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dogs and books - the funnies

gaymen2
Apr 17
3 min read

An American tourist in England boards a train, he looks for a seat, but all the seats are taken. He finally sees a seat next to a woman, whose dog is sitting next to her. He asks her nicely to hold the dog or put it on the floor, she refuses, calling him a crass uncouth American for even suggesting such a thing.

He then takes the dog and throws it out the window, and sits down.

The woman makes a scene, so eventually one chap approaches them. The woman thinks she has found her champion. He says to the American ‘ 'You yanks always get it wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, hold your knife and fork wrong, and now you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out of the window”

I can't take my dog down to the local pond anymore, because the ducks keep attacking him. It's my fault for choosing a pure bread dog.
What’s the best way to stop your dog from barking in the front yard? Put him in the backyard.
Why did the poor dog chase his own tail? He was trying to make both ends meet!

I know they are bad but what the fuck.....

I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night, when the wife said to me,

“You spoil those dogs.”

The secret to life is to handle every situation like a dog:
If you can’t play with it, eat it or bury it, just pee on it and walk away.
What did the police officer do when he saw a dog giving birth on the side of the road?
He gave her a ticket for littering.

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Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her. She looks at him. They go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel looks at his watch. "Um, you have fifteen minutes left… would you care to do it again?"

He asks her, "Shall we?"

She eagerly replies, "Oh! Yes, let's! But we should change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head!"

How did the dog get from Boston to New York?

He took a Greyhound.

What did the Dalmatian say when he finished dinner? That hit the spot.
What type of zoo has only one dog? A Shih Tzu.
What’s a herding dog’s favorite game? Hide and sheep.
I do know these jokes are as bad as Christmas Cracker Jokes...

A women asks in a record store ' Do you have a record called Two Hugs and 7 Passionate Kisses ?' He answers - ' No, but I have Two Balls and Seven Inches.'

Is that a record ?' She answers

'No ' He answers ' About average.'