying, the despair, the wanting and the need for children's laugh, for the sound of applause, the smell of the grease paint and sweaty arm pits, and the feel of nylons against hairy legs. For there will be no one warning you that ' He's behind you' - and no one to ' Huff and Puff and Blow the house down '- and no BOOOOING or HISSSING - and as for confusing children with all the gender bending that is going on - boys dressed as girls - girls dressed as boys - girls dressed as chickens and men as moo cows - it just confuses the fuck out of us all. Welcome to the 21st century of sexual outing for any minority group many of us have never heard of before... PAN - What Pan means? In ancient Greek religion and mythology, Pan is the god of the wild, shepherds and flocks, nature of mountain wilds, rustic music and impromptus, and companion of the nymphs. He has a brother called Sauce - and another caller Frying - another called Dish and an old Uncle who is no longer with us called Dead - Meanwhile -
Happy Panto Season everyone...
All donations towards helping these poor lost souls is greatly received and if you should pass a Panto Dame in Asda ( she cannot afford Waitrose when not working ) or any other character from the Panto, do say HI and let them know how much they are missed and loved - as with so many slipping into despair because of the feelings of not being wanted any more - many are jumping from the top of the Magic Kingdom Castle and believe me, its a long way down and not a pretty site. Feathers, massive wigs, lace, britches, magic wands and tons and tons of padding - EVERYWHERE - it's a right mess I can tell you - and then on top of all that, the Golden Egg slipped from the top and also fell and - well - she was well and truly scrambled.
And who is there who can help sort all this out. Get all these people back to their lands of joy and laughter ?
YES YOU GUESSED IT -
THE BIGGEST - the worst - the most evil and the most terrifying Panto Clown to ever be seen in Panto Land - EVER -
He wears funny masks that some say are just his face and as for his silly blond wigs all dishevelled - he is destined to destroy and will laugh and host illegal parties with wine and cheese while the rest of us have been instructed to stay home and he will ignore all the boos and the hiss's as his arrogance knows no bounds, and where no one can see a Panto or anything come to that - where we are all missing families and friends, missing everything we consider normal and dear to us, while his little gaggle of tooty fruity morons play a back stage hidden party with games and whoop it up -
Yes you might have guessed it - The BIGGEST PANTO CLOWN OF THEM ALL - BUT WHO WILL NOT BE MISSED - - -
'HE'S BEHIND YOU'
( until the next election...and then God knows what or who will replace this clown. ) '
DRAG: DRESSED ROUGHLY AS GIRL.
No other country in the world has Panto unless it has a British history. It is a VERY British event and where all children know the expression that all gay men know - He's behind you.