It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sarge walked out and yells,
"Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!"
So they close in slightly... The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it.
"DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
"No, Sir!" came the reply.
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"
There were these two friends, one who was gay, who died in a horrible car accident. They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them. St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her.
The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time."
St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven.
Now it was the second man's turn. St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied, "Actually I'm gay, but here's a picture of my lover, and I never cheated on him."
St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven.
After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other. The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your lover on a skateboard."
An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."
The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?' 😊
1. Why does Santa always come through the chimney?
Because he knows better than to try the back door.
2. Why was the snowman smiling?
He could see the snowblower coming down the street.
3. What do priests and Christmas trees have in common?
Their balls are just ornamental.
4. Why is Santa so damn jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
5. What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out to guide his sleigh?
They go into town and blow more than a few bucks.
6. What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
7. Why doesn’t Santa have kids of his own?
He only comes once a year.
8. Why did the Snowman want a divorce?
Because his wife was a total flake.
9. What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?
Santa was smart enough to stop at three hos.
10. What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?
When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
11. Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store?
He was desperate for some holiday spirit.
12. Why does Mrs. Claus always pray for a white Christmas?
Cause she married to a guy who comes once a year.
13. Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
14. What do three hos get you?
One very jolly Santa.
15. How does Santa stay STD free?
He always wraps his package before shoving it down the chimney.
16. Dreaming of a white Christmas?
Jingle my balls, baby.
17. What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs?
Whatever the hell you want. He can’t hear you.
18. I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come…
Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
19. Why does Santa go to strip clubs?
To visit all his ho ho ho’s.
20. Is your name Jingle Bells?
Cause you look ready to go all the way.
21. Wanna see the North Pole?
That’s what Mrs. Claus calls it…
22. Say your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas…
Can I visit between the holidays?
23. Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
He refused to let go of all those irritating ho’s.
24. Boy: Are you Christmas? ‘Cause I wanna merry you!
Girl: Are you Hall? Cause I wanna deck The Hall.
25. How is Christmas just like any other day at the office?
You do a bunch of work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.
26. So my girlfriend wanted a white Christmas…
But when I came on her face that morning, she didn’t even thank me.
27. You know, that’s not a candy cane in my pocket…
I’m just THAT happy to see you.
28. What do a train set and your wife’s boobs have in common?
They were both made for kids but dads can’t help playing with them.
29. How do snowmen make babies?
Snowballs, of course.
30. What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
31. What do you call a girl who cheats on you during the holidays?
A ho ho ho bag.
32. Why does Santa always land on your roof?
Because he likes it on top.
33. What does The Grinch do with a baseball bat?
Hits a gnome and runs.
34. What do you call Santa’s helpers?
35. Christmas is so stupid…
Whomever invented it should be nailed to a cross.