funny half hour

Vaccine

This happened yesterday and is important information for our age group.

A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination center after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home.

When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hospitalized.

He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the vaccination center immediately and pick up his glasses.

It could have been you or me!

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Click here for a youtube funny HERE

and HERE

AND This youtube link will refresh your faith in people. HERE

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A guy wins the lottery. So he decides to live his life like rich people. What does rich people do ? They play golf, so he goes to a country club to play golf.

He didn’t know anything about golf. Didn’t bring a caddie . After an hour of struggling/playing, he gets lost. Didn’t see anyone until finally he sees a girl and asks her.. “ Sorry, to bother you, but I don't know where I am, could you tell me ?”.... “Sure, you are in the 5th hole, I'm in the 6th, so you are one hole behind me”... “Thanks”..... One hour later, he has decided golf is not his thing, too boring, etc. Again he gets lost. Can’t find anyone. A few minutes later, he sees the same girl, and asks her “ Sorry to bother you again. I'm new here. I think I got lost, could you tell me where I am?”.... “ Sir, I told you before, you are one hole behind me. I'm on the 13th, you`re on the 12”.. “Thank you so much”...... A third time he gets lost, and he couldn’t believe his luck, when he sees the same girl, this time he was really embarrassed, but he didn’t have any option. He asks,, and she replies..” I'm on the 17th . You`re one hole behind me, on the 16th”.......

Finally he finishes his round and decides to go get a drink. In the clubhouse, he sees the girl, goes up to her, and asks to buy her a drink, for helping him out. She accepted. After a few drinks, he asks her

..” What do you do for a living?”.... “ I’d rather not tell. Its a little embarrassing. Every time I tell my line of work, people start laughing at me”.. “ Don’t worry, you can tell me, I'm very respectful. I promise I wont laugh”... After pleading for a while, he finally convinces her to tell, what does she do ..... “ I work selling tampons”... He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said “ You idiot. You promised you wouldn’t laugh “.. “I'm sorry, I couldn’t help it. I work selling toilet paper, Im still one hole behind you”

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ALWAYS GET A SECOND OPINION

The doctor said, "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife.

When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person.

I could make a new beginning and live a new life. I saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit..."

I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."

I laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

I tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As I admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

I thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed me and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

I was surprised. "That's right! How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

I thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see...Size 36."

I laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

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A little guy is sitting at the bar when all of a sudden a thug smacks him in the face and says "that’s KUNG FU from Japan", a bit later the thug smacks him again and says "that’s KARATE from Korea", the little guy gets up and leaves the bar. A short time later he comes back and smacks the thug knocking him out cold and says to the barman, When that wanker wakes up tell him that was a "SHOVEL from B & Q ."

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A local farmer drives two miles into town to get his truck fixed. The mechanic says he doesn’t have that particular part in stock and asks the farmer if he could leave the truck overnight to which he agrees and decides to walk home.

On his way he stops at the general store and picks up a bucket, a can of paint, a goose and two chickens. He steps outside wondering how he’s going to get all of this home while walking.

While he contemplates this, a nice looking, middle aged women approaches him and ask if he knows where 327 Mockingbird Lane is. He replies that he does and tells her its right on the way to his farm and he could walk her there but he’s still having a hard time figuring out how to get the paint, bucket, goose and two chickens home.

She suggests ‘well you could put the can of paint in the bucket, hold the goose in the other hand and put a chicken under each arm. He agrees that’s a good idea and they head to their destination.

On the way he suggests going down this alley will be a shortcut that will cut off their walk time.

She balks saying she is recently widowed has no man to protect her and what’s to keep him from having his way with her while in the alley.

He says ‘ma’am, in one hand I’m holding a bucket with a paint can, the other hand has a goose and I’ve got a chicken under each arm, how in the world could I possibly do that.

She says ‘well you could put the goose down, cover it with the bucket and place the paint can on top and I’ll hold the chickens’.

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Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the £49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed £50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million pounds, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a penny from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

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After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her carefully, then said, 'You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.'

'What does that mean?' she asked suspiciously.

He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!'

She beamed at him happily and said: 'Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?'

'I'm Just Kidding!'

(The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).

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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise.

“Please allow me to help. I’m a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain, if you’d allow me," she told him.

“Oh no, I’ll be alright in a few minutes," he replied. He was in agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel?”

“It feels great,” he replied, “but I still think my thumb’s broken."

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This kid gets on my bus and sits right behind me. He starts popping chocolates in his mouth one right after the other. So this guy sitting next to him says...You know too much chocolate is bad for you. The kid replies with...My grandfather lived to be 112 years old. The guy asked...From eating chocolate? The kid said...No, from minding his own f**king business.

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There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

John Comments: TRUE STORY: I have a friend who years ago was sent downstairs repeating to himself - ' TEA, WHITE, TWO ' meaning he had to get a Tea with milk and two sugars. Not complicated. 20 minutes later he returned with - BLACK COFFEE and even forgot to bring up his own tea and had to go back down stairs again... and I don't even drink coffee, ever... he was cute but oh so dim...

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Two blondes are driving to Disneyland, when they see a road sign “Disneyland Left”. So they started crying and headed home.

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The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart.

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said,

“I give 40 litres of milk every day and that’s why I am the greatest!”

The ant said,

“I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that’s why I am the greatest!”

..