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I was in my sex dungeon one evening - when -


I was in my sex dungeon one evening. It was painted black, with mirrors and chains, sex equipment and the whole room reeked of sex as there was nothing at all there to take you away from sex – no pictures on the wall, no pretty curtains or wall paper – just a black room with small red spotlights and the room was full of mirrors, chains, harnesses, whips, canes, straps, paddles, ball weights, handcuffs, various suspension harness, ropes, a glory hole, rubber, leather and even lace clothing, dildoes and butt plugs, clamps, rubber body suit, nipple clamps, and tons of other stuff that would scare many.

It was all about hard and heavy sex. Pure and simple.



It is where I earned a fortune.


It was one of the best dungeon play rooms available.


With a good sound system and amazing music that I had spent a great deal of time and effort editing together to set just the scene, this was a fantasy room for sex. Pure and simple.


The lights were dim, the music was quiet and the atmosphere was thick with sexual energy. I was laying on my back with my legs in the stirrups getting fisted.


I had smoked a couple of spliffs and taken a bit of LSD, which opens the conscious mind to alternative realities of consciousness, and I was relaxed and chilled.

I was aware that I was looking up at one of the red spotlights over to my left on the ceiling – and as I lay there flat on my back, I could no longer feel my body at all. I was no longer ‘ in the body’.


I was in an out of body state, floating in the universe of blackness with thousands of pin point silver stars far off. I was also aware of the red spot light, so was still in my conscious head space. Slowly, the spotlight turned into a white gold light. It was now so much brighter than before but so easy to look straight into without straining. Through half open eyes, I watched as a ring of light, white gold and intense, came from the light and came towards me, and as it seemed to flow through my very being, all I could feel physically was two tears, down each side of my face.


I could feel nothing else at all..


How to describe what happened next is hard, as at that moment I knew I was with God. The feelings of unconditional love was throughout my very being. I knew then, as I truly know now, that every thought, every molecule, every part of my very being was completely unconditionally loved. Not judged. Loved. Unconditionally.


The tears flowed.


In those seconds, minutes, I knew that God unconditionally loved me and did not judge me for anything – as we judge ourselves – God does not.


The feelings of ‘ love thyself’ was strong.


Things slowly changed and I was aware of hundreds of pieces of a puzzle floating in this space – all with a different little video, each showing a different aspect of my spiritual life throughout my years since childhood. Hundreds of puzzle pieces, too many to concentrate on any one piece and too many to comprehend the meaning of – but I knew this was my spiritual life so far, and it was like an unmade puzzle and in this form – complicated and the message lost.


The tears still flowed.

Then the pieces slowly came together to formulate one picture. Don’t ask me what it was of as I have no idea, it was a metaphor – an application of meaning, and the meaning was that throughout my life and the many odd things, strange things and psychic things that had happened since childhood, of all the spiritual reading and beliefs I had studied and talked about and read and – to be honest, was a little confused with – as it all seemed so different – from the Knights Templars to Astrology – Mary Magdalene to Healing – Meditation to Buddhism – Palm Reading – the Dead Sea Scrolls – Aliens and cloning – Climate Change and so much more – and as the pieces came together I knew what it all meant. All of it.


Again the tears flowed.


I had spent my life running around madly reading all sorts of stuff, attending workshops, asking questions and studying – but it all seemed so distant and unrelated – and there in that moment in ‘no time’ the answer filled my awareness that – it was all part of the same thing.


Call it anything you like, it was all part of the same thing, all related and all part of the whole. There was no need to see it fragmented into different categories of different faith and beliefs, or even no faith at all and non-belief, it didn’t matter, it is all part of the same thing, regardless.


God is love. Period. Nothing else.


The tears flowed more as the pieces of the puzzle, in my minds eye, explained how this worked for me.

Then it was as if my conscious mind took a step back as the picture before me seemed to grow larger and larger, filling most of vision of awareness, and in that instant it was as if something downloaded in to my conscious mind – a knowing, a one-ness with ‘all that is ‘ – and an understanding of oneness with everything – outside of time and reason – and I understood in that moment – why. Why I am here. What I was to do further. What is was all about and what my part in the bigger picture was to be. Why humanity existed at all and what our relationship with God is for.

The tears flowed.

I was unaware of even breathing. I was unaware of anything at all except the tears flowing down the sides of my face.

The white gold light turned slowly back to a red glow and as I took one large gasp for air, I was aware once again of the room around me, my physical body, and the reality of where I actually was and at the same time, where I had actually been.


I started to laugh, and cry at the same time…


‘Nigel, sorry I have to stop. I need a break.’


I was crying and giggling out loud.


‘Oh Nigel, oh fuck Nigel, if you only knew where I have just been,.. Oh my God… oh fuck … ‘


I kept giggling as Nigel stopped what he was doing and asking if I was okay, responded that


‘ Oh Fuck Nigel… let me get down and write some stuff down. I need a break. I am fine, absolutely.’


He knew me and the funny things I would talk about on these evenings and how I would scrawl all sorts of stuff down after. He appreciated where I was at and just sat with his drink on the floor, rolling a spliff and letting me be with my pen and paper….


So we sat and smoked another spliff while I wrote for the next 20 minutes or so. I tried to explain to him what had just happened, thoughts raced through my mind, answers to unasked questions, formats and reasons, concepts and alternatives, real and imagined, flowed and swam in my mind as I scrawled them down the best I could before they swam away from my memory to be lost.


I knew that on some level of awareness I had been with an energy we call God and the unconditional love – the whole experience, was not the drugs, not a hallucination, not a dream or my imagination, this had been real.


Some years later I was told a story by an elderly women in her 80’s that she said she had never shared with anyone before, but thought I would understand.


She had lost 2 babies to cot death back in the 1960’s, and one winters afternoon while standing at her kitchen sink, looking out of the window at the frosty day, she saw what she thought was a ball of lightening outside in the garden. Having never seen anything like it before, she stared – and it moved through the garden, through the closed window and sink and enveloped her. It was a ball of white gold light and she stood there crying quietly to herself, eyes closed, encompassed in what she described as ‘Unconditional love – the likes of which she had never experienced before’ – and that when it went, she knew that life would always be okay, she would survive, that there was a reason for everything and even in her grief, there was love.

Throughout her many years that followed, every time she felt lost and confused about where her life was headed, she would remember back to that moment, she would re connect to that feeling and remember the power and the passion of being unconditionally loved by – what she described as the ‘Universal Spirit of God’. She knew then that religions were not the way forward as they are all too conditional – too full of damnation and man made evils to keep us in line, whereas after this experience, it set her free to follow her own path, believing in a God of love and not a vengeful spiteful God of the Bible.


It just happens sometimes. No one can explain how or why. Like her, it changed my life and it set me on a path where I opened up to more ( and yes, it has happened a few more times since, different in each way, and beautiful in its simplicity. ) For life is simple. Everything is simple. We just run around in circles complicating it all the time.

Later that evening, something downloaded into my consciousness to start a group and call it GSG, and I immediately knew it means the Gay Spiritual Group. Within a month I had an advert in the gay press and within a few weeks of that, I had 19 members attend my first social get-together, and within 6 months, I had 500 members.


Some people say that it was all just a hallucination;- when I say - they have never had such an experience and so have to deny it - make it out to be nothing at all, and that just shows me that they haven't ever experienced an an enlightened moment and need to damn those who do out of fear, resentment, envy - call it what you will, it was a life changing experience I have never forgotten. Period. -------------------------------


Have you ever had an experience you could not fathom, but it changed your life forever. Changed your outlook... ??


Share it with us here.


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