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Truthful Funnies & Why we say Ducks.

gaymen2
Apr 12
3 min read

Grandad goes to see the doctor;

“Hello Mr.Smith, how can we help you today?”

“Well doc, it’s about my todger.”

“Your todger…OK, what seems to be the problem?”

“Well, when I was eighteen, I couldn’t bend it at all. Then, when I was thirty five, I could bend it a little bit. I got to fifty-five, and I could bend it up at ninety degrees. Now, I’m eighty-five, and I can fold it in half”

“Yes,” says the medic, “so what’s the question?”

“Am I getting stronger?”

A tourist is in Scotland with a tour guide in the highlands. Throughout the venture, the tourist is making fun of the tour guide, mocking his accent, calling him a lowly farmer boy, and just generally being totally nasty while laughing it off as a joke.

Soon they come to a field and there is an animal the tourist does not recognize. The tour guide tells him what it is.

Suddenly the tourist says, “wait…I have two degrees from a prestigious institution and you…well, don’t. How can you call that animal a contradiction in terms?”

The tour guide looks him in the eye and says, “I did’na say it was a contradiction in terms. I said it was an OX, YA MORON!!!”

Two women waited for St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. The first woman asked the second how she ended up there. The second woman said “It was very dark and cold and I was shivering and it was unbearable. I was so cold I slowly faded from consciousness and died. What about you?”

The first woman said “I was convinced my husband was cheating on me, so I went home early from work to catch him in the act. I burst into the house but he was watching tv. I wasn’t convinced, so I tore through the house like a mad woman, looking in every room and closet and under each bed. I got so worked up I had a massive heart attack and died, so here I am.” The second woman responded “Well I sure as hell wish you would have looked in the freezer. Then we would both still be alive!”

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer...

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you must come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says. At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'