jokes galore...
A husband sends a text to his wife.
Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife’s Response:
Who is Tina?
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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
“I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu
Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer
I'll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.
He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
“Ah, yes, that's what I'll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen
The cook happens to be the owner's wife
He tells her what had just happened
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
“Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man.” “I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you
I'll go get you a dirty fork.”
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man
After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great
I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen
He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.”
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
“Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..
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A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a supermarket.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticised everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, “Just a stupid can of peaches.”
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, “I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store.”
The judge asked how many peach pieces were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, “Nine! But why do you care about that?”
The judge answered patiently, “Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail — one day for each peach.”
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, “Yes sir, what do you have to add?”
The husband said meekly, “Your Honour, she also stole a can of peas.”
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“I can't speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doctor.
“There's a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing,” explains the doctor
“Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn't hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking he thinks to himself, “What a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks“What's for dinner honey?
No answer
He moves closer.
“What's for dinner honey?”
Still no answer
He moves even closer.
“What's for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn't answer
He now sees how serious her hearing problem is at this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What's for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH DANG TIME ALBERT, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!”
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The late king of a known Kingdom had ten wild dogs.
He used them to torture and eat any of his servants who made a mistake.
One of the servants gave an opinion which was wrong, and the king didn't like it at all.
So he ordered that the servant be thrown to the dogs.
The servant said, “I served you for ten years, and you do this to me? Please give me ten days before throwing me to those dogs!” The king agreed.
In those ten days, the servant went to the guard who looks after the dogs and told him he would like to serve the dogs for the next ten days.
The guard was baffled but agreed, and the servant started feeding the dogs, cleaning for them, bathing them, and providing all sorts of comfort for them.
When the ten days were over, the king ordered that the servant be thrown to the dogs for his punishment.
When he was thrown in, we were all amazed to see the ravenous dogs only licking the feet of the servant!
The king, baffled at what he was seeing, said, ”What has happened to my dogs?”
The servant replied, “I served the dogs for only ten days, and they didn't forget my service
Yet I served you for a whole ten years and you forgot all, at my first mistake!”
The king realised his mistake and ordered the servant to be set free.
This post is a message to all those who forget the good things a person did for them as soon as the person makes a mistake towards them.
Don't put out the history that is filled with good because of a mistake you don't like.
Hope I made sense?
Food for thought!
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A couple was about to celebrate 50 years together
Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents.
As usual, they were all late and had varied excuses
“Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one
“Sorry, I'm running late… I just didn't have the time to get you a present.”
“No worries,” said Dad
“The important thing is that we're all together.”
Son number two arrived and announced, “Just flew in from L.A
and didn't have time to get you anything… I'm sorry.”
“It's nothing,” said the father, “just glad you could be here today.”
The daughter arrived
“Happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but I've been out of town and didn't bring a present.”
Again the father said, “I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today.”
Later, during dinner, the father put down his fork, looked up and said, “Listen, you three, there's something your mother and I need to tell you.
We came to this country penniless and desperate
Despite this, we were able to raise you and send you to college
But we never got around to getting married.”
The three kids gasped and said, in unison, “You mean we're BAST**DS?”
“Yep,” said the dad
“And cheap ones, too!”
------------------------
Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time
Every day he was five, ten or fifteen minutes late.
But as he was a good worker and very sharp, the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it
Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk.
“Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player
That's what I like to hear
It's odd though, your coming in late
I know you're retired from the Air Force
What did they say if you came in late there?”
“They said, ‘Good morning, General'.”
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A dude with his pants hanging half off his butt, two gold front teeth, cell phone in his hand and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque. He marched up to the counter and said,
”Hey man - You know, I just HATE drawing welfare - I'd really rather have a job I don't like taking advantage of the system and gettin' somethin' for nothin'.”
The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say…
but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her s*xual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong s*x drive.”
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You're bullshittin' me!”
The social worker said, “Yeah, well… You started it.” …..
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1. Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.
2. Why did the snowman suddenly smile? He could see the snow blower coming.
3. Why did the weatherman’s cheeks turn pink? He saw the climate change.
4. What did Nala say to Simba in bed? Move fasta (Mufasa).
5. What did Cinderella say to Prince Charming? “Want to see if it fits?”
6. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
Dirty Dad Jokes
7. Which animal has the largest chest? A Z-bra
8. Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.
9. How does a wiener go camping? In a Wiener-bago.
10. My wife asked me to spoon in bed, but I’d rather fork.
11. What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam? Only one has nuts.
12. What does the horny toad say? Rub it.
13. What do you call a nanny with breast implants? A faux-pair.
14. What does a hot dog use for protection? Condoments.
15. What does a robot do after a one-night stand? He nuts and bolts.
16. What is a long, wide thing that men carry? A tie.
17. Who is Cogsworth’s best friend? His candlestick.
18. What do you call an Italian hooker? A pasta-tute.
19. What did Pongo and Perdita say after they did the deed? “That hit the spot.”
20. Are you a pie? Because I’d like a piece of you.
21. How did the police catch the naked man breaking into Zales? They grabbed him by the jewels.
22. What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs.
23. What did Winnie-the-Pooh say to his new love interest? Show me the honey.
24. Want to hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in a mud puddle. Want to hear a clean joke? The white horse took a bath.
25. What gets wetter when things get steamy? Steamboats.
26. What's 6 inches long and has 2 nuts at the end? An Almond Joy.
27. Why did the male chicken wear underwear on its head? Because its pecker was on its face.
28. Can I watch TV? Yes, but don't turn it on.
29. Why did the ranch blush? He saw the salad dressing.
30. What’s hot, pink and wet? A pig in a hot tub.
31. Why couldn’t the lizard get a girlfriend? Because he had a reptile dysfunction.
Dirty Jokes for Her
32. Why did the fish blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.
33. Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
34. What kind of bees produce milk? Boo-bees.
35. What's the difference between 'Oooh!' and 'Aaah!'? About three inches.
36. What holds your buns firmly and makes them look round and pretty? A hair tie.
37. What is Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out? Wendy’s.
38. Why did the mermaid wear seashells? She outgrew her b-shells.
39. Why is a one-night stand with a man like a snowstorm? You never know how long it’ll last.
40. A couple were snuggling and his wife said softly, “Speaking of fantasies, how about the one of you ironing?”
41. What do you play with at night that also vibrates. A cell phone.
42. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask for directions.
43. What’s in a man’s pants that you won’t find in a girl’s pants? Pockets.
44. What does one boob say to the other boob?“ If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.”
45. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged.
Funny Dirty Jokes for Adults
46. What did Nala say to Simba? Hakuna my tatas.
47. Why did the sperm cross the road?Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
48. A cow has 4, but a woman only has 2. What am I? Legs.
49. Do you work at Dick’s? Because you’re sporting the goods.
50. Do you believe in karma? Because I know some “Karma” Sutra positions we can try.
51. What's the difference between a woman's husband and her boyfriend? 60 minutes.
52. Were your parents bakers? They should have been because you’ve got a nice set of buns.
53. Is your car battery dead? Because I’d really like to jump you.
54. Did you butt dial me? I swear your booty is calling me.
55. Why did Popeye punch the Pope? He heard he went to Mount Olive.
56. What’s the difference between a microwave and a woman? A man will actually press and pull a microwave’s buttons and knobs.
57. Are you Little Caesars? Because I’m hot and I’m ready.
58. Are you a Slytherin? I hope so, because I really want you to slither into my Chamber of Secrets.
59. What’s the difference between you and an egg? An egg gets laid.
60. Are you a trampoline? Because I’d really like to bounce on you.
61. Are you a sea lion? Because I can see you lion in my bed tonight.
62. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts.
63. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I want you inside me.
64. Are you a firefighter? Because you make me hot and leave me wet.
65. Wanna know something about Pinocchio? His nose isn’t the only piece of wood that grows.
66. What do you call a horny cow? Beef jerky.
67. Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry.
68. I can be short or long and women usually demand my full attention. What am I? A conversation.
69. Are you a light switch ? Because you turn me on.
70. What’s two inches wide, six inches long and makes everyone go crazy? A $100 bill.
71. Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you when I definitely should be.
72. What is furry and peeking out of your pajamas at night? A person’s head.
73. Are you a Rubix cube? Because the more I play with you, the harder you get.
74. What’s made of rubber, handed out at some schools, and exists to prevent mistakes? Erasers.
Dirty Jokes for Him
75. Why did the pool table laugh? Its balls were tickled.
76. What gets longer when pulled, works best when jerks and inserts into a slot? A seatbelt.
77. I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, and she said yes – about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
78. Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.
79. What do you call an expert fisherman? A master baiter.
80. Are you a blanket ? Because I love it when you’re on top of me.
81. What did the elephant ask the naked man? How do you breathe out of that thing.
82. I get bigger each time you blow me. What am I? A balloon.
83. What’s Moby Dick’s dad’s name? Papa Boner.
84. What’s green and smells like pork? Kermit’s finger.
85. What did Pinocchio’s lover say to him?“ Lie to me!”
86. What goes up, lets out a load and then goes back down? An elevator.
87. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say to clients as they leave?“ Thanks for coming!”
Dirty Knock Knock Jokes
88. Knock knock. (Who’s there? Dentist. (Dentist who?) I heard you have some cavities that need filling?
89. Knock knock. (Who’s there?) Do you want two CDs? (Do you want two CDs who?)Do you want two CDs nudes?
90. Knock knock. (Who’s there?)When, where. (When, where, who? Tonight, my place, me and you.
91. Knock knock. (Who’s there?)Willy. (Willy who?) Willy want to see you naked.
92. Knock knock. (Who’s there?)Dewey. (Dewey who?) Dewey have a condom around.
93. Knock knock. (Who’s there?)Justin. (Justin who?) You’re Justin time to see me strip down for you.
94. Knock, knock. (Who's there?)Dozer. (Dozer who?) Dozer some great assets you got there.
95. Knock, knock. (Who’s there?)Jamaican. (Jamaican who?)Jamaican me horny.
96. Knock knock. (Who’s there?)Tara. (Tara Who?)Tara McClozoff.
97. Knock, knock. (Who's there?)Anita! (Anita who? )Anita you right now!
98. Knock, knock. (Who's there?)Orange. (Orange who?)Orange you glad this isn't actually a banana?
99. Knock, knock. (Who's there?)Amanda squeeze. (Amanda squeeze who?)You want amanda squeeze you all night?
100. Knock, knock. (Who's there?)Waiter. (Waiter who?)Just waiter I get my hands on you.
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