What should I do ?
JOHN: What should I do ? My son ( 33 ) has offered me a homophobic stance since his Mother and I divorced long ago - has asked if he can move back in with me as his firm has downsized because of Covid and he has lost his job. His Mother and I are good friends and we have a much better relationship as unmarried - and became the friends we never were before. My son has never respected this and has always been off with me, blaming me regardless of how his Mother stipulated so many times - so many times - that we divorced amicably and where there was not hurt or pain, yet he always saw things differently to the reality. Now he wants to move in with me for financial sake - after more than 15 years - and his own divorce - later. His Mother has said no - as she has her own family since we divorced and has teenage kids at home and does not want him disturbing the family set up, so he asked me instead.
What should I do ?
Roger.
To start with Roger - READ THIS PAGE
Short answer: It was never his home, if he cannot return to it when in need.
People will do all sorts of things when ' in need' and you do need to ask him how long this is going to be for and you have a couple of choices. 1) Let him but agree a rental to be paid - as you are not a charity and it is not up to you to financially support him, he's 33 - but - if you don't - and if his life goes down the toilet with no jobs available and Covid still running wild - you may live to regret it - even with him being a homophobe, this could be the time for you to heal those wounds and show him thay gay or straight, you are his Father and there for him no matter his past bigotry and bad manners.
Be grateful that you have a home that he can come back to. Be grateful that he didn’t have to turn to something more dire to make ends meet. Be grateful. Be loving. Be empathetic. The world is in chaos - the world is full of fear - how do you think it made him feel at 33 years of age to ask any parent to move back in again - as that must have been hard for him and home, truly is, where the heart resides.
Put some boundaries down right from the start - if you accept rent than he has legal righs - if you do not and stipulate he is a GUEST IN YOUR HOUSE and therefore has to abide by your rules and guidelines for sharing - and is easier for you if things do go wrong as paying rent - ties you up in legal knots you may live to regret and that could also give him a leg up legally in any dispute.
Make sure it is loud and clear what your house rules are and even go so far as to write them out and get him to sign them, extreme as this sounds, Judge Judy has so many cases of mixed messages shared between family that causes confusion and troubles and if in writing, it is clear and it is precise.
2) You say no, and you may use his homophobic past behaviour as an excuse, but you may regret this and if things really go belly up for him, you could be held responsible and so, digging that hole deeper.
You can choose to be the bigger man here and you can choose to educate your son in a great many ways as he is a captive audiance and this could be the making of your relationship with him.
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