A guy next to me at the bar was trying to impress me with how rich he was for some reason. I didn't care. He A guy next to me at the bar was trying to impress me with how rich he was for some reason. I didn't care. He finally said, "You know I have more money right now than you'll make in your whole life?" I said, "You know I have more friends right now than you'll make in your whole life?"
When I was bar-tending, I had one old codger who tried his best to get on my nerves ... every. single. day. One day he was being particularly annoying, he even tried singing to me. I figured out long ago that if I ignored him, he'd be the one to get upset so I was ignoring him for all I was worth. Anyway, he made some snide remark about how I wasn't impressed with his singing. I replied without even thinking about it ... "You know what impresses me? Ten inches and you ain't got that!" Cue an 80 year old dude giggling like a school girl for the next hour! He even gave me a tip for the first time ever! Best comeback this year? Biden is back! My husband who has a bit of a gut came home from work one day, he was so excited he goes "Guess what I saw today?" First thing out of my mouth was "Your feet?". He just sort of stopped and stared a second before laughing been married 21 years
"I asked my mum out of curiosity what she would do if she found a used condom in my brother's room."
"Her response: "I would remind him that you can't get HIV from your own hand"
"When I was working as a bartender one Halloween, I came dressed as an old Western style bartender (complete with mustache and accent). We had the evening split up into a little costume party for kids and families in the earlier hours, and then an adults only costume piss up later on."
"One of the regulars laughed at my costume and said I looked stupid, so I told him"
"You should probably come back after the kids have gone because you've come dressed as a c-nt".
"He didn't talk to me for weeks after that. It was blissful."
"Young pregnant co-worker had a stranger stare disapproving at her in a restaurant, then walk up and say "pregnancy isn't very becoming on you." She replied, "well, being a nosey rude bi*ch isn't becoming on you, but here we are."
"Was standing behind these two older adults and this teen girl at the gas station last year. She was on her phone and the guy snapped at her for "not knowing how to live without technology" and without looking up she went "don't you have a pacemaker?".
"Someone yelled out in a Walmart , "I'm not ashamed of who I am". "Another voice echoed back, "that's your parents job"
"My uncle to my husband. "When are you guys having a kid?"
"My husband. "Please don't ask me about my sex life with your niece"
don't care if it's self-congratulatory, I'm proud of this one:
"Having dinner with my dad and older sister. I got straight As in school or something, and she's doing the older sibling thing."
"Sister: You may have gotten the book smarts in this family, but *I* got the street smarts."
"Me: The corner doesn't count."
"Dad: *chokes whiles laughing*"