Urgent appeal for out of work panto people.- something funny...
By John Bellamy
Many B Actors who get little work during the year - er - like most of them then - earn as much from the Panto Season to see them through the whole of the next year - and is a very lucrative income for many - but with Covid closing theatres and limiting audience numbers for the ones still open, many in show business who are 'Self Employed ' will be destroyed by a second festive season with no panto.
CHARITY APPEAL FOR THE CAST AND CREW OF CLOSED PANTO LAND
Panto Dames. Out of being in Panto it seems the good old Panto Dame aint quite the Dame we thought she was, and is a common old tart from Essex really. But ' WA-EVER - SHU-UP - OH WOT AM I LIKE ' is all she knows but then, coming from Essex, it seems she wears the usual style of dress for all ladies from Essex, colourful and LOUD. She can be found by the bus station at nights asking men if they ' want business'- and I don't think she is about to sing them a song about Dick..... Wittington.
Panto Horses have been left out in the cold and has not managed to find feed anywhere and are starving. The Front Man is also complaining about always being in the front with matey climbing up his ass all the time and he feels it is time to change positions - while back end keeps complaining of being farted in the face and wants to change roles occasionally - known as FLIP FLOP - so ' the other one' - knows what it feels like... and as usual, there is trouble in panto land. Someone suggested putting Panto Horse out ' TO STUD' but that got the biggest laugh of the day.
Buttons has no one to talk to and amaze with his fabulous stories and his mental health has slipped and he has started stopping complete strangers in the street and tries to get them into panto talk, slapping his thigh all the time and asking if they have seen any naughty boys and girls anywhere, and the police were called and the poor thing was arrested - and now they think Buttons is a pedo and he his in hiding. Aaahhh - Poor Buttons. Everyone on the count of 3 say AAAAHHHH !
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!! Widow Twankey - She is now on Tinder as she is fed up with being a widow who is active only at Christmas time and how her juices dry up during the year and she needs a little something deep and meaningful to see her through until the next hot thing can be found for her.
The Henchman complains there is no one to Hench.
( He should go on Grindr ...)
The Pantomime Baddy is just laughed at outside the theatre as no one in real life takes the likes of him seriously. Have you seen what he wears. Enough to make anyone laugh and scream in giggles and just NOT take him seriously. I mean girlfriend - no one wears britches these days...
The Comedy Duo are at fisty cuffs together. Started when one said ' Heard it ' - ' Heard it ' -' Heard it ' - ' Heard it ' -' Heard it '- 'Heard it ' whenever the other one started to tell a joke of any kind. No people to amuse so they are trying to amuse each other, but it seems it just isn't working and one was arrested for beating on the other screaming ' STOP STOP STOP - I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE... AAAHHH.'
The Wicked Queen lost her more lucrative job being a cunt to people on a game show - ' The Weakest Link' as they replaced her with a slightly fat bearded Asian - that being Romesh Rangnathan - and she has had to go back to her old job, serving drinks at a local gay bar where she slags off the customers all the time and she just isn't a happy queen at all. You see, she loved being wicked and cannot be wicked enough in the real world as in any gay bar she is considered tame - tame tame tame - as most of the patrons are far more evil and twisted, wicked and manipulative than she could ever be, so she is seen as second rate. Poor love. To make it even worse, she has taken to watching 'Dickinson's Real Deal' on the telly and now you know how desperate tings have become...
Plus - there is someone out there who out evils even the Devil himself - and no one could dispute this as a true fact - and I am not talking about Craig Revel Horwood - but DONALD TRUMP who STILL LIVES AND TALKS - rubbish most of the time but there are a few nutters who still listen even though his Panto ended a long time ago and the audience left with just a small ripple of applause which was drowned out by the thundering cheers as it all came screaming to a halt.... eventually.... after he demanded hundreds of curtain calls to stretch out the applause - and he keeps threatening the show isn't really over and how he is really the star of the show, but one wonders, what show would that be then ??? The Muppets ?