Did we do enough

This is the question we keep asking ourselves concerning the customer who died on us this week.

Over and over we keep thinking, re living, reviewing, dreaming when we can sleep and it constantly goes over and over in your head , creating stress and anxiety, doubt and self reflection.

Could we have done more ?

Should we have read the signs ?

He was metaphorically screaming for help, did we do enough ?

We all go through this kind of self torture when something dramatic happens and we beat ourselves up - over something that all too often you have no control over at all, but it still sticks in your mind, your throat and your gut and you feel a bit numb, you are not quite in the right place and I suppose you have a form of shock going on - and you don't cry as you are too numb for that.

You replay it over and over again in your minds eye and at night when you try and sleep, it's consumes you wholly and sleep evades.

The three of us here who were involved did find the funny side of the tragedy as you have to and anyone saying different is wrong. As a bereavement therapist, I always would remind my patients to look for the funny things, the funny memories and not the doom and gloom memories as they drag you downwards in a spiral of sadness and depression and ' could I have done more' - and there is no way out of that hole. Being positive and praising what you DID do, how you were there when no one else was - reminds us that if the situation was reversed, I would hope someone was there for me as well.

It has been a traumatic week for Gary, Woody and myself and we shall talk, and we will cry, and we will wonder WTF as we will wonder how he came to be so abandoned and so alone while we know the answer to that - people pull away from drunks especially as in this case, he lied to my face and within minutes was buying booze after shaking my hand and saying he as going straight to bed and would not buy anything further to drink. People living with that get sickened themselves and HAVE to pull away if and when it damages their life story - and as tragic as it is, and as much as you beat yourself up about ' could I have done more'- - you have to realise you did what you could and the rest, sadly, was up to them.

You cannot live their lives for them.

You cannot be 'on guard' 24/7

You have to trust them to do the right thing.

Alcoholism is a mental health concern - not just an addiction, and as saddened as I have been all week remembering my own sister who died of booze aged 38... it damned well annoys the way Cannabis is so vilified while booze - which kills thousands and thousands while Cannabis DOES NOT - is legal and valued... and THAT is the horror.

We will get over and move on as we have to, with new guests in and they do not want to hear all this so we carry on as before and put it in the backs of our minds and when we put our head on our selective pillows at night, that is when it returns to haunt and that is when we pray that this never happens to us personally.

W care all a bit sad this week.

John Bellamy