DATING A MUCH OLDER MAN
- John Bellamy
- Jun 30, 2020
- 10 min read
It's a different world than when I was 16. I am glad to be older - glad to be more mature - glad to have lived through the birth, the life and now the coming death, of the gay scene.
If you've decided that you’d like a finely aged wine, instead of a can of larger, then maybe it’s time you considered dating an older man.
When I was 16 my first lover was 42 and we lived together for over 8 years. There are many benefits to dating older men that you may have over looked.
However:- My lover at 16 - being 26 years older than myself at 42 - I can now look back and say he
' DIDN'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE'.
As a 16 year old back in 1971, I was very naive compared to today. At 16 I had no idea what the word gay meant ( just happy ) and knew absolutely nothing at all about sex - as there was no porn, no mags, no education, nothing at all for a kid of 16 to learn from, so I learned from my older man lover, but looking back - he was a dip shit - a wonderful educated man - a kind and thoughtful man but when it came to thinking about me - as far as how to treat - how to behave - how to guide a young lover decades younger than himself - how to be a good role model - or even a Father figure. Absolutely useless.
( Here I am in my early 30's so you can imagine how at 16 , I was a dish...)
I was suppose to just move in and get on as if I knew the rules, knew what to do and knew how a relationship between two men worked, and he was useless at guiding me on that journey and I often felt abaondoned by him while inside of a relationship.
I was extremly lucky as he was a wonderful man, just in so many ways he didn't have a clue. Innocently - not on purpose, but I was often hurt by his thoughtlessness but then, as an older man, he had tons of things on his mind I was completely unaware of at 16 that now - as the older man myself, - I get - I understand and appreciate now, why and where he was at, in all ways. Shame he didn't think to include me in that as I now look back and realise I was always - ALWAYS - even then - destined to be light years ahead of him in so many ways. So many ways. Not out of arrogance, just the truth.
Older men bring a lot more to the table and many younger guys are in search of the security an older man can offer.
They are better at sex. ( sometimes ) and can teach a youngster a lot.
They are not in such a hurry to 'cum' - and enjoy the journey.
They can only 'cum' once a night.
They own their own home.
They own their own car but don't like driving at night.
They are usually fairly well off financially.
They have learned not to trust young men with their money.
They remember when Bare Backing was the norm and pre HIV.
They remember side cars on motorbikes.
We remember actors from decades ago and realise hot hot they were.
They remember when policemen were friendly and polite and everyone knew and saw and spoke to the local bobby on his beat.
Older generations remember the Police using blue Panda Cars.
They survived the HIV pandemic of the 80's and 90's.
They are no ones fool.
They witnessed gay life going from illegal under 21 - to legal over 16.
They use long words and can spell them.
They have had all their shots.
They stand up to bullies.
They remember Petra being the first TV pet on Blue Peter in 1962.
They remember the early Gay Pride Marches which had a powerful political theme demanding change.
They remember the gay community when it really was a gay community, unlike today.
Their personalities have been fine tuned.
They cannot walk as fast or as far.
They remember Lulu in her hay day.
They get exactly what they want, if a little slower.
They know where everything is in Tesco.
They canot see as far without their glasses.
They eat less and more often.
They enjoy an afternoon nap.
Many are in bed by 10pm or the complete opposite - up until 2 - 3 am watching TV.
They need less sleep in one period.
They have no patience for bullshit.
Their short term memory is not always very good.
They can remember decades ago with crystal clarity
They sing songs younger generations have heard their parents / grand parents singing.
They have learned tollerance and patience.
They may never have learned tollerance and / or patience - not yet.
They use catch phrases from TV shows decades past.
They talk about famous people younger generations have never heard of.
They get most the answers correct when watching a TV quiz show.
They give to charity.
They learned that the public are still largely uneducated when it comes to LGBT and things are getting much better in the UK and most of Europpe, but sadly - not if you live in the USA or one of 72 other countries where being LGBT is illegal still.
They cry at sad movies.
They have credit cards.
They have been to more funerals than the younger one has years of his life.
They pay for dinners out.
They are good at Pub Quizes.
They learned that the USA is plagued with idiots who become President. Raegan - Bush - Trump - and they despair.
They learned that lesbians and gay men have absolutely nothing in common at all.
They spend all night doing once what they use to spend all night doing multiple times.
They know how to deal with garage mechanics and builders bullshitting them.
They are not afraid to speak their mind.
They laugh at the attitude offerd by younger guys as immature.
They only see some friends at funerals.
They have been driving more years than someones waist size in inches.
Some, like me, have had more sexual partners than a man of 65 has had days of his life. Go get your calculator and check - we'll wait ..... ( 23,725 ) and yes, it is actually more than that.
They have learned how vacuous the LGBT scene really is.
They remember gay icons like Bryan Derbyshire and Al Parker.
They remember when the gay media was worthy, unlike the crap they serve up as news today.
They remember a friendly gay scene before so much fucked up attitude and drugs ruined it for many.
They enjoy the company of younger people as it helps keep them alive and fresh.
Younger people like the company of older people as they are so wise and wonderful.
Older people watch documentaries and 'The Proms' and listen to Radio 4.
Older people can go without sex.
Older people invented all the modern mobile phones and computers that all young people are glued to 24/7.
Older is better at most things than younger people as they are not in such a hurry and can take their time.
If you are a rich older man, the sky is the limit, as long as you are fully aware it is often not you personally they are after, nor your big dick - but the money and things you can buy them and they can - sadly too often - con you out of assuming you are desperate and a moron.
I have pictures somewhere of me like this, with my much older lover when I was still a teenager and I look back on them and re4aoise how quickly the years have gone and I have become the older - much older - man in just a few blinks of an eye. It has gone so fast. So enjoy who ever and what ever you choose to hook your anchor to in life and always be aware than nothing is eternal and nothing lasts and change is a good thing. Older men may be older and slower, but they have the experience so many younger generations completely lack and more to the point, seem destined not to learn.
The younger generations suffers from too much attitude. Too much arrogance. To much thinking they are God's Gift and too much into themselves all the time and how can anyone get close when their face is in the mobile all the time looking for the next shag on grindr.
Too much concern on how many followers they have ( from complete strangers ) on social media giving their life ( empty ) meaning.
I took a LGBT Cruise a couple of years ago and had a ball. Absolutely no sex - and a load of empty shallow queens, and many deeply fucked up, hurt, sad, lonely and desperate young guys who so desperately you coud see were lost and confused by a scene that does not really support unless you are mega rich, hung like a horse or famous. If you are none of these then the gay scene can be a treacherous place for many. Absolutely lethal. It can suck you in and spit you out in a second.
It's a different world and I am glad to be older, glad to be more mature., glad to have lived through the birth, the life and now the coming death, of the gay scene as it homogonises with the straight world and becomes so acceptable, being LGBT will - one of these days hopefully, not be an issue with anyone.
Well, maybe in another 75 years maybe.
John Bellamy
-----------------------------------------------
Your e mails:
John: I lived for 45 years with the same man. I was 22 and he was 52 when we met and we enjoyed a great deal together. It was hard for me towards the end as he grew older and I wanted to go out and party but knew my place was with him, so I did feel at the time I was missing out. I grew to hate him but afraid to leave as it was all I knew and he knew how I felt and did everything he could to make things right, and this was just my stuff to sort. We got through it and when I was ill with Hep A. I truly realised then what a difference it was having an older lover as he looked after me like no young guy would have a clue. I learned a lot from that period about sympathy, empathy and tollerance. He was wonderful and I was ill for a good 6 month period. He supported me financially at that time as well. I then became HIV Positive ( not through him ) and his understanding was amazing - and looking back he came to every hospital appointment with me, sat up at nights helping me through the nights of heaving down the toilet ( '80's when AZT was all there was and it made so many ill )
When he died a few years ago now and I inherited everything. His family, who I knew for decades, tried to overturn the will and as they say -
' WHERE THERE IS A WILL - THERE IS A FAMILY'
and for all the love and affection they had shared over the decades - this vanished as soon as he died and they turned into homophobic bigots and threw venim at our relationship and tried to tell the family solicitor I was not ' family ' - and obviously to all - they thought they were going to get their hands on his money. They didn't. Not a single penny while costing them considerably to fight the legal system and loose. The will was air tight ( thanks to a very clever gay solicitor friend ) and as much as the family bitched and fought, there wa snothing they could do -m but try and sully his memory - our memory - our relationship, which didn't bother them when spending many Christmas' with us or the expensive gifts he would buy them all, like a car for each neice when they passed their driving test - and brand new at that.
I am now the older man and enjoying being him. If that makes sense John. I know you have been there and appreciate my words.
Timmothy E.
I lived with an older man and he grew so bitter and angry all the time. He really resented being old and constantly winged he had missed out on everything. He hated younger guys and although we were lovers, I long ago realised I was there as an unpaid carer, for I got a nce home, use of the car and everything for the 10 years we were together. His bitterness just go worse and worse and I stayed as no one else would put up with him and at the end, he left his estate - to someone I had never even heard of - ever - and that old bastard, that miserable old cunt, left me out of his will after spending so much time and consideration on the old fool. Not even a mention in his will. Not even a single word. SDo I am angry at the old cunt, really angry, that I allowed this to happen and where I honestly thought better of him than to use me like that. Now everytime I talk about him., his first name is always THAT OLD CUNT...
Angry, you bet.
Colin.
My much older lover died in my arms John. He was frail and had a mild dose of dementia and he slipped away one evening while we cuddled watching telly in bed together and - where I knew what was happening. He liked me chatting away, so we were - and when it went deathly silent, I knew he had gone.
Loved him dearly and it was such a honour to have been there when he passed, to have enjoyed years together and to carry so many happy memories of this sweert, kind old man in my heart always.
Thanks Geoff for the life we had. With love always. Robert.,
Dated a much older man than myself. I was 22 - he was 72. Family thought I was mad. Moved to Malta to live with him back in the 70's. Many questioned but we were truly in love. Truly. He died when he was 84 so we enjoyed 12 years together and his failing health for the last couple of years - he had me there to look after him instead of anonymous nurses.
He left me everything. His familyy contested. The judge ruled in my favour. It was millions - hence the family kicking up. They got nothing. I gave them all small legacies to get them off my back. His family were all about the money. My family was pleased I had found happiness aftyer their initial worries. It worked for us and now I am the olde rman with the younger n=boyfriend and I am making damnes dure my last will is water tight and my family or anyone cannot contest it. Older man have more experience. Gary.
Comments