Sometimes you just have to laugh.
- gaymen2
- Sep 13
- 5 min read
Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. – Michael, 14
Never tell your mom her diet's not working. – Michael, 14
Stay away from prunes. – Randy, 9
Never pee on an electric fence. – Robert, 13
Don't squat with your spurs on. – Noronha, 13
Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. – Emily, 10
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. – Taylia, 11
Never allow your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment. – Traci, 14
Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. – Mitchell, 12
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. – Andrew, 9
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. – Kyoyo, 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. – Armit, 9
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. – Kellie, 11
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. – Naomi, 15
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. – Lauren, 9
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. – Joel, 10
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. – Ayesha, 13
Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen, 8
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7. Is that a mirror in your pocket ?Because I can see myself in your pants.
8. Which animal has the largest chest ? A Z-bra
.9. How does a wiener go camping ? In a Wiener-bago.
10. My wife asked me to spoon in bed, but I’d rather fork.
11. What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam ? Only one has nuts.
12. What does the horny toad say ? Rub it.
13. What do you call a nanny with breast implants ? A faux-pair.
14. What does a hot dog use for protection?Condoments. Related:
15. What does a robot do after a one-night stand ? He nuts and bolts.
16. What is a long, wide thing that men carry ? A tie.
17. Who is Cogsworth’s best friend ? His candlestick.
18. What do you call an Italian hooker ? A pasta-tute.
19. What did Pongo and Perdita say after they did the deed ? “That hit the spot.”
20. Are you a pie?Because I’d like a piece of you.
21. How did the police catch the naked man breaking into Zales?They grabbed him by the jewels.
22. What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow woman ? Snowballs.Related:
23. What did Winnie-the-Pooh say to his new love interes t? Show me the honey.
24. Want to hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in a mud puddle. Want to hear a clean joke? The white horse took a bath.
25. What gets wetter when things get steamy ? Steamboats.
26. What’s six inches long and has two nuts at the end?An Almond Joy.
27. Why did the male chicken wear underwear on its head?Because its pecker was on its face.
28. Can I watch TV? Yes, but don’t turn it on.
29. Why did the ranch blush ? He saw the salad dressing.
30. What’s hot, pink and wet?A pig in a hot tub.
31. Why couldn’t the lizard get a girlfriend?Because he had a reptile dysfunction.Related:
Dirty Jokes for Her
32. Why are men like popcorn?They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
33. Why did the fish blush?It saw the ocean’s bottom.
34. What kind of bees produce milk ? Boo-bees.
35. What’s the difference between ‘Oooh!’ and ‘Aaah!’ ? About three inches.
36. What holds your buns firmly and makes them look round and pretty ? A hair tie.
37. What is Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out ? Wendy’s.Related:
38. Why did the mermaid wear seashells ? She outgrew her b-shells.
39. Why is a one-night stand with a man like a snowstorm ? You never know how long it’ll last.
40. A couple were snuggling, and his wife said softly, “Speaking of fantasies, how about the one of you ironing?”
41. What do you play with at night that also vibrates ? A cell phone.
42. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?Because they won’t stop to ask for directions.
43. What’s in a man’s pants that you won’t find in a girl’s pants ? Pockets.
44. What did one boob say to the other boob ? “If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.”
45. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball ?She gagged.Related:
Short and Funny Dirty Jokes for Adults
46. A cow has four, but a woman only has two. What am I ? Legs.
47. Why did the sperm cross the road ? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
48. What did Nala say to Simba ? Hakuna my tatas.
49. Do you work at Dick’s ? Because you’re sporting the goods.
50. Do you believe in karma?Because I know some “Karma” Sutra positions we can try.
51. What’s the difference between a woman’s husband and her boyfriend ? 60 minutes.
52. Were your parents bakers?They should have been because you’ve got a nice set of buns.
53. Is your car battery dead ? Because I’d really like to jump you.
54. Did you butt dial me ? I swear your booty is calling me.
55. Why did Popeye punch the Pope ? He heard he went to Mount Olive.
56. What’s the difference between a microwave and a woman ? A man will actually press and pull a microwave’s buttons and knobs.
57. Are you Little Caesars ? Because I’m hot and I’m ready.
58. Are you a Slytherin?I hope so, because I really want you to slither into my Chamber of Secrets.
59. What’s the difference between you and an egg ? An egg gets laid.
60. Are you a trampoline?Because I’d really like to bounce on you.Related:
61. Are you a sea lion ?Because I can see you lion in my bed tonight.
62. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree ? Hold on to your nuts.
63. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread ? I want you inside me.
64. Are you a firefighter ? Because you make me hot and leave me wet.
65. Wanna know something about Pinocchio ? His nose isn’t the only piece of wood that grows.
66. What do you call a horny cow ? Beef jerky.
67. Why did the squirrel swim on its back ? To keep its nuts dry.
68. I can be short or long, and women usually demand my full attention. What am I ? A conversation.
69. Are you a light switch ? Because you turn me on.
70. What’s two inches wide, six inches long and makes everyone go crazy ? A $100 bill.
71. Are you my homework ? Because I’m not doing you when I definitely should be.
72. What is furry and peeking out of your pajamas at night ? A person’s head.
73. Are you a Rubik’s Cube ? Because the more I play with you, the harder you get.
74. What’s made of rubber, handed out at some schools and exists to prevent mistakes ? Erasers.
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