This has to be the funniest man I have ever heard from.

I have inserted this piece below before, not long ago, and have had several of you ask for it again.

NOW - THIS IS REAL - I HAVE NOT MADE IT UP - and demonstrates what some people are like, what they expect, what they demand and what they want for a discounted price from a NOT FOR PROFIT VENUE and where they clearly expect everything from a small 6 bedroom B&B in Boscombe to offer the same kind of service as the Burj Khalifa in Dubai - and I promise you, this is 100% real. -------------------

Dear Mr. Bellamy

I have heard many things about Hamilton Hall and would dearly love to come and stay with my life long partner, Arthur. We are both raw vegan but Arthur is allergic to nuts and gluten and I am allergic to feathers. I trust the feather allergy won’t pose a problem unless the pillows are stuffed with them. I can always bring my own special pillow but it will need washing daily – do you have a washing machine ?

I’m sure you’re always washing sheets and things so you could pop my pillow in with them and I can explain hot to dry it. It’s a bit tricky. Arthur is okay with feather pillows but I make him sleep right over the other side of the bed so its not near my head. Do you have lovely wide beds ?

We do have hot drinks but not tea or coffee because of the caffeine and it hypes us both up too much. Do you provide flasks and packed lunches for the beach ? Could we book a double room with ensuite bathroom ( no shower, please, we need to immerse our bodies in a special solution in the bath as I have a rare skin condition and Arthur finds showers too difficult since his gammy hip started playing up and the NHS in overstretched so we don’t know when he’ll be able to get sorted. )

I understand there is nudity throughout the hotel and we are not bothered about that at all but find nudity during mealtimes rather puts us off our food so we would appreciate it if people stopped doing it then. Unless you are able to bring meals to our room, that would be very helpful as Arthur doesn’t really like people watching him eat ( apart from me ) since a frightening experience in a restaurant in Hong Kong.

I understand you go that extra mile and collect guests from the railway station so I can send you our itinerary once we’ve booked with you. Do you give lifts to the beach ? It isn’t too far away I suppose.

I gather from one friend who stayed with you a few years ago that there are some gloomy spots on the landings. This is ideal for us because light bulbs, over a certain wattage sets of buzzing in my ears ( tinnitus ) – I think they give off vibrations.

Will there be workshops going on all the time or just some of the time ? Apart from all the nudity I’m not sure about things like fisting and pumping – that’s beyond the pale for us at our age. Is it obligatory to join in ? We could arrange our stay around such workshops.

I think that’s about all – oh, I have a wasp phobia so please make sure that the windows are shut so they can’t get in. I have a terrible time with them. Please let me know availability towards the end of August or in September ( wasps shouldn’t be a problem in September but you never know .) We’d like to stay for a fortnight but can we try a week and if we don’t like it go home ?

Yours sincerely.

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John Bellamy responds:-

I was staggered the first time I read this and was convinced it was fake, yet after I responded originally and told him a BIG FAT NO - to ALL of his requests, as I am NOT about to even entertain ANY detail of his demands - NOT REQUESTS YOU NOTE - but DEMANDS - he placed a negative report on Trip Advisor about my response and it staggers that - foolish old men ( and you can well imagine the names we called him here ) - such as this - exist in the real world and I can just imagine their lives and how terribly insular and small their lives must be as who would tolerate such attitudes and expectations - NO ONE.

In all of my years and in all of the tens of thousands of e mails I have received since opening Hamilton Hall 23 years ago, and while I got to hear some stupid things as an escort, and as a bar man decades ago - I have never known such an entitled man before, actually expecting several core and foundation aspects of Hamilton Hall - that have been in place for the whole time I have been here- and yet this idiot, this foolish old man, wants me to go against everything I do here and make changes just for him.

The sense of entitlement is staggering. Who on God's Earth does he think he is - and what the fuck does he think he is going to get for his £75 a day ?

It saddens me that this was real. These two old farts. Dear God can you just imagine what they would be like in the flesh as guests... constantly making demands and ruining it for anyone else staying.

Raw Vegan ? You mean a plate with a carrot and a parsnip, raw, and as I have no idea at all what a raw vegan diet is;- and I am NOT about to find out and offer as that goes WAY beyond what I offer and am willing to do... way beyond, so that's one thing off their ridiculous list.

Vegetarian food is available on request.

Vegan and Gluten Free we charge extra for and requires 4 days notice as I have to shop especially for, as I do not keep said items in stock as they rarely - if ever -get asked for and I waste money on items that go off.

Dinner - We all eat at one table and is the centre of Hamilton Hall and gets everyone talking and friendly.

He wants to take meals in his room. That is NOT about to be offered.

Nudity is a foundation for many who visit - BUT he wants everyone to be forced to dress if he is eating at the dining table.

Expects me to collect him from the station and drive him to and from the beach etc. and clearly this man thinks I run a free mini cab company as well.

We do not have baths - only showers.

Workshops are on certain dates and really clearly explained on the web site yet he chooses to ignore all that and completely confuse the situation totally ignoring anything and everything on the web site which he must have seen to know about some of what we do here.

They have got to be lonely old men, Shut away behind closed doors and windows. Protected from anything and everything. Sad old bastards at best. Angry that no one wants to help or befriend when this is what you get in return. Then many old people wonder why family and friends don't want to know them.

I feel desperately sorry for this old fool, as that's exactly what he is - an old fool, expecting - NOT ONCE ASKING - but DEMANDING - and not once asking ' is that okay - would it be possible - sorry to be difficult but - do you charge extra for - sorry to be so demanding ' - NOTHING BUT DEMANDS - pushy self seeking with absolutely no concept of PLEASE & THANKYOU.

People tell me to ignore and just delete and if that happens then the old fools learn nothing and if everyone just turned away then no one learns anything at all and besides, IT WAS ADDRESSED TO ME - so why would I just ignore it ? If everyone just turned away then the world would really be in a mess and it is those who don't show an interest and do not have an opinion who are a waste of my time.

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