20 years coming out
I have just had a really enjoyable phone conversation that is not uncommon for me - as when I was a sex worker I got this a lot - on the phone and face to face.
Todays call was from a man far away from Bournemouth, who was married - now divorced - no kids - but thinks he may be gay - or at least attracted to men and is in his mid 50's.
We spoke for over an hour as for straight men coming out later in life as gay / gay interested - there are so many guidelines to learn and accept the difference being a straight man and a gay man, where the rules are very different.
He said he had felt this way for over 20 years but had been afraid - nervous to do anything about it and when having sex with a women the last time and because his dick wouldn't get hard she immediately insulted him by saying he must be gay - rather than she just is not enough of a women to excite a man - she blames him and throws a nasty comment about ' Well if you can't get it hard for me then you must be gay'- is absolutely taking no responsibility to be better at sex herself and them the man might be more excited, but laying back - as thousands of women do - and just laying there expecting the man to do all the work while she does nothing - and then she wonders why he hasn't got a stiffy - and I did tell him that if that ever happens again, tell her she is crap sex and that's why you don't have a stiffy - put the ' blame' ( blame is the wrong word as - it happens - no blame - it just sometimes doesn't happen... ) on her and make HER feel less - and see how she likes it !
Many women do patronise and belittle men - it seems to be the new Karen thing to do - and that just makes me laugh as I had one Mother - Thanks - I certainly am not prepared to put up with arrogant condescending belittling attitudes from any women - Thanks - and she will be told EXACTLY what I think of her manner - as I simply don't give a fuck what she thinks.
He asked a million questions and asked if gay men liked ladies panties etc. and again I had to tell him that this was not a gay thing - not really - more bisexual men coming out and having sex with men - assume that as women wear this and that excites straight men, that this is what ALL men want, and I did point out that it is a very small portion of gay men who like bra and panties sex and that belongs to straight / bi men and not what gay man wants at all. Unless they themselves like to cross dress.
Man to man sex.
Not girlie sex.
I pointed out that many transsexuals are married men with kids - not even gay - and if and when they transition - they then become a lesbian - for a straight men likes sex with women and if that straight man becomes a women, his/her sexual desires remain the same - (s)he doesn't magically and instantly want to suck a cock - as emotionally he is a straight man and so now will endeavour to enter a different community, one of being a lesbian.
And the same for women becoming men.
It's too complicated for words.
We spoke at length about the lack of any community within the gay 'community' and how vacuous many gay men are - the dangers surrounding being gay - both from the straight world AND from WITHIN the gay world - Safe Sex - and how sex is so much easier to get than with a women - and hundreds of things that cropped into the conversation and where I could offer some guidance to help a man - in his mid 50's - learn more about the journey he is venturing on and how to avoid many of the pit falls.
He was concerned about his physical body being over weight and how he needed to go on a diet and I pointed out ONLY go on a diet FOR YOURSELF - and do not feel pressured into dieting because you feel you are too fat, too ugly, too anything to attract others, as I pointed out - FUCK 'EM - be happy with your own body and you will soon meet someone like minded and if anyone EVER talks down to you because of your physical body being too fat, too small, too anything, that he had my permission to either tell them exactly where they can shove their attitude, or even smack 'em hard. ( In a metaphoric kind of way of course...)
For an older man coming out as gay - interested in sex with men - it really can be a minefield - a horrendously difficult and painful journey UNLESS you understand and appreciate how it all works. Even many out gay men get eaten up and spat out by the very ' scene' - ' community' - that actually does not support or nurture unless you have a 10 inch dick, have more money than God, or are a house hold name - and even then, you will / can be used and abused and spat out in bubbles by an uncaring community more interested in the next shag.
I pointed him in the direction of some web sites that help and pointed out that he will not find many people interested enough - caring enough - to talk the way I had with a complete stranger on the phone as most will not take the time to talk and advise the way I had and that to be careful who he talks with and who he shares with. Very few have the passion to help and very few give a fuck.
The gay world is a harsh place, and this Blog / Newsletter goes to \tens of thousands each week - with a large percentage going to married men - often grandfathers - who live a secret gay life their family knows nothing about - and all too often, these are the people who throw abuse at people like me who have been out and proud since I was 15 - and never had to hide my homosexuality - EVER - and never had any problems UNTIL I opened a gay business and THEN the abuse started- from the very people I aim my business towards - GAY MEN- or at least - bisexual men living the lie and resentful of those who have always been out and resentful of the wasted years and the lack of decent sex in their straight relationship.
The gay ' community' - whatever that is - can be the worst place of all. And coming out later in life, there are lessons to learn to help save you from emotional, sexual and financial disaster.
Having said all that - the UK is one of the best countries to be an out gay man in - these days - as after decades of beatings and murders of gay men - and the Sun newspaper claiming we catch Aids from toilet seats, and after a long and painful struggle, we now have rights and laws - -- that can be just as quickly taken away - so we all need to be ' on guard' and thankful and appreciative of what Peter Tatchell, Bryan Derbyshire and so many others have achieved over the years that so many just ignorantly take for granted and feel entitled with.
I have, of course, invited him for a few free days, and we shall see if he takes me up on the offer.
Your comments are always invited.
e mail from a reader.
When I first met you John, I was still married ( to a female ) and attending an AA meeting every Thursday night, and that's when I visited you for a massage in Hammersmith one day ( this was in 1995) and I was so scared and so excited at the same time. First time with a man. I remember cumming within the first few minutes laying face down on your massage table and while I was mortified with embarrassment - you just acted all casual and told me to stay there - as I immediately considered leaving - and you changed the towel under me and continued with the massage - and I relaxed - and after it was over - ( and I got to suck your beautiful dick - which I have never forgotten as it was the first ) - you took me into your lounge and we sat with a cuppa for hours chatting about coming out etc. You probably remember me because I came - in all - 13 times before you stopped me coming as you said I was becoming too attached and needed to find my own way - and with your help and guidance back then, aided me to find a boyfriend and we have been happily together for over 20 years and married for 2.
You were right. Few on the gay scene offered me help. None took the time. You did and I shall never forget your kindness to a complete stranger who was lost, and you helped me find my way - and John, you hold a very special place in my heart. Martin S. ( Chiswick )
I actually do remember Martin and while it was decades ago and while I saw tens of thousands of clients when I was an escort, some stick out in your mind and some stay with you in memories and you never forget, and Martin was one of those. Every Thursday night he would come round and we would have a massage and a wank and then I always took the rest of the evening off to chat and befriend this man who was, as he says - lost - and it took so little on my part - JUST TO BE NICE - and when you see someone's life turning around and a new beginning starting, and where it is one that brings great reward for the person involved - then my work here, is done.
If you can reach out and help another lost soul, then well done to you. I wish more on the gay scene took the time and showed the interest and patience to help others - as we all need help sometimes - don't we ?
Dear John: Sorry to load this burden onto you. You don't even know me. I do however feel I know you. I saw you on TV and read your web site so many times.
I am lonely. Really lonely. My partner died some 10 years ago after a 25 year time together and now I live alone - shop alone - watch TV alone and even go to church alone, and no one ,. it seems - sees me - I am invisible to them and I am all but not there. Went to Age Concern and because I said I was gay was put in the corner like a naughty school child and while everyone was enjoying a luncheon, I once again - sat on my own. I shouted loudly about how unfriendly this was and how this was NOT doing me any good at all, and I was asked to leave - and I was shocked how unfriendly Age Concern truly is. The very charity designed to help elderly people, is run for the staff to feel good about themselves and not for the elderly at all. I cried all the way home on the bus and again, not a soul took any notice. Am I REALLY invisible ? Would your venue be good for me. I am 79, live in Sussex and while I am nervous and uncertain as I have not done much in such a long time, the thought of being naturist interests me and I hope I can make some friends.
I have even cried writing this e mail as at certain times the loneliness overcomes me and when writing this to you, it has been a tear jerker time for me.
JB RESPONDS: Naturally I answered and had a nice long chat and we shall see if he comes - as my guest for free - for a few days and see if we can help in whatever way we can.
A JOKE TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD
The Cop Pulled Over The Old Lady But Wasn’t Expecting Her Excuse
A Highway Patrol Officer pulled over a little old lady for going 10mph on the highway.
As he walked up to the old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.
He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.
“Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am?”
“No, I do not,” she replied sweetly.
“You were going 10mph on the highway. That’s a serious hazard for other drivers.”
The officer couldn’t help but glance at the three terrified passengers.
The little old lady pointed at the sign nearby. “Isn’t the speed limit 10?”
The officer looked at the sign and laughed. “Ma’am, that’s the sign telling you which highway you’re on. Interstate 10.”
The little old lady burst out in a fit of giggles. “Oh, I’m sorry!”
The officer decided it was an honest mistake and was going to let her go. But curiosity got the better of him. “Can I ask why your passengers are so scared?”
The little old lady laughed again. “Probably because I just got off Interstate 175.”
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