Christmas cheer and some Christmas Cock below...
Whatever your religion - or no belief at all, makes no difference to how you celebrate - enjoy - get pissed - get laid - spend too much money - spend fuck all - watch loads of telly - go for long walks in the countryside - meet up with relatives and friends maybe for the only time in the year - sleep in - work hard - take time off to do nothing - spend the day cooking - get irritable with the kids - get irritable with life in general - enjoy some sing songs together - be a miserable old bastard or the life and soul of the party - the choice is all yours.
I mean, just look how this man has dressed up just for you - all in pretty lengerie - Now - Cheer up - You could look like him... and it 'aint pretty huh ?
Christmas is Coming My dick is long and thick
Why not come to Bournemouth
And give it one good lick. If you don't want to lick it
Then suck it and chew If you don't want to suck it,
Then I'll fuck you.
JB: This was one of my adverts when a sex worker - except it said Hammersmith... and it worked wonders and caused such a laugh.
So - at last we get to what I want for Christmas. If this was under the tree for me, you wouldn't see much of me until next Christmas...
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1. What do snowmen use to make snowbabies?
Snowballs, of course.
2. Why doesn’t Santa have kids of his own?
He only comes once a year, and it’s down the chimney.
3. What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?
“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…”
4. You know what’s so great about this time of year?
You can slam your laptop shut when your partner walks into the room, and you don’t get any disgusted looks.
5. Say your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas…
Can I visit between the holidays?
6. As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked, “Are you going to put that up yourself?”
I said, “No, I’m putting it up in the living room.”
7. Why are Christmas trees better than men?
Even the small ones give satisfaction.
8. Why does Santa always land on your roof?
Because he likes it on top.
9. Why was the snowman smiling?
He could see the snowblower coming down the street.
10. Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
He was obsessed with getting the cookie.
11. Is that a candy cane in your pocket?
Or are you just happy to see me?
12. Is your name Jingle Bells?
Cause you look ready to go all the way.
13. Wanna see the North Pole?
That’s what Mrs. Claus calls it…
14. What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
15. What does Mrs. Claus get when she wears tight pants?
A mistletoe.
16. Why does Santa always have a full sack?
Because he only comes once a year!
17. What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out to guide his sleigh?
They go into town and blow a few bucks.
18. Dear Santa…
Define good.
19. Why did Santa send his daughter to college?
To keep her off the North Pole.
20. What’s the difference between a Christmas tree and Santa?
A Christmas tree will stay up for 12 nights, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on.
21. Why does Santa Claus like to get naughty after coming down the chimney?
Because it soots him.
22. What happened when Mr. and Mrs. Claus got randy beneath the Christmas tree?
She came down with tinselitis!
23. Why was the elf having trouble with his libido?
He had low elf-esteem.
24. What’s the most disappointing thing for a lover on Christmas morning?
When they get a sweater, but they’re hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
25. The Santa at the shopping mall was quite surprised when he saw Martha, a woman in her mid-twenties, asking to sit on his lap. We all know Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled at him very nicely, and he ended up asking her what she wanted for Christmas.
“Something for my mother, please,” she replied. “Something for your mother? That’s very loving and thoughtful of you,” smiled Santa. “What would you like me to bring her?” Emily answered quickly, “A son-in-law.”
26. Why does Santa always come through the chimney?
Because he knows better than to try the back door.
27. What does a man who had a vasectomy have in common with a Christmas tree?
Their balls are both decorative.
28. Why is Christmas like an orgasm?
The closer it gets, the louder you get about its arrival.
29. What do you call a sex toy on a Christmas tree?
A d*ckoration.
30. A wife walked in on her husband putting on a condom. “What are you doing?” she asked.
He replied, “Wrapping your Christmas present!”
31. What did Miss Piggy give Kermit for Christmas?
A ham-job.
32. What do you call a Christmas sex toy drive?
Toys for Thots.
33. How would a sportscaster describe Frosty the Snowman’s lovemaking?
“Thumpity-thump-thump, thumpity-thump-thump, look at Frosty go!”
34. What happened when the Grinch tried Viagra?
He grew three sizes that day.
35. How does Santa practice safe sex?
He always wraps his package before shoving it down the chimney.
36. Why do elves laugh when they run?
Because the snow tickles their balls.
37. Why does Mrs. Claus always pray for a white Christmas?
Cause she’s married to a guy who comes once a year.
38. What do you call a penis wearing a Santa hat?
Jolly Old Saint D*ck.
39. What makes Christmas such a great partner to Thanksgiving?
Christmas always comes after Thanksgiving.
40. Why does Santa’s crotch make noise when he walks?
He has jingle balls.
41. How can you tell if Santa and Mrs. Claus have been, ahem, passionate?
He has Claus marks on his back.
42. What does Santa say when he reaches climax?
“Oh, oh, OH!”
43. What do you call a crotchety old man who gets down with three ghosts on Christmas Eve?
Ebenezer Screws.
44. Why does Mrs. Claus wish Santa Claus was like a stocking?
Because stockings are hung.
45. What’s more fun than a kiss under the mistletoe?
Unwrapping a package under the Christmas tree.
46. Who’s the friskiest reindeer?
Vixen.
47. How does Mrs. Claus make Santa feel better after a long night carrying so many heavy gifts?
She empties his sack.
48. Why did Frosty put his magic hat over his crotch?
He wanted it to come to life.
49. What do a train set and boobs have in common?
They were both made for kids, but dads can’t resist playing with them.
50. What do you call a penis too big to fit in a sock?
A stocking stuffer.
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HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE.
So - Which Sanbta would you like to welcome down your chimney pot this Christmas ?
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