It's all gone too fast.
- gaymen2
- Aug 22
- 6 min read
John Bellamy shares some memories:
John Bella
Facebook flashed something up this week with a name I have not heard in 8 years, since he died aged just 52.
Stewart Barlow,
a local friend of mine here In Bournemouth who was much loved and respected as a counsillor / therapist who helped many - and worked in a hospice. We always hit it off as I have a background - loosely - in psychology and he knew he could talk to me about 'stuff' and we counselled each other.
One afternoon, while teaching the nurses etc. at the hospice how to cope with bereavement, he took it one step further to make it a real ' hands on affair' as he had a heart attack right in the middle of the workshop and was dead on the floor after the paramedics worked on him for - I believe 45 minutes.
At east he was in the right place - a hospice - so gained immediate care but it was not enough and he died. He was 52. His Father had died aged 52 of a heart attack as well, so the writing was on the wall, and he was such a young man.
I visited his facebook page and left a sweet message and it got me thinking how - without any of us realizing, what kind of affect - what kind of legacy and what mind of memories we leave behnd for those who survive us and who will - with hope - remember us with great affection and will even talk about us long after we have kicked the bucket.
For many of you, your Grand kids will remember and talk and carry your memory onwards, and for those who like me never had kids and other than my actions in life - who I touch on, who I share with, what I achieve and leave behind as some kind of legacy - eventually with time, like Bryan Derbyshire, someone may - one day in the distant future, write a piece about this Nut called John Bellamy who ran this amazing spiritual - sexual and self development retreat exclusively for men and was the first of its kind - anywhere - and few, if any - will remember me.
I talk about and mention in this Newsletter ocasionally - BRYAN DERBYSHIRE - who most of you have never even heard of yet was a VERY powerful gay rights advocate and publisher of one of the first male nude magazines for gay men in the country called HIM. He latterly owned 'The Stable Master' - a small B&B in Amsterdamn with slings and sex stuff in all the rooms and a bar downstairs that was a naked bar for sex, and I have many happy memories from there and after his death - it seems as if it is ' ALL CHANGE' as new people move in, a new direction for the planet and we - go along for the ride.
He was very well known 'on the scene' and yet 30 years after his death no one has a clue who Bryan Derbyshire was and what he achieved THAT HELPS GAY MEN TODAY WITH THE EQUALITY HE LARGELY ASSISTED IN CREATING.
Those who live on - get on with their daily lives - a little different from the loss - a little questioning about how they treated the person when alive and could they have done more, coud they have been a better friend - or even any feelings of remorse and loss will make us question.
I asked myself a thousand times after my sister died of alcoholism nearly 40 years ago, did I do enough, and the answer has to be, yes, I did my best, and while I can now question if my best was actually good enough - I have to admit to myself that I did what I did and it was the best I had available to me back then, and as I cannot change it - accept what was done and move on. You cannot beat yourself up for something you should have done but didn't - just promise yourself that if anything like this happens again, you will act differently as you have learned from experience.
Experience is the most valuable tool any of us can obtain and why so many youngsters with degrees for everything are actually useless as they have all the knowledge, but fuc all in common sense and EXPERIENCE.
It's a bit like going to see a Bereavement Therapist who may have a degree etc. but who has never yet lost someone, never atteded a funeral, never experienced that feeling of utter loss and emptiness, the regrets and the mourning. So how can he has the faintest clue what you are going through without sounding patronising as they simply ' don't get it.'
Experience counts for more than you can possible imagine.
I turned 70 this last April and while I went through my Mid Life Crisis when I approached 60 - now I sit and remember all those I have lost over the years, and not just the scores of people I knew who died of HIV / AIDS back in the '80's and '90's, but all those who died from natural causes like Stewart - and how young so many were. Besides the various customers at Hamilton Hall who were regular visitors for many years until, we sadly, hear of their death and we do feel grief and we do feel sad and we do talk about them and share their stories - and this helps keep their memory alive and they are not ghosts in the machine, but living, breathing caring people who - are simply - no longer with us - they have moved on - and we may very well see them again one day.
But: I have had decades more breathing, heart pounding, thinking, evaluating and living life longer than so many people I knew and I am still here, mad as a March Hare and still doing what I have a passion for doing, and still remembering and keeping their memories alive - and as I get older - I truly appreciate people more and want the best for them as I know how quickly it can all stop - one minute teaching a class and the next dead on the floor.
The sad thing is, at a time when many see me as invisible, the old man, the OAP and how we simply vanish in society - THIS IS THE TIME I HAVE DISCOVERED MYSELF , and I like myself, and am wise and wonderful -( to a point -) and have grown into the person I - maybe - hoped to be, with a few flaws ( just a few you understand - ha ha ) and I like being me, and it's just a shame it comes so late in life.
So it is good to remember and feel sad for the loss, even decades after, and helps keep their memory alive but do not get bogged down in the memories and loose yourself in it. That is not good for you - so stay strong and stay happy.
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One day, a guy came into the cafe asking me for some money. I looked at him and asked, "Why don’t you have a job? You know nothing is given to me for free, right?" He said, "Well, I have a lot of felonies, and no one wants to hire me because of that. So now, I have to turn to the streets and get money by stealing and asking for help."
That day, I was short-staffed, so I asked him, "Do you want to work? I have a job for you!" His eyes lit up, and his smile made my day! He said, "I’ll do anything for some food."
So, for almost two weeks now, he’s been showing up on time for his two-hour shift, helping with trash, washing dishes, and more. When I pay him, guess what he does? He buys food from my restaurant and pays for it because it makes him feel good! And I even give him a discount!
It’s a reminder to do something nice for someone and not judge them just because they’re asking for money. We don’t know their situation. Some people just need another chance. God gave me this blessing, so why can’t I share it with others? 😜 This is the kind of thing that should be shared everywhere. If we want change, we have to start by making one. 😉
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