amuse me time...
- 2 hours ago
- 6 min read
In medieval England, Sir Reginald says to his wife, “Sweeting, I go anon unto the tavern.”
His wife replies, “My lord, thou must not! After all that hath befallen, thou didst swear to forswear drink forevermore.”
"Hark, I must go," decrees Sir Reginald, "for I have weighty business with Sir Archibald, Sir Thomas, and Sir Gregory. But take heart, my love—I shall have naught but tea and a crumpet. Thou hast my word.”
“Very well,” she says, "Then shall I expect thee home with thy wits about thee.”
Sir Reginald enters the tavern and what should meet his gaze but an ENORMOUS DRAGON! He draws his sword at once and cries,
“Fear not, good sirs! I shall dispatch this foul beast!” But his friends leap up and say, “Whoa, whoa, whoa—easy there, Sir Reginald. This is Valkor. He’s cool AF. We’ve been drinking with him this past hour. Sit with us and hear the dragon’s remarkable tales.”
“Oh,” says Sir Reginald, sheathing his sword. “Carry on, then.” The four knights make merry with the dragon deep into the night.
True to his word, Sir Reginald keeps to his tea and crumpets until the dragon turns to him and says, “What art thou, a wee maid? Have an ale, thou absolute codfish!”
“Well,” says Sir Reginald, “a new friendship with a dragon doth call for some small celebration. One ale cannot undo me.”
HUZZAH! Some ten ales later, the knights decide to take turns riding upon the dragon high above the village. Sir Reginald goes last–and being thoroughly hammered, he swoons mid-flight, tumbles from Valkor’s back, and falls to his death just outside the tavern. Valkor cries,
“Oh shit oh shit oh shit” …and promptly flees the realm. Sir Reginald’s wife arrives, wailing, “What in God’s name hath happened to my dear Sir Reginald?!”
Sir Archibald bows his head and responds gravely, “He fell off the dragon.”
1. What's the difference between a blind hunter and a constipated owl? One shoots but can't hit....
2. A shepherd and his girlfriend are engaged in pillow talk after their first time. The girls asks the shepherd how experienced he is. He starts counting and falls asleep.
3. What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches watches...
YES YES YES YES YES YES
ES YES
1. What's the difference between a blind hunter and a constipated owl? One shoots but can't hit....
2. A shepherd and his girlfriend are engaged in pillow talk after their first time. The girls asks the shepherd how experienced he is. He starts counting and falls asleep.
3. What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches watches...
4. If doves have white babies, and crows have black babies, what bird has no babies Swallows!
5. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?Anyone can roast beef.
6. Mary had a little lamb. She also had a duck. Sometimes she put the two together, to see if they would do anything.
7. What's the difference between a cylinder and a piston? I never paid to have my mouth cylinder.
8. A newlywed calls her mother sobbing. Mom: Honey what’s wrong? Newlywed: Mom, it’s awful, John just had an accident at work and cut off his finger. Mom: Oh no! That’s awful! His whole finger? Newlywed: No, the one next to it.
9. What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball, and Lady Godiva? One is a hunt on a course...
bie, whbird has no babies? llows!
April 10th - 12th - - NAKED CHILL OUT - with naked karaoke singers.
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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough" more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied: "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes from the lumber yard ever deliver the damn sheet rock."
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